Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

My point is, if Mrs. Harper tries to make an issue out of your lifestyle, we need to be prepared.

Charlie

What's wrong with my lifestyle?

Alan

Oh, no! We are not going down that road at $300 an hour!

Relax, Alan. [to Charlie] I'm going to have to know every possible thing they can use against us, every skeleton in your closet.

Alan

Oh, boy.

Charlie

So, what, you want to know about my sex life?

Your sex life, your drinking, gambling, partying...

Jake

Were you talking to Mom?

Alan

Yes, but I-- I hung up before I said the bad stuff.

Jake

Yeah, she does the same thing to you.

Alan

Um... remember, we have Jake's "session" first.

Charlie

Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.

Alan

I didn't, but Judith and I... talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.

Charlie

Man, you are so whipped!

Alan

I am not whipped! I just-- I'm just trying to keep everybody happy.

Charlie

Meow-fitchoo!

Alan

I am not "meow-fitchooed".

Charlie

You're right. It's been a long time since you got any "meow".

Jake

Are we getting a cat?

Alan

[On Jake's therapy session] It's a small price to pay to avoid aggravating Judith.

Charlie

The fact that your drawing breath aggravates Judith!

Alan

Your sexist, manipulative attitude toward women just got into Jake's head, and he spewed it out in front of his mother's angry women's support group!

Charlie

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is it a women's support group that's angry, or a support group just for angry women?

Alan

What difference does it make?

Charlie

Well, if they were already angry, then I'm less culpable.

Alan

Why don't you just get snipped?

Charlie

You mean a vasectomy?

Alan

Yeah.

Charlie

Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!

Alan

What's wrong with "snipped"?

Charlie

It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.

Alan

Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?

Charlie

I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.

Charlie

I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.

Alan

I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.

Alan

Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?

Charlie

It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...

Alan

Excuse me?

Charlie

There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."

Alan

But you wanted me to live here with you. You offered me.

Charlie

Well, actually I wanted Jake to come live with me but I figured, you two are a package deal.

Alan

Wow. Wow, uh, Elvis, that was, uh... that was beautiful. But you know, uh, in all honesty, um, I really, really loved your uh, earlier, you know, angrier stuff. You know, uh, "Pump It Up"! Now, now that was a song. [chuckling]

I knew that.

Alan

Oh, and, uh, and while we're on the subject, Sean, um, why don't you do funny stuff like you used to? I mean, Fast Times ruled, man! [chuckling] C'mon, uh, do-- do a little Spicoli for us!

Alan

Guys? This isn't funny. Uh-oh, clammy hands, nausea... Guys? Guys? GUYS?!

Charlie

Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time.

Alan

Go away, Charlie.

Charlie

Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.

Alan

Leave me alone, Charlie!

Charlie

In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo," write "lap dance." Give her something to explain at tax time.

Alan

Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatrician. [breaks the head off the giraffe]

Charlie

I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.

Alan

Hey, hey, here's a funny thing! Uh, my name's Al, and I, uh, I give Judith money, [chuckles] so it's, uh, so it's, uh, "Al-i-mony".

Herb

Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?

Alan

I was afraid you'd pick up on that.

Charlie

[Reading Jake's test answers] Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence in....pen. For this you got an A?

Jake

Yeah, everybody did. I love you Uncle Charlie [Runs to his room]

Alan

I think you know what you have to do.

Charlie

Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?

Alan

Hell, no, he's [Jake] getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.

Charlie

But he's not learning anything!

Alan

Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".

Evelyn

Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.

Charlie

Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.

Evelyn

Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.

Charlie

What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?

Evelyn

Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.

Alan

Um, you could use my car, Mom.

Evelyn

You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful.

Alan

So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.

Jake

I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?

Alan

You plug it in and recharge it.

Jake

Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?

Charlie

Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.

Alan

Charlie...

Charlie

It's a cool car, Jake.

Jake

Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.

Charlie

You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.

Alan

Charlie...

Charlie

That's a cool car, too, Jake.