Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

OK, um, let me just start, uh, by saying I applaud the, uh, the gusto with which you approach life.

Charlie

Thank you.

Alan

Um, that being said, uh, are you, um, out of your FREAKIN' MIND?!

Charlie

Beg pardon?

Alan

You just could not control yourself; 'A female is in the house, she must be mounted!'

Charlie

No, it's not like that at all, and why do you even care?

Alan

Why?! You ask me why?! I will tell you why: because every time you rut with any woman even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering!

Charlie

Oh, that's ridiculous!

Alan

Ridiculous, you say? Alright, alright let's look at the record. You slept with Judith's sister...

Charlie

Well yeah-

Alan

At my wedding reception! You had more sex on my wedding day that I did!

Charlie

That part's not my fault!

Alan

Ok, let's jump ahead. When Judith was divorcing me, who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, causing her to take revenge on me?!

Charlie

Hold on, that chick was nuts!

Alan

I lost everything!

Charlie

To be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with!

Charlie

This relationship isn't based on sex!

Berta

Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats Bourbon and farts $100 bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?

Alan

How was the reception?

Charlie

Kind of a letdown after the ceremony. But you'll be happy to know your little outburst is already on YouTube.

Alan

Damn camera phones.

Alan

You think I joined a support group to pick up women?

Charlie

No, I think you joined a support 'cause you're a whiny little wuss. But as long as you're there, you might as well nail a few.

Charlie

Berta, how long have you been working for me?

Berta

Define "working".

Jake

How much can I bet?

Charlie

How much did you bring?

Jake

I have to use my own money?

Charlie

Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?

Jake

OK... [looking in his wallet] I have fourteen dollars.

Charlie

That's not gonna get you very far.

Jake

Um... oh, and I have a fifty-dollar gift certificate to Pizza Hut. Wanna buy it?

Charlie

Sure, I'll give you twenty-five bucks.

Jake

But it's worth fifty.

Charlie

To who?

Jake

To Pizza Hut.

Charlie

Well, then let the good folks at Pizza Hut place a bet for you.

Alan

What a day. Just sitting and sitting and sitting.

Charlie

Huh.

Alan

It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail.

Charlie

It's just money, Alan.

Alan

Well, I don't want him to think like that!

Charlie

Oh, much better he think like you? Squirreling away every dime he makes so he'll have it handy for alimony payments and phone sex?

Alan

For the last time, I misdialed!

Charlie

Yeah, every Wednesday night for twenty minutes.

Charlie

(still drunk) [after Alan opens the door] Oh, hey Alan, come on in!

Alan

Why don't you come in here?

Charlie

Yeah, I Lost my key. (pause; then Charlie holds up keys) DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Jake

She [Chloe] brought soup.

Charlie

Why would she bring soup?

Alan

You told her you had a bug, so she assumed it was bronchial. If you'd been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.

Charlie

I'm not jealous!

Alan

Charlie, you want to fire this guy [Fernando] just because he's younger and better looking than you.

Jake

And he can sing.

Charlie

This has nothing to do with that, and I can sing too!

Jake

Yeah, but you stink.

Charlie

Alan, you know the difference between you and me?

Alan

Yeah! I wouldn't fire the handyman before he finishes!

Charlie

About to sleep with my girlfriend?!

OK [as in, "OK, that sounds better.] About to.

Evelyn

Teddy lives in Denver but he does a lot of business in L.A., so I helped him find a little pied-à-terre in Century City.

Jake

What's a "pied-à-terre"?

Evelyn

It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma".

Mom!

Evelyn

Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him.

Alan

Yeah, but what about us?

Charlie

Look, Alan, I have no interest in hanging out with Mom's boyfriend du jour.

Alan

Why not? He seems like a great guy.

Charlie

He might be the greatest guy in the world, but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had. Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances. No matter what, you're left standing on the curb with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation, waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes!