Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

[drunk] Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there? (drops onion) Run, Run, You're Free!

Charlie

Hey, if you two [birds] don't have any other plans, why don't you fly over to the Hollywood Bowl and take a crap on my brother?

Charlie

Everyone's using old rock songs now. They're not gonna hire a guy like me to write a jingle for tampons when they can just play "Stuck in the Middle With You".

Charlie

[plays a little bit then burps as kids laugh] That one's not on the CD!

Charlie

I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me, and in my next statement, there were charges for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.

Charlie

Go, my son, drizzle thy frosting on the divorced sticky buns of the Valley!

Charlie

Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.

Charlie

You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy. But what you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to make me the happy-go-lucky, drunken ass-wrangler I am today.

Charlie

Alan, you got a little evil on your face.

Charlie

Other side.

Charlie

Oh, that's unfortunate on so many levels.

Charlie

Hey, hey, it's got nothing to do with jealousy. I just know, based on a lifetime of experience, that penises do not observe a traditional mourning period.

Charlie

Should've known. The second you give 'em a ring, they fall out of warranty.

Charlie

Is it ridiculous to want the turds in my bathroom to be human?

Charlie

[in a text to Walden] You despicable troll. You thought you could replace my ninja awesomeness, you lame clown. I will deploy army of assassins to destroy you, I will bring my bayonets of truth to the hexagon of death where I will carve my initials into your reptilian skull and cover you in tiger's blood.

Charlie

How did you get in my house?

Alan

Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!

Charlie

Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.