Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

Hey... Great...to see you...again.

Naomi

Yeah, I don't think we've met.

Charlie

Really?

Naomi

Really.

Charlie

(Shoves Alan) Are you trying to give me a stroke?!?

Alan

When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I-- I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but... she just couldn't get enough of me. And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman I just... [lustful moan]

Charlie

OK, seriously, you got to stop that.

Alan

I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.

Charlie

Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.

Alan

The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?

Charlie

No, the repeated blows to his unformed head.

Alan

You are-- are such an idiot. All the experts agree that sex during pregnancy is not harmful to the baby.

Charlie

Experts, schmexperts. Tonight when you're sleeping, I'm gonna come in and start poking you in the ear with a hot dog. See how you like it.

Charlie

Can we pull over for a minute?

Berta

In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy. Take a left right up here.

Charlie

That's not a road.

Berta

Well, not during rainy season.

Charlie

Lot of cold medicine. They must have allergies or something.

Berta

You don't watch 60 Minutes, do you?

What?

Berta

You Ronald?

No.

Damn it, Darlene! We're incognito, remember? [to Charlie and Berta]: You cops?

Berta

Yeah. I'm Scully; this is Mulder.

Alan

I-- I'm sorry, I'm a little cranky. I-- I haven't slept in two days.

Jake

Why don't you take a pill?

Charlie

He doesn't believe in pills.

Jake

How can you not believe in them? They're on TV all the time!

Alan

Let me tell you something, Jake: Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think you can take a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Can't wake up? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Can't get it up? Take a pill.

Jake

Can't get what up?

Alan

Oh, would you please just get your drunken ass out of bed and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?!

Charlie

Well, since you said "please".

Charlie

Why would I hit on Taylor's mom?

Jake

Well, she's kind of pretty, and you'll hit on anything with a pulse.

Charlie

Where'd you get that?

Jake

My mom.

Charlie

Oh. Well...

Jake

And my dad, Berta, Rose, Grandma...

Charlie

OK, OK!

Jake

...the UPS man...

Charlie

All right!

Alan

So, what do you want?

Jake

Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn, and a slushy.

Charlie

What are you doing, building an ass bomb?

Alan

No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.

Charlie

Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis.

Charlie

I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing 'cause I was sitting on the can listening to you not take a crap!

Alan

You're actually blaming me 'cause I had to go to the bathroom.

Charlie

You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!

Alan

Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!

Charlie

I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.

Alan

You don't understand. The money isn't for me.

Charlie

Really? Who's it for?

Alan

Old Alan.

Charlie

Old Alan?

Alan

Yeah, you know, the Alan of the future.

Charlie

You're kidding, they're still gonna have Alans in the future?

Alan

No, see, [sighs] the thing is, [sighs] I've been going through kind of a rough financial time since... well, high school. Anyway, it-- it occurred to me that I could wind up an old man with no one to take care of me. I mean, who will Old Alan be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport.

Charlie

I couldn't help but notice that you, uh, put some of your stuff in one of my drawers.

Lydia

Yeah. Hey, you want to come in here and make up for last night?

Charlie

Yeah, but I think we should talk about this drawer thing.

Lydia

OK. [she opens the shower curtain to reveal her nude self to Charlie] Talk.

Charlie

[about doing laundry] OK, OK, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.

Alan

It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress. Let's start by separating her delicates.

Charlie

How is that not like a cocktail waitress?

Alan

[trying to ignore Charlie] The reason you need to do these separately is they're mostly synthetic.

Charlie

Add a beat-up Civic and an ex-husband and we're back to cocktail waitress!

Charlie

What will they think of next?

Alan

Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time. Shh.

Charlie

Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what?

Alan

We wait.

Charlie

How will we know when we're done?

Alan

Don't worry. The machine will call you on your cell phone.

Charlie

You know what? We need to work on our communication skills.

Alan

You know, I always thought that, but I didn't think you'd be open--

Charlie

[interrupting] No, no, no, you jackass! God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin!