Two and a Half Men · Season 2, Episode 2
Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time.
Go away, Charlie.
Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.
Leave me alone, Charlie!
In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo," write "lap dance." Give her something to explain at tax time.
Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatrician. [breaks the head off the giraffe]
I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.
Hey, hey, here's a funny thing! Uh, my name's Al, and I, uh, I give Judith money, [chuckles] so it's, uh, so it's, uh, "Al-i-mony".
Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?
I was afraid you'd pick up on that.
I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!
Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it.
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