Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Rose

What are you doing?

Charlie

Nighttime cold medicine and Scotch. I call it the "Drunken Hulk".

Hi, Jake! Look how big you're getting!

Jake

It's called "puberty".

Charlie

It's called "doughnuts".

Jake

Doughnuts don't make hair.

Charlie

How do you feel about bushes, Herb?

Herb

Well... I like a full bush. The way God intended.

Charlie

I like 'em trimmed.

Alan

Judith said Cynthia wouldn't go out with me, and she was wrong, so, [high-pitched]: ha!

Charlie

Hey, I told you she would go out with you.

Alan

And you were right, sir! I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.

Charlie

Huh. So you're saying Farmer Herb's tilling soil you couldn't even get your hoe into.

Alan

M-- My hoe?

Charlie

Yeah, you know with an "e"? "Hoe"?

Alan

What's his [Herb's] secret? How does he do it?

Berta

Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.

Alan

Have you been listening this whole time?

Berta

Wouldn't you?

Alan

You think she's right? You-- you think he's just... well-endowed?

Charlie

Could be. He's about six-four, got big hands... if everything else is proportional, I'm guessing he could ring doorbells with that thing.

Alan

You're not helping.

Charlie

I rarely do.

Charlie

How much you looking to spend?

Alan

Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.

Charlie

Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.

Alan

Did you make the call?

Charlie

Here. Her name's Alexis. She's expecting to hear from you.

Alan

Ooh, Alexis... that-- that's a pretty name.

Charlie

They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never meet a hooker named "Maude".

Jake

You and me are having dinner with them [Milly and her mother] on Friday, so you can catch up.

Charlie

You and me.

Jake

Just don't clock block me, OK?

Charlie

"Clock block" you?

Jake

That's not it?

Charlie

No, that's not it.

Jake

So, Milly, do you play dodgeball?

No.

Jake

I enjoy it quite a bit, 'cause it's just man against man, but with big red balls.

Charlie

Ix-nay on the alls-bay.

Jake

What?

Charlie

Just don't say "balls".

Can I bring you anything else?

Charlie

Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch, a taxi, and a smarter kid.

Alan

Oh, Charlie, don't you think you need to slow down a bit?

Charlie

Why would I want to do that?

Alan

Well, come on! Is-- is this lifestyle actually making you happy?

Charlie

Let me answer that question with another question: Who would you rather be, you or me?

Alan

You're kidding, right? You have two black eyes and you're perched on a scrotum cozy. [reluctantly]: You.

Alan

Charlie, don't you see what's happening to you?

Charlie

Nothing's happening, except that I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini!

Alan

Well, then, I guess there's no point in my talking to you anymore.

Charlie

All right. Then something good came of this.

Alan

You're gonna get married?

Charlie

Yep. Settle down, have a couple of kids, and ship the penis up to Cooperstown.

Alan

Cooperstown?

Charlie

It is my bat.

Alan

Well, sounds like you've got everything figured out.

Charlie

You don't ever figure this stuff out, Alan. You just take little baby steps on a lifelong path to becoming a better man.

Alan

Uh-huh. How many pain pills have you taken?

Evelyn

Courtney and your brother are helping me with the wedding arrangements.

Charlie

It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?

Evelyn

You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.