Two and a Half Men · Season 1, Episode 21
Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.
You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
The one time you listen to me.
Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.
I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!
Hey, that was quick.
Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.
What happened?
What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.
Lara Lang.
Charlie Harper. Hey, didn't you used to date Superman?
That's Lana Lang. She was Superboy's girlfriend. And guys have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth-grade.
Did it ever work?
My point is, if Mrs. Harper tries to make an issue out of your lifestyle, we need to be prepared.
What's wrong with my lifestyle?
Oh, no! We are not going down that road at $300 an hour!
Relax, Alan. [to Charlie] I'm going to have to know every possible thing they can use against us, every skeleton in your closet.
Oh, boy.
So, what, you want to know about my sex life?
Your sex life, your drinking, gambling, partying...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
