Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

Hey, Alan, I figured out what went wrong in seventh grade!

Alan

What?

Charlie

I hadn't started drinking yet! [walks in drunk]

Alan

Charlie, you have to get out there.

Charlie

Right, the little bastards await.

Teddy

To Evelyn.

Hear, hear.

Charlie

That poor clueless bastard.

Charlie

You can do that?

Alan

Oh, yeah! I spent twelve years watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.

Charlie

But I restrained myself. I walked away, and now I can still look Teddy in the eye.

Alan

That's... that's great, but how come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer, and my old receptionist?

Charlie

I like Teddy. And the receptionist was your fault.

Alan

How?

Charlie

If you'd paid her a decent salary, she wouldn't have had to hook.

Charlie

How could you take the fall for me?

Alan

I don't know, but it always seem works out that when you get laid, I get screwed!

Charlie

Nice, huh?

Alan

Nice? She's magnificent!

Charlie

You should see her naked.

Alan

Can I?

Charlie

Well, I could show you pictures, but you may not wanna see that much of me.

Alan

Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that? And-- and more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?

Charlie

You really wanna know?

Alan

Yeah, what-- what's your secret?

Charlie

Well, see Alan, it's like this. I got a knack.

Alan

[moment of silence] That's not a secret.

Charlie

I didn't think so, but you asked.

Alan

So that's it, you got a knack?

Charlie

Hey, everybody's good at something. You, for instance... [stares at Alan] have no shame.

Alan

Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.

Charlie

Alan, I just took a Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.

Alan

So, uh, how was school this week?

Jake

OK.

Alan

Anything noteworthy happen?

Jake

No.

Charlie

I thought you said he got dumped!

Alan

I was easing into it.

Charlie

Oh, good idea. Go ahead.

Alan

Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.

Charlie

Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.

Alan

I don't care. I got her [his high school girlfriend] number off the Internet and I'm calling her.

Charlie

When are they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock?

Charlie

Hey.

Alan

Hey.

Charlie

How'd it go with Gabrielle?

Alan

I think you know how it went.

Charlie

Yeah, I do. It's kinda like necrophilia, isn't it?

Alan

I didn't go through with it.

Charlie

Really?

Alan

Guess we're different that way. (pause) So... I didn't really steal her from you, did I?

Charlie

Nope.

Alan

You were trying to get rid of her the whole time, weren't you?

Charlie

Yep. But I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Thanks for helping me out with that.

Alan

Well, at least now we're even, right?

Charlie

Not quite.

Alan

What do you mean?

(appears) Charlie. Are you coming back to bed?

Alan

Charity? Charity Kirschenbaum?

Oh, hi, Alan. Long time no see.

Alan

Yeah. 20 years.

Charlie

She looks great, doesn't she? Come on, baby.

Alan

But, but, but...

Charlie

Now we're even. (leaves with Charity; Alan gets enraged to the point where he says...)

Alan

[yelling from distance] I... HATE... YOOOOOOOOUUUU!

Jake

Boxing sucks.

Charlie

As always, you're entitledto your stupid opinion.

Jake

Why are you making it personal? I didn't make it personal. In ultimate fighting, they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.

Charlie

OK, OK, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other. They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.

Jake

Gay. What's with the little pillows on their hands? Even if they hit each other,it wouldn't hurt. (Charlie hits Jake in the arm with a pillow) Ow!

Charlie

Oh, does that hurt?

Jake

Yeah.

Charlie

Good.

Charlie

You clear on everything I told you?

Alan

Yes, yes, I'm gonna go to her house, pick her up, take her to the restaurant--

Charlie

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Pick her up? You're supposed to meet her there.

Alan

Why?

Charlie

What do you mean, "why"? You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.

Alan

You didn't say anything about that.

Charlie

It's common sense. You know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be some hurt feelings and the ride home would be awkward!

Charlie

How can a kid with such lousy taste in pizza and movies have such good taste in girls?

Jake

She is kind of cute.

Charlie

Why don't you go talk to her?

Jake

I don't know what to say.

Charlie

That's never stopped you from running your mouth before!

Jake

Boxing sucks.

Charlie

As always, you're entitled to your stupid opinion.

Jake

Why are you making it personal? I didn't make it personal. In ultimate fighting, they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.

Charlie

OK, OK, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other. They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.

Jake

Gay. What's with the little pillows on their hands? Even if they hit each other, it wouldn't hurt. (Charlie hits Jake in the arm with a pillow) Ow!

Charlie

Oh, does that hurt?

Jake

Yeah.

Charlie

Good. (Alan appears)

Alan

Hey, what are you doing?

Jake

Uncle Charlie hit me.

Alan

Good.

Charlie

Where have you been?

Alan

I'll... I'll tell you later.

Jake

Tell him now. I got better things to do. (leaves)

Charlie

You promised he'd grow on me.

Alan

I lied.

Charlie

So, how was you and Donna?

Alan

It was okay. It may not have been crazy-hot monkey sex like when we first started dating, but it was very much in the general category of, uh, jungle humping.

Charlie

Jungle humping?

Alan

Yes. Maybe not, you know, tree swinging, but certainly canoodling on some low-hanging branches.

Charlie

You poor bastard.

Alan

Don't you dare feel sorry for me! This is what an adult relationship looks like, Charlie. People get comfortable with each other and they develop a routine. And if it's not always fireworks and explosions, well, that's a reasonable trade for a warm, collegial partnership.

Charlie

You poor, poor bastard.

Alan

This conversation is over. (storms off)

Charlie

If only.

Alan

(reappears) OKAY, IT'S BORING! IT'S SUFFOCATING! IT'S A DEATHWATCH! But what choice do I have, Charlie? Pretend I'm you? I'm not you. I'm a monogamous, settle-down kind of guy who hangs on to a relationship until I'm looking at divorce papers or the pointy end of a steak knife.

Charlie

Oh, that's a load of crap. You're just afraid if you let go of one of these broads, you're never going to get laid again.

Alan

DIDN'T I JUST SAY THAT?!

Jake

You really want to do something with me?

Alan

Yes!

Jake

How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and you pick me up when we're done?

Alan

And... what am I supposed to do all that time?

Jake

Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls Girls Girls.

Charlie

Who's going to Les Girls Girls Girls?

Alan

Nobody.

Charlie

Too bad. Daytime's better. Dancers are a little worse for wear but they try harder.

Charlie

Hello? Anybody here? Anybody gonna take care of good old Charlie? OK, then. [picks up the phone] Time to scrape the bottom of the barrel. [on the phone]: Mommy, I don't feel good!

Evelyn

Charles, don't tell me you've got a case of the Bangkok Drippy-Drip. [to her pedicurist]: No offense.

Charlie

No, it's either a cold or a flu

Evelyn

And this concerns me how?

Charlie

I thought you could make me some soup or put a cold wet cloth on my head.

Evelyn

Oh darling, I'd love to, but, unfortunately, Mommy's sick too

Charlie

That does sound bad.

Evelyn

Oh, it is.

[In Thai, subtitled] I hate painting the hooves of this white she-bitch.

Charlie

What was that?

Evelyn

Oh, just my delerious fever babble. Bye dear.