Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

He's [Jake] growing up, getting a life of his own. He'll be going off to college soon. I'll only see him on holidays, only hear from him when he needs money -- not that I'll have any, I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives! And college tuition? That just means selling an organ or turning tricks. And for what? So that he can get a worthless piece of paper that he can then fold into a hat to wear to the fast food job that he will probably get fired from for stealing fries from the customers' bags! [he leaves the kitchen]

Jake

I do like fries.

Alan

Oh, would you please just get your drunken ass out of bed and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?!

Charlie

Well, since you said "please".

You dozed off for 40 minutes, Alan.

Alan

You're gonna charge me for that?!

I was awake.

Alan

So, what do you want?

Jake

Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn, and a slushy.

Charlie

What are you doing, building an ass bomb?

This is such a beautiful restaurant. They don't have anything like this back home.

Alan

Really? They-- they don't have nice restaurants in Idaho?

Oh, well, yeah, I mean we have a T.G.I. Friday's and an Applebee's. But you never see movie stars like we do here.

Nina, they're just regular people.

Alan

And technically, I-- I wouldn't call Geraldo Rivera a movie star.

Alan

No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.

Charlie

Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis.

Charlie

I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing 'cause I was sitting on the can listening to you not take a crap!

Alan

You're actually blaming me 'cause I had to go to the bathroom.

Charlie

You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!

Alan

Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!

Charlie

I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.

Alan

You don't understand. The money isn't for me.

Charlie

Really? Who's it for?

Alan

Old Alan.

Charlie

Old Alan?

Alan

Yeah, you know, the Alan of the future.

Charlie

You're kidding, they're still gonna have Alans in the future?

Alan

No, see, [sighs] the thing is, [sighs] I've been going through kind of a rough financial time since... well, high school. Anyway, it-- it occurred to me that I could wind up an old man with no one to take care of me. I mean, who will Old Alan be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport.

Alan

So you understand the situation?

Kandi

I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.

Alan

No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.

Kandi

Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?

Kandi

But I don't want to sell the condo. I can see boats from here.

Alan

I understand, but I can't afford the payments.

Charlie

[about doing laundry] OK, OK, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.

Alan

It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress. Let's start by separating her delicates.

Charlie

How is that not like a cocktail waitress?

Alan

[trying to ignore Charlie] The reason you need to do these separately is they're mostly synthetic.

Charlie

Add a beat-up Civic and an ex-husband and we're back to cocktail waitress!

Charlie

What will they think of next?

Alan

Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time. Shh.

Charlie

Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what?

Alan

We wait.

Charlie

How will we know when we're done?

Alan

Don't worry. The machine will call you on your cell phone.

Charlie

You know what? We need to work on our communication skills.

Alan

You know, I always thought that, but I didn't think you'd be open--

Charlie

[interrupting] No, no, no, you jackass! God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin!

Charlie

And don't tell Berta she [Lydia] was here.

Alan

Fine. Just give me a heads up when you're lying.

Charlie

I'm always lying. I'll give you a heads up when I'm not. [leaves]

Alan

Yeah you're the smart one. Know how I know? The washing machine called and told me [sits on the couch]

Judith

Oh, eggnog.

Herb

Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. [turns to Alan] We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.

Judith

That's why I need eggnog.

Herb

Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents.

Alan

Oh really, your mom's out of rehab?

Judith

Yes, my mom's out of rehab.

Herb

Actually she kind of jumped the fence.

Alan

Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [turns to Judith] Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?

Alan

On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.