Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

I stole him [Chester].

Charlie

Oh, Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think!

Jake

Hey!

Charlie

Oh, [...] finally up the phone.

Jake

Yeah.

Charlie

When do you get Wendy [...] the necklace?

Charlie

Dude, I am really sorry. What happened?

Jake

She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.

Jake

[...] and [...].

Charlie

Ooooooh!

Jake

Yeah well, I'm done with relationships. From now on I'm gonna be like you.

Charlie

Why would you wanna be like me?

Jake

'Cause you never fall in love with anybody, so you never get hurt.

Charlie

Okay, listen to me. Being hurt sucks...but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. It's what gives the man hope. What gives his live meaning. Don't turnin' back on love Jake. I did. And I reget it every day.

Charlie

Might God strike me down if I'm lying. [Looks up and whispers: Thank you!] Alright, game's over! Let's go!

Jake

Where we going?

Charlie

[...] your dad out of jail.

Jake

[...]

Charlie

Sure, why not.

Jake

Hey.

Charlie

Oh, look who's finally off the phone.

Jake

Yeah.

Charlie

When are you gonna give Wendy Cho the necklace?

Jake

[depressed] I'm not.

Charlie

[mocking] What happened? You chicken out?

Jake

[depressed] No.

Charlie

[reproachful] I don't believe it! You dragged my ass all the way down to the mall. I pony up 40 bucks for the necklace and you chicken out!

Jake

[loud] She just dumped me, you old turd!

Charlie

[surprised] Oh. You could have told me that before I started being an old turd.

Jake

[disappointed] I'm only twelve. I need a time machine.

Charlie

Ah dude, I am really sorry. What happened?

Jake

She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.

Charlie

[perplexed] What, Chinese and Caucasian?

Jake

Gifted and remedial.

Charlie

Ohh...

Jake

Yeah. Well, I'm done with relationships. From now on, I'm gonna be like you.

Charlie

Why would you wanna be like me?

Jake

'Cause you never fall in love with anybody, so you never get hurt.

Charlie

Okay, listen to me. Being hurt sucks...but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. It's what gives a man hope. What gives his live meaning. Don't turn your back on love Jake. I did. And I regret it every day.

Jake

[hopefully] Really?

Charlie

May God strike me down if I'm lying. [Looks up and whispers: Thank you!] Alright, the game's over. Let's go.

Jake

Where we going?

Charlie

Might as well bail your dad out of jail.

Jake

Can we get something to eat first?

Charlie

Sure, why not?

Charlie

Hey, after the kid goes back to his mother's, you want to go out to grab some dinner?

Alan

I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.

Charlie

"Why not? You got a date?" he said, knowing the answer but asking anyway, just to be polite.

Alan

"No, I don't have a date," he replied, all the while thinking, "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."

Charlie

A-five, six, seven, eight...

Alan

[sings and dances] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!

Charlie

Until he [Jake] was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!

Alan

Hey, hey, uh, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks, ha-- have you considered eloping to Vegas?

Herb

Hmmm. No, we haven't--

Alan

No, I know what you're thinking, "tacky-tacky," but... uh, it's classy and very romantic.

Charlie

Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.

Alan

Jake can have a little brother-- that would be a blessing for him, would it?

Herb

Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.

Alan

Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.

Charlie

If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.

Alan

Yeah, I-I-I... I think this phone is 'unning outta 'atteries. I 'aid, 'is 'one is 'unning outta 'atteries. 'ood-bye, 'udith. [hangs up] Think she bought it?

Charlie

If she did, she's 'upider than 'ou.

Alan

Do you know what's the problem with sushi?

Charlie

You mean besides eating it with you?

Alan

It's all fleshy and flappy and wet. Feels unnatural against my tongue.

Charlie

Hey, Alan?

Alan

What?

Charlie

I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.

Charlie

And, uh, uh, this is my housekeeper, Berta. Berta, Lydia.

Berta

Choose your words carefully, slim.

Lydia

"Slim?" Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.

Berta

Going in or coming out?

Good to have you back, Mr Harper. We haven't seen your mother here for quite some time.

Charlie

Maybe you just didn't recognise her. Like Satan, my mother can take many forms!

[in an undertone to Charlie] Many forms. I thought you were joking!

Charlie

All right, she [Lydia] might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.

Jake

She must be dynamite in the sack.

Alan

Where do you get this stuff from?

Jake

Cinemax.

Charlie

Well, not that my sex life is any of your business--

Alan

It's not his business. It-- it's nobody's business. So, uh, what does she do for a living?

Jake

Besides being a stone-cold bee-yotch. [Charlie and Alan stare at him] HBO.

Evelyn

So Charlie, how long have you been seeing this... lovely woman?

Charlie

Er...how long has it been, sweetie?

Lydia

Are you telling me you don't remember when we met?

Evelyn

The way he drinks?! There's a good chance he doesn't remember coming down the stairs!

Lydia

Did his father drink?

Charlie

What choice did he have?!

Alan

Charlie, it's OK. You've been working out your maternal issues by having sex with other women your entire life. All you're doing now is cutting out the middle man.

Charlie

Oh, that is just sick!

Alan

My point exactly.

Naomi

[She's pregnant] Hi.

Alan

Hi.

Naomi

Yeah... I'm not sure I have the right address.

Alan

No, you got the right address. Charlie, it's for you!

Charlie

Who is it?

Alan

Karma!

Charlie

What?

Alan

Your chickens have come home to roost.

Charlie

Chickens? Karma? Alan, what the hell are you talking...

Charlie

Ohhhhhh. Charlie, it's for you!