Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

You know what that smell is? Epiphany... For Men.

Charlie

You see, Sandy, it's sort of a family tradition. Every year our mom invites us over for Christmas even though she doesn't want us to come, and we say yes even we don't want to go. Then when we don't show up, even though she's secretly relieved, she gets to complain about what horrible children she has to all of her friends. It's the perfect gift.

Charlie

Marriage, boredom, alimony, death?

Charlie

Rose, think about it. Where are you gonna find a guy who loves you as much as Gordon? And Gordon, where are you gonna find a girl... period?

Charlie

All right, then... how about a quickie for old times' sake?

Charlie

All good arguments for the quickie.

Charlie

What are you looking at me for? Just stay out of her neighborhood!

Charlie

No dogs in my house, especially not stolen ones that are large enough to make me their bitch.

Charlie

Way better.

Charlie

[about Jake] Puberty is going to hit him like a shovel!

Charlie

[To Jake because he and Alan are going out] Don't burn the house down and if you do, don't be here when I get back.

Charlie

We had fun last night, though, right?

Charlie

Well, that explains why I dreamt I was kissing Abe Lincoln.

Charlie

[singing] Glooohohohohohoooohohohohohooooohohohohoooooria! Tonight I'm boinking Gloria!

Charlie

[singing] Four call girls. Three French maids. Two drunk twins. And a lap dance in a pear tree!

Charlie

Yeah, but she treats me like number two.

Charlie

Again, I'm sorry. Mea culpa. Now if you'll excuse me, mea going upstairs for a culpa hours.