I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.
I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.
Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?
It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Excuse me?
There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."
But you wanted me to live here with you. You offered me.
Well, actually I wanted Jake to come live with me but I figured, you two are a package deal.
"Hurry up and get out." Sounds like sex with my ex-wife.
So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friends.
SPSean Penn
Charlie, when are you gonna stop resenting your brother just for being born?
I don't resent him for being born, but he abused the privilege!
Wow. Wow, uh, Elvis, that was, uh... that was beautiful. But you know, uh, in all honesty, um, I really, really loved your uh, earlier, you know, angrier stuff. You know, uh, "Pump It Up"! Now, now that was a song. [chuckling]
SPSean Penn
I knew that.
Oh, and, uh, and while we're on the subject, Sean, um, why don't you do funny stuff like you used to? I mean, Fast Times ruled, man! [chuckling] C'mon, uh, do-- do a little Spicoli for us!
[cut to Alan duct-taped to a lamp post on Wilshire Boulevard]
Guys? This isn't funny. Uh-oh, clammy hands, nausea... Guys? Guys? GUYS?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.