Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

How much did you tip him [the pizza delivery man]?

Charlie

I don't know. I gave him a fifty.

Alan

That's... that's like a 300 percent tip!

Charlie

If you say so. I was never good at math.

Alan

Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under, and the vigorish on every football game in the country.

Charlie

What can I tell you? I've got a beautiful mind.

Charlie

I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.

Alan

You can't quit poverty, Charlie.

Charlie

I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.

Alan

Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.

Alan

Hey Charlie, what's miscellaneous cash expenses?

Charlie

You know, extra things. Like if I want a hot dog or tickets to the movies.

Alan

It's $40,000!

Charlie

Gambling losses, etcetera, etcetera

Alan

Charlie, miscellaneous cash expenses? What exactly is that?

Charlie

I don't know, go see a movie, buy a hot dog, stuff like that.

Alan

It was $80,000 last year!

Charlie

Oh, that. That's women and gambling.

Alan

Gone and gone.

Charlie

Oh, great! Why don't I just shoot myself?

Alan

You can't afford a gun.

Alan

I'm sorry, there's just been a lot of stuff going on.

Judith

Yeah, I just met your brother's latest "stuff".

Alan

Why do you assume it's his stuff?

Judith

What, is it yours?

Alan

No, but it's not his either!

Charlie

But it could be.

Alan

Says who?

Charlie

Says your ex-wife!

What's the matter?

Alan

I don't know! It's been so long since anybody's touched me!

Charlie

Alan?

Alan

Yes?

Charlie

It's been so long since anybody's touched me!

Charlie

Who gets him [Jake] in that [worst-case] scenario thing?

Alan

Cousin Jerry and his wife Fay.

Charlie

Jerry and Fay? Why Jerry and Fay?

Alan

Well, they-- they've a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard, and they live in a great school district.

Charlie

Yeah, but I'm your brother!

Alan

Charlie, it's--

Charlie

And I live right here! You wouldn't have to ship him off to... Cornhole, Kansas!

Alan

Coventry, Rhode Island.

Charlie

Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?

Alan

I don't know, Dorothy and Toto?

Alan

Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.

Charlie

Pull.

Alan

What's this?

Charlie

A picture of Jill. Look at it, will you?

Alan

The woman who dumped you?

Charlie

She didn't dump me, will you get over that?!

Alan

All right, why are we looking at Jill?

Charlie

Just look at it!

Alan

All right, she's cute. Very tall, broad shoulders-- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Charlie

Welcome to The Matrix.

Alan

So-so-so Jill is-is-is--?

Charlie

Yep.

Alan

And-and-and you and-and Jill used to--?

Charlie

Every chance we got

Alan

Now mom is--?

Charlie

At this very moment.

Alan

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Alan

Do you realize what this means?

Charlie

Yes. I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman’s body. Or - and this is my new favorite, and the title of my autobiography - my mom and I slept with the same dude.

Judith

OK, fine. You always wanted Liz, go ahead. Here's your chance. Give her your little "adjustment". And maybe while you're having a good time with my sister, I'll have a good time with your brother. [puts her right arm around Charlie]

Charlie

Beg pardon?

Judith

Oh, don't be coy with me, Charlie. You know we've always had sexual tension between us!

Charlie

Really? I... thought it was just regular tension.

Judith

Come on, I've seen you looking at my chest.

Alan

You looked at my wife's chest?

Charlie

Hey, I'm a guy!

Evelyn

Granted, I have no idea what's it like to be an eleven-year-old boy, but I do know one thing, sweetheart. You have no idea what real unhappiness is. Real unhappiness is being totally ignored by the very people you gave birth to! Real unhappiness is when you're recovering from liposuction and your only grandson doesn't even send you a get-well card. And FYI, I only had that surgery so you wouldn't have a grandmommy with matronly upper arms.

Alan

Well, if he didn't need a shrink before, he needs one now.

Alan

What happened to him?

Charlie

If I didn't know better, I'd swear he got laid last night.

Berta

I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.

Alan

What did you say?

Berta

I said: "Drink this bottle of prune juice". You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes! It's a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.

Charlie

Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.

Alan

You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.

Charlie

The one time you listen to me.

Alan

Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.

Charlie

I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!

Charlie

Hey, that was quick.

Alan

Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.

Charlie

What happened?

Alan

What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.