Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Thank you for a lovely dinner.

Charlie

You're welcome. [they kiss]

Good night.

Charlie

Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?

I don't need to be tucked in, Charlie.

Charlie

Oh, come on, everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.

Well, then, go tuck yourself.

Charlie

I guess I'll have to.

Jake

Hot girl at twelve o'clock.

Charlie

Where?

Jake

Over there.

Alan

That would be nine o'clock.

Jake

No, it's twelve. Actually, it's 12:05. Twelve-ish.

Charlie

You want to straighten him out, or should I?

Alan

Go ahead, take a swing.

Charlie

OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.

Jake

What if you have a digital watch?

Charlie

First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.

Alan

Charlie?

Charlie

What?

Alan

I need your help.

Charlie

If you're doing the laundry, all I can say is you're doing it wrong.

Alan

No, no, the, uh, the lady I've been seeing, you know, uh, Linda's friend, Donna? Uh, she wants to, how shall we say, take it up a notch.

Charlie

Yeah, so?

Alan

I'm out of notches.

Charlie

Fine, what do you need?

Alan

A younger man's penis.

[knocks on the door]

Charlie

Oh, for God's sake. Who is it?

Room service, señor.

Charlie

We didn't order anything.

Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.

Charlie

Can you slip it under the door?

Alan

You're-- you're living in a dream world! Money doesn't just fall from the sky.

Charlie

Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

Alan

[to Jake] Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?

Charlie

I do not. Do you have any idea how beautiful you look in that light?

Alan

I'm not talking to you.

Charlie

Yeah, well, I'm not talking to you either, except for right now, this is me talking to you, but, no longer. [makes pop sound]

Alan

Would you please just... go to sleep?

Charlie

Okey-dokey. [grabs pillow and goes out of view]

Charlie

Will you make up your freaking mind?

Alan

Charlie, wake up. You need to see this.

Charlie

Can I throw up in it?

Alan

No.

Charlie

Then I don't need to see it.

Charlie

I came to apologize. I am sorry about last night.

You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career? For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?

Charlie

Ooh, yeah! I mean, unless I did something else.

No, you did quite enough, thank you.

Charlie

Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night so my mother gave me what I assumed was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock.

Alan

Look, don't worry, you'll grow into it.

Jake

Why couldn't I get clothes that fit now?

Alan

Yeah, well, quit going through puberty and we'll talk about it.

Jake

Quit been so cheap and we'll talk about it! [leaves]

Alan

Hey, hey, watch your mouth!

Charlie

Hard to punish him for telling the truth.

Alan

So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?

Charlie

Hey, leave Jake out of this.

Charlie

What I'm saying is, you got nothing to complain about. You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid flowered towels in my guest bathroom!

Alan

Hey, those towels are very pretty! They brighten up the whole room!

Charlie

They're gay, and they scream "civil union"!

Alan

They do not!

Charlie

"We're here, we're queer, dry your hands on us!"

Charlie

I thought I made it perfectly clear: I don't want this stupid bowl in my living room.

Alan

No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys, so I put it on the coffee table for candy.

Charlie

Well, now it's on your head for a hat.

Alan

Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.

Charlie

There's a word for that, Alan: "Utopia"!

Alan

When did you become the king of kids' songs?

Charlie

When did you become the Federal Trade Commission?

Charlie

Who loves kids?

Charlie Waffles!

Charlie

Right!

Charlie

That's it, what do you think?

Jake

You couldn't have TiVo'd this?

Charlie

Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you!