Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Did you know they [the pizzeria he is delivering for] actually have a little machine that shoots the cheese into the crust?

Charlie

Is that so?

Alan

Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun. Can't kill yourself with it, though. I tried.

Jake

Hey, how come my mom hates Kandi?

Charlie

What gave you the idea that she hates her?

Jake

'Cause she says so... a lot.

Charlie

All right. Why do you think?

Jake

I dunno. She's pretty, she's fun, and Dad seems real happy with her.

Charlie

Well, little man, you just answered your own question.

Jake

I did? What'd I say?

Charlie

It's like this: You ever see a kid at school who doesn't like his lunch but he won't let you have it either?

Jake

Oh, yeah. Russell Beasley. He'll spit on his apple cobbler before he'll let anybody else eat it.

Charlie

Well, this is pretty much the same deal, except your mom is Russell Beasley, and your dad is the spit-covered cobbler.

Jake

I don't understand.

Charlie

Even though your mom doesn't want your dad, she doesn't want Kandi to eat him, either.

Jake

Oh.

Alan

Where are you going?

Charlie

I'm gonna solve all your problems. (returns to the kitchen with a baseball bat in his hand) You wanna see it coming or should I surprise you?

Alan

(mock laughter) You're not funny.

Judith

What in God's name does she see in him?

Charlie

Well, I don't have all the details, Mrs. Harper, but apparently, when he's not being emasculated and demoralized on a daily basis, he's quite the lover.

Judith

What's that supposed to mean?

Charlie

Well, you know what they say, your average man is like a good field mule. You don't beat him, he'll keep plowing all day long.

Judith

Nobody says that.

Charlie

You're hard to fool. Look, I don't mean to be rude, but...I'm tired of talking to you. [closes the door in Judith's face.]

Alan

Are you sure I'm not interrupting?

Charlie

Don't worry about it. We're kind of at the seventh-inning stretch anyway.

Mandi

You can go two more innings?

Charlie

Even if I have to start throwing knuckle balls.

Alan

Yeah, good times. But back to recent events--

Charlie

Ooh, ooh! Remember when I told you the cat litter box was filled with almond roca? He ate four of them. [Mandi laughs]

Alan

Are we done visiting Charlie Harper's Museum of Sibling Cruelty?

Alan

So as I was leaving my ex-wife's house, I ran into your ex-husband.

Mandi

Andy?

Alan

I guess.

Charlie

Wait a second. It's Mandi, Andy, and Kandi?

Mandi

What's your point?

Charlie

No point. Mandi, Andy, Kandi. Dandy.

Charlie

Forget it, Alan. I only do the après sex chat with people I've just had sex with.

Alan

Come on, she's [Kandi] playing Family Feud with her toes!

Charlie

I don't care if she's playing banjo with her nipples!

Alan

But I-- I need to communicate after lovemaking. I-- I need to share.

Charlie

Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you started boinkin' a girl with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo!

Alan

Fine. [walks away from Charlie toward Berta] Hey, Berta, how's it going?

Berta

Back off, Zippy. If you want pillow talk, you gotta spoon me first.

Charlie

You like classic rock, right?

Jake

Right.

Charlie

OK, well, pick a band.

Jake

How about Queen?

Alan

Oh, good. I was afraid he was gonna pick something gay.

Charlie

Let me give you an example. Jake's at a party. All the boys are on one side of the room, all the girls are on the other. What's he do?

Alan

Um...

Charlie

You see? You see? Right there. That "Um..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.

Alan

Define "chronic".

Charlie

Face it Alan. What can you bring to the table other than a lifetime of failure with women?

Alan

It's not a lifetime yet!

Charlie

I, on the other hand have a wealth of experience.

Alan

He's [Jake's] twelve! He doesn't need to know how to choreograph a three-way!

Charlie

Relax, Jake, Ricky knows what he's doing. He's been cutting my hair for years.

Jake

Well, what if I don't want to look like you?

Charlie

What's wrong with the way I look?

Jake

Nothing... if you're a statue in front of a Big Boy restaurant.

Charlie

I'm buying the little wiseass a $75 haircut, and he's taking shots at me?!

Alan

You said it yourself: He has to find his own look.

Charlie

Yeah, well, let him find it on somebody else's MasterCard!

Alan

Come on, look at his point of view.

Charlie

What's his point of view?

Alan

Well, put overalls on you, and you do look kind of like the Big Boy. Stand like this for me: [poses like a Big Boy statue]

Alan

Nevertheless, I am Jake's father, and I believe that childhood should be a time of innocence.

Charlie

I agree, childhood should be a time of innocence. And Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complementary after the fifth cocktail, but that's not the world we live in. This party tonight is the initial round in a lifelong process of sexual elimination.

Alan

Oh, really?

Charlie

Think of it as musical chairs, but when the music stops, the guys who have a clue are sitting on a woman instead of a chair. The guys who have no clue? They'll spend their teenage years-- well, I certainly don't need to tell Dungeon Master Alan.

Alan

Charlie, be serious. I remember how nervous I was about my first boy-girl party.

Charlie

Oh yeah, that was in college, wasn't it?"