Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

Okay, she [Lydia] has some faults, but you have to admit she does have her benefits.

Berta

Yeah? Well I aint hitting any of them benefits so I don't care.

Charlie

And don't tell Berta she [Lydia] was here.

Alan

Fine. Just give me a heads up when you're lying.

Charlie

I'm always lying. I'll give you a heads up when I'm not. [leaves]

Alan

Yeah you're the smart one. Know how I know? The washing machine called and told me [sits on the couch]

Berta

Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog. You want this broad lit up or just slightly glowing?

Charlie

Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goood will towards all mankind. So let's get her plowed!!

Berta

Hallelujah!

Well... I don't like fat guys.

Charlie

Interesting. Turns out... I draw the line at incest.

So you'd do a fat guy?

Rose

Did you hear that? Charlie found his boundary!

Berta

It's a miracle!

Rose

A Christmas miracle.

Jake

Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.

Charlie

That's a life lesson, Jake.

Rose

How could you have a Christmas party and not invite me?

Charlie

This isn't a Christmas party.

Rose

Well, what do you call it?

Charlie

The beginning of a news story that ends with the phrase "He then turned the gun on himself".

Charlie

You let some broad talk you into piercing your ear?

Alan

Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce.

Jake

What else can you pierce?

Nothing.

Jake

Fine. Don't tell me. I'll Google it. [leaves]

Charlie

Don't worry. He can't spell "pierce".

Alan

He can't spell "Google".

Charlie

[referring to Alan's new piercing] You do know that's the gay ear?

Alan

What?

Charlie

Left ear says "I'm a hipster from the disco era." Right ear says "Let's disco!!"

Alan

Come on guys, please give me a hand on this.

Can't help ya.

Alan

Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.

Yeah, look at your dad!

Evelyn

Anyway, I have to string Mr. Goto along until I have something to show him that actually is for sale.

Charlie

Oh, I understand. It's called a bait and switch, and it's a felony.

Evelyn

Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground, and with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo.

Charlie

Anyway, at some point they realized I was standing there, and the guy said to me, "Don't worry, Speed Racer. I'm not hurting your mom."

Alan

Speed Racer?

Charlie

Remember, I had the Speed Racer pajamas?

Alan

Oh, yeah! Yeah! Our Christmas pajamas! You got Speed Racer, and I got Laverne & Shirley. So typical, I'm--

Charlie

This is not about you, Alan! This is about a horrible moment in my life that I completely repressed: Mom and the man with a big red mustache. Oh, God. I just realized why Yosemite Sam always made me nauseous! [sighs] And I'll tell you the worst part...

Alan

Worse than Laverne & Shirley pajamas?

Charlie

Alan...

Alan

I am amazed I'm not a raging queen.

Charlie

We all are!

Alan

Hey, at least I didn't talk him [Jake] into putting crotchless panties on a Butterball turkey!

Charlie

Oh, right. Best Thanksgiving ever.

Alan

You told me it's how the Pilgrims got through the harsh winter.

Charlie

Oh God, it's all coming back.[Remembering the men he has seen his mother have sex with as a child] Uncle Joe, Uncle Steve, Uncle Jorje. Oh God...[looks terrified] Uncle Jorge. And I wasn't related to any one of them.

Rose

Wow.

Charlie

Yeah. Tell me about it. Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt, there was no snakebite on her boob!

Charlie

Morning.

Berta

Hey, how you feeling?

Charlie

Not too bad, really.

Berta

That was some fall you took.

Charlie

Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.

Berta

You think the liquor industry would promote that.

Charlie

It is a selling point. Right up there with making ugly people doable.

You men are all alike. Isn't there anyone left who just wants to get married and raise a family?

Charlie

Yeah, but they're all gay.