Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Teddy

Charlie, when you get to be my age, most of your friends are either married or dead.

Charlie

What's the difference?

Teddy

The dead ones smell up my plane.

Evelyn

As I said, Teddy's fine, but there are some areas in which he just... doesn't measure up... to Hugo.

Oh, Mom!

Evelyn

It's the biggest I've ever seen. Makes it worth eating dinner at 3:30.

Charlie

Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?

Berta

Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.

Charlie

I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.

Berta

Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Alan

How do they feel?

Jake

OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.

Alan

They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.

Charlie

Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.

Alan

I hope he [Jake] didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.

Charlie

Ah, he's smarter than that.

Alan

Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.

Alan

And-And what about you?

Charlie

What about me?

Alan

You're afraid of everything.

Charlie

Like what?

Alan

Well, let's see. Germs, change, commitment, opening your eyes under water, angry husbands, angry ex-girlfriends, large birds, spiders, and mom.

Charlie

Hold on. Hold on a sec. I am not afraid to open my eyes under water. I'm just sensitive to chlorine. And for the record, it's just when birds get indoors. In the sky, I got no problem.

Alan

Fine, fine. Live in denial. I'm gonna try and straighten my kid out.

We have a saying in my country. "You can put a tuxedo on a goat, but still a goat. "

Charlie

Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too: "Help me, my balls are on fire!"

Alan

Well, I-- I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.

Evelyn

So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?

Alan

No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.

Evelyn

Charlie, what about you?

Charlie

I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.

Alan

Now, I have been to a lot of these things with Mom, and I know you think it's gonna be bad, but believe me, it's gonna be worse than you can even imagine.

Charlie

You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You just love seeing me unhappy.

Alan

Yeah. I mean, did you feel sorry for me when I had to wear that cowboy outfit to her celebrity AIDS hoedown?

Charlie

That was different.

Alan

How?

Charlie

It was you.

Alan

Yeah, well, now it's you. Yippie-ki-yay, mother-accompanier.

Charlie

She [Evelyn] can be a cranky drunk.

Alan

Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.

Charlie

Where the hell should I go?

Out the window.

Charlie

Are you crazy? I'm not going out the window.

He's an ex-Marine.

Charlie

I'm going out the window.

Charlie

A blind date? Forget it, Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.

Alan

He doesn't?

Charlie

No, he doesn't.

Alan

Can't we ask him?

Charlie

Don't bother. I know what he'll say.

Alan

OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?

Alan

I can't believe it. You're nervous about a date.

Charlie

Of course I'm nervous! What am I gonna talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a forty-year-old woman since high school!

Alan

Well, Charlie, that's the great thing about seeing someone your own age. There's always something to talk about because what you've been through, she's been through.

Charlie

Oh, I hardly think so.

Alan

All right, point taken. But she's a fascinating woman. She's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA...

Charlie

Aw, man, you didn't tell me that!

Alan

Does that make a difference?

Charlie

It makes a big difference! The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass!

Alan

Oh, come on, Charlie, so you struck out with a woman. It happens. Believe me, it happens! And when it does, the best thing to do is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and curse God for making you the way you are.

Charlie

All right, forget it, I don't need you. I'll call her [Linda] myself. [leaves]

Berta

Where are you going?

Charlie

I don't know. Someplace where the bottles are full and the women are empty.