Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

I stole him [Chester].

Charlie

Oh, Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think!

Charlie

Hey, after the kid goes back to his mother's, you want to go out to grab some dinner?

Alan

I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.

Charlie

"Why not? You got a date?" he said, knowing the answer but asking anyway, just to be polite.

Alan

"No, I don't have a date," he replied, all the while thinking, "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."

Charlie

A-five, six, seven, eight...

Alan

[sings and dances] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!

Alan

Why did you run away?

Jake

Because I hate it there.

Alan

Is this about the upcoming nuptials?

Jake

It's nothing to do with puberty, Dad! It's about Mom getting married.

Alan

I-- I thought you liked Dr. Melnick.

Jake

That was when they were just dating. Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.

Alan

You don't do what I tell you to do!

Jake

Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.

Charlie

Until he [Jake] was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!

Alan

Hey, hey, uh, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks, ha-- have you considered eloping to Vegas?

Herb

Hmmm. No, we haven't--

Alan

No, I know what you're thinking, "tacky-tacky," but... uh, it's classy and very romantic.

Charlie

Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.

Alan

Jake can have a little brother-- that would be a blessing for him, would it?

Herb

Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.

Alan

Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.

Charlie

If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.

Alan

Yeah, I-I-I... I think this phone is 'unning outta 'atteries. I 'aid, 'is 'one is 'unning outta 'atteries. 'ood-bye, 'udith. [hangs up] Think she bought it?

Charlie

If she did, she's 'upider than 'ou.

Alan

Do you know what's the problem with sushi?

Charlie

You mean besides eating it with you?

Alan

It's all fleshy and flappy and wet. Feels unnatural against my tongue.

Charlie

Hey, Alan?

Alan

What?

Charlie

I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.

Lydia

So sorry to hear about your troubles.

Alan

Troubles? What troubles?

Lydia

Oh, maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?

Jake

Hey Dad, do you like Uncle Charlie's new girlfriend?

Alan

Well, I just met her the one time, so...no, not really.

Jake

You know what she reminds me of? The girls at school who think they rule the world, just cos they got their boobs!

Alan

Well, I hate to tell you buddy, but they kinda do!

Charlie

All right, she [Lydia] might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.

Jake

She must be dynamite in the sack.

Alan

Where do you get this stuff from?

Jake

Cinemax.

Charlie

Well, not that my sex life is any of your business--

Alan

It's not his business. It-- it's nobody's business. So, uh, what does she do for a living?

Jake

Besides being a stone-cold bee-yotch. [Charlie and Alan stare at him] HBO.

Alan

Charlie, it's OK. You've been working out your maternal issues by having sex with other women your entire life. All you're doing now is cutting out the middle man.

Charlie

Oh, that is just sick!

Alan

My point exactly.

Naomi

[She's pregnant] Hi.

Alan

Hi.

Naomi

Yeah... I'm not sure I have the right address.

Alan

No, you got the right address. Charlie, it's for you!

Charlie

Who is it?

Alan

Karma!

Charlie

What?

Alan

Your chickens have come home to roost.

Charlie

Chickens? Karma? Alan, what the hell are you talking...

Charlie

Ohhhhhh. Charlie, it's for you!

Alan

When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I-- I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but... she just couldn't get enough of me. And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman I just... [lustful moan]

Charlie

OK, seriously, you got to stop that.

Alan

I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.

Charlie

Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.

Alan

The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?

Charlie

No, the repeated blows to his unformed head.

Alan

You are-- are such an idiot. All the experts agree that sex during pregnancy is not harmful to the baby.

Charlie

Experts, schmexperts. Tonight when you're sleeping, I'm gonna come in and start poking you in the ear with a hot dog. See how you like it.

Alan

I-- I'm sorry, I'm a little cranky. I-- I haven't slept in two days.

Jake

Why don't you take a pill?

Charlie

He doesn't believe in pills.

Jake

How can you not believe in them? They're on TV all the time!

Alan

Let me tell you something, Jake: Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think you can take a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Can't wake up? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Can't get it up? Take a pill.

Jake

Can't get what up?