Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?

Charlie

Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.

Alan

An hour and a half?

Charlie

I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.

Alan

You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?

Charlie

Better safe than sorry.

Jake

Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.

Alan

Thanks, pal!

Jake

You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.

Alan

I just want to be alone.

Charlie

Well you don't need me, it's your home run swing.

Alan

Just close the door on the way out.

Charlie

Fine I'll close it, then I'll nail it shut, plaster it over and hang over it a picture of something a little more cheerful, like a plane crash.

Charlie

All right, I didn't want to have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Berta

What are you gonna do?

Charlie

Something I hoped I'd never have to do.

Rose

You don't mean...

Charlie

I'm afraid so. [on the phone]: Hello? Mom?

Alan

God, what plague have you set upon me now?

Evelyn

Alan? It's Mommy!

Alan

Good one.

Alan

Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.

Charlie

No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.

Alan

No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles.

Charlie

Yeah, well, I don't have to face anything I don't want to face, and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel, and that includes Mom's vodka knockers!

Jake

Who is this "Vod Kanockers" that you speak of?

Alan

Eat your dinner.

Jake

The name's Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.

Alan

Looks like you had a tough night.

Charlie

No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!

Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica.

Charlie

They pay to hear you sing. They tolerate the harmonica!

Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards, you lame-ass jingle writer!

Charlie

All right, let's see how you play harmonica out your other end!

Alan

Now, now-now-now-now, let's slow down here, c'mon.

Let's see what you got, jingle balls!

Charlie

OK, I'm gonna rip off your big fat lips and use 'em to kiss my ass!

Alan

"God bless Vicoden?"

Charlie

Pretty good, huh?

Alan

You spelled "Vicodin" wrong.

Charlie

That's the great thing about Vicodin. I don't care.

Alan

You're going to hell, you know?

Charlie

I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.

Alan

You really wanna drag God into this?

Charlie

Who gave me the penis, Alan?

Alan

Since when do you have a wet suit?

Charlie

Since I moved to the beach and noticed that it was full of hot surfer chicks. [blows dust off his surfboard] If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.

Alan

How about this: When was the last time you called her [Evelyn] just to see how she was doing?

Charlie

Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.

Alan

Why don't you start with that?

Charlie

OK, fine. [takes his phone out of his pocket]

Alan

Remember her number?

Charlie

I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?

Evelyn

Charlie was a planned baby.

Alan

What was I?

Evelyn

Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.

Alan

Who buys condoms at a gas station?

Alan

What happened to your mouth?

Evelyn

I just had a little procedure.

Alan

What kind of procedure?

Charlie

They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips.

Alan

What did they do, use the whole ass?

Charlie

What the hell is this?

Alan

This is Chester. Isn't he cute? [to Chester]: Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

Charlie

He's not staying here, Alan.

Alan

Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me.

Charlie

It's because no kennel in town would take you!