You see, Sandy, it's sort of a family tradition. Every year our mom invites us over for Christmas even though she doesn't want us to come, and we say yes even we don't want to go. Then when we don't show up, even though she's secretly relieved, she gets to complain about what horrible children she has to all of her friends. It's the perfect gift.
Alan [referring to his new girlfriend Sandy]: Huh? Huh? Beauty, sex, cooking, laundry?
Marriage, boredom, alimony, death?
You lucky dog!
What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!
Yeah, so? Sex with crazy chicks is great! Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.
No, no, that would be taking advantage of a... a mentally unbalanced person.
Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed! May as well hop on board for a farewell cruise!
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