Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

What are you doing?

Alan

I'm here, I figure, what the hell?

Charlie

Just remember to put the seat back down.

Alan

It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?

Charlie

I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.

Alan

You were with her [Courtney], weren't you?

Charlie

What are you, my wife?

Alan

No, I'm the wedding planner.

Charlie

We've got a real problem here.

Berta

What do you mean "we"? [walks away]

My God!

It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Charlie

The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.

Charlie

I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him [Jake].

Alan

I never took any LSD!

Charlie

You might want to start telling people you did.

Charlie

You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall".

Alan

Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".

Charlie

So what do I owe you?

Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for five minutes, so why don't we just round it off and say $200?

Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie. Good-bye.

Evelyn

We're at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!

Charlie

Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

Charlie

Look at him. He can type eighty words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.

Alan

Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.

Charlie

It's not funny.

Alan

Well, maybe not funny "ha-ha", but certainly funny "hee-hee".

Charlie

That boy was nothing like me.

Alan

Well, he doesn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.

Charlie

Hey, hey, lots of kids are named "Chuck", play the piano, and look disturbingly like me.

Berta

He's right. In fact, I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in 'em.

Charlie

Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles. One: If at all possible, ladies first. Two: It's easier to be forgiven than ask permission. And third and most important: the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.

Alan

Except when they don't work.

Charlie

Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box. They should put it in big letters right on the reservoir tip. "Do you feel lucky, dumbass?"

Charlie

What I've wanted to ask you is, "Do you think I've been a good role model?"

Jake

Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!

Charlie

You think so?

Jake

Yeah, they should put your face on money.

Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.

Charlie

Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?

Well, sure, but they don't test every one.

Charlie

They don't?

Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?

Alan

Thanks, Mom. Th-- this is a perfect first job for him.

Charlie

First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.

Evelyn

I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.

Alan

How much are you paying him?

Evelyn

Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.

Alan

Playboy?

Evelyn

Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.

Charlie

Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.