Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Holy mother of God!

Charlie

No, no, unholy mother of us!

Evelyn

I left a $300 bra in the back seat of your Mercedes, and I want it back.

Charlie

Oh, my. How in heaven's name did that happen, Mother?

Evelyn

Well, if you must know--

Alan

I don't need to know.

Evelyn

Oh, Alan, grow up. [to Charlie]: I sold a $12 million house and I wanted to celebrate.

Charlie

With the Saudi prince?

Evelyn

Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives and they're all, like, eleven years old. No, I-- I was with the seller's realtor. Splitting that juicy commission made us both so hot, we barely made it off the front lawn. Now go get Mommy's bra.

Charlie

A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks.

Alan

That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.

Charlie

Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.

Alan

Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?

Jake

It's not gonna be on the test.

Alan

Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.

Jake

Why would I want to know something I don't have to?

Alan

Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.

Jake

Well, then that's when I'll learn it!

Alan

Why can't you just learn it now?

Jake

'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.

Alan

What about this one?

Jake

That's extra credit. I don't have to do it.

Alan

But why don't you do it anyway.

Jake

Cause I don't have to.

Alan

But it shows you're willing to make an extra effort.

Jake

But I'm not.

Alan

Do it!

Jake

Why?

Alan

Jake, if you spent as much time doing the homework as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.

Jake

I am done, this is extra.

Charlie

I have to tell you something.

Alan

OK.

Charlie

Come on out in the bedroom.

Alan

All right. [leaves the bathroom; Charlie locks the door] What are you doing?

Charlie

You'll understand in a minute.

Alan

Uh, uh, I thought you had to tell me something.

Charlie

I do. There is no "Bad Alan". I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...

Charlie

What do you know? There is a "Bad Alan."

Jake

Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail?

Alan

I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.

Jake

So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.

Alan

You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?

Jake

It's "1234." A monkey could crack that.

Evelyn

[About the menu] See anything you like dear?

Jake

I don't know. What's venison?

Evelyn

Deer.

Jake

What?

Evelyn

Deer.

Jake

What?

Evelyn

Deer. D-E-E-R.

Jake

What? W-H-A-T.

Evelyn

[To Alan] What's wrong with him?

Alan

Jake, she means the deer in the forest, like uh, Bambi.

Jake

Oh cool, let's eat Bambi!

Charlie

Coming soon to Pay-per-view.

Alan

I-- I feel betrayed and-- and hurt in ways that... I can't even express! And-- and you think we can just dance past that?

Charlie

I was hoping.

Alan

Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.

Charlie

OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?

Charlie

Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were 8?

Alan

Yeah?

Charlie

You actually stopped at 6.

Alan

What, what? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and-- and, and, and, and-- pour warm water on me while I was asleep?

Charlie

Yeah, OK. Let's... say it was water, and let's say I poured it. [Alan ponders this for a moment then gives an aghast expression as he realizes what Charlie means. Charlie doesn't seem to notice.] Well, I feel better, how about you?

Alan

I-- I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.

Charlie

There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.

Alan

Well, she's your mother, too!

Charlie

How do you know? I could have been adopted.

Alan

You wish!

Charlie

I do!

Berta

That's it, I can't work like this!

Alan

Well, you have to, Berta! We got fifty people coming here in a couple of hours.

Berta

Don't tell me, tell her.

Alan

Fine.

HEY, I'M MEDITATING HERE!

Alan

OK, uh, just make sure Jake goes to bed early. He's got karate in the morning.

Charlie

Which, of course, you'll be back for.

Alan

Charlie, trust me.

Charlie

You, I trust. It's him [points toward Alan's penis] I'm worried about.

Alan

I'm sorry, are we done with what's bothering me?

Charlie

I am.

Alan

It's like talking to a horny chimp.