Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Jake

Oh, yeah, she [Mia] wants us to come see her dance next weekend.

Charlie

It [the newspaper] says she's performing this weekend.

Jake

Oh, I guess she called last weekend.

Charlie

You're telling me this now?!

Alan

Charlie, Charlie, calm down.

Charlie

How many things does the kid have to handle? Eat, poop, tell me who called!

Jake

She said some guy named Will has tickets.

Jake

I don't know. She said he'd call.

Charlie

Will's gonna call?

Alan

You mean the tickets are at will call?

Jake

I don't know, maybe.

Charlie

Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats!

Charlie

Hey, Alan. [to Jake]: Matey.

Jake

I'm not a pirate.

Charlie

You're not a gangsta, either. You're a dorky white kid with a Cub Scout bandana on his head. [takes it off]

Jake

Yo, hate the game, don't hate the playa.

Mia

Why don't I get changed and I'll stop by your house in a little while?

Charlie

Sure, I'll be up, 'cause you know, I'm a night person.

Mia

I remember.

Charlie

Of course, if you come too late, I could be drunk.

Mia

I remember.

Charlie

Or there could be other women there.

Mia

I remember.

Mia

Charlie, The reason I came here is... I want your sperm.

Charlie

Alright, where do you want it?

Alan

So, so why did Mia come to you [for sperm]?

Charlie

Well, you know, her biological clock is ticking. Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, so, you know, slim pickings there. And she doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come along.

Alan

Which pretty much leaves you.

Charlie

Yep, I'm good genetic material, you know? Easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.

Alan

Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.

Alan

Well, I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I was married, I used to pretend that I was having sex with a-- a completely different woman.

Charlie

Oh, thanks. The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along!

Charlie

Did she [Rose] just use the front door?

Charlie

She never used the front door before.

Charlie

Well, I, I, I told her I was going to marry Mia and I think I could actually see her medication stop working.

Alan

What do you think she's gonna do?

Charlie

The question isn't what, it's when, and how I'm gonna enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles glued to my ass crack.

Alan

I just found my old wedding folder, and guess what was in it.

Charlie

The claim check for your manhood?

Alan

As I was saying, it's all here, everything you could possibly need for your big day, from paper samples for your announcements, to selected verses of romantic poetry well suited for wedding vows.

Charlie

And you wonder why people think you're gay?

Mia

My dad called today; he wants to take your family out to dinner.

Charlie

Yeah, well tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!

Mia

Come on Charlie, they're gonna have to meet sooner or later.

Charlie

Ok, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?

Mia

What's happier than a wedding?

Charlie

Well, my mother's funeral springs to mind! There'll be music, dancing...my mom'll be in a box!

Evelyn

Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.

Charlie

I can read, Mom.

Jake

Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.

Charlie

We can never go back, Jake.

Alan

Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.

Evelyn

Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.

Charlie

Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?

Evelyn

I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.

Charlie

Um, Mom...?

Evelyn

Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!

Kandi

I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.

Charlie

I don't freakin' believe it.

Alan

Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm moving out of your house!

Charlie

I don't freakin' believe it!

Alan

[about Charlie's wedding night] Take my advice; tell her you love her, give her a big kiss, and try to fall asleep with your ass pointing towards an open window!

Charlie

You, sir, have the heart of a poet.

Alan

I am merely the voice of smelly experience.

Alan

Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?

Charlie

Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.

Alan

An hour and a half?

Charlie

I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.

Alan

You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?

Charlie

Better safe than sorry.

Alan

I just want to be alone.

Charlie

Well you don't need me, it's your home run swing.

Alan

Just close the door on the way out.

Charlie

Fine I'll close it, then I'll nail it shut, plaster it over and hang over it a picture of something a little more cheerful, like a plane crash.

Charlie

All right, I didn't want to have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Berta

What are you gonna do?

Charlie

Something I hoped I'd never have to do.

Rose

You don't mean...

Charlie

I'm afraid so. [on the phone]: Hello? Mom?

Alan

God, what plague have you set upon me now?

Evelyn

Alan? It's Mommy!

Alan

Good one.