Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

And did she [Evelyn] or did she not say that I'm a lazy-ass schlock jingle writer who wasted thirteen years of piano lessons that she paid for by marrying a series of men with large wallets and small penises?

Mia

Yes, that was mentioned. But it's only natural for someone who loves you to want to see you live up to your potential. I mean, do you really want to be known as the guy who writes songs about adult diapers?

Charlie

Hey, it's better than being known as the guy who wears them.

Charlie

Well, good! Maybe now you know how I feel, sitting in a restaurant eating medallions of bean curd with lawnmower sauce! Am I right? No man should have to eat anything with the word "curd" in it!

Mia

You know, you're turning into a real ass here!

Charlie

Well, then, I'm finally living up to my potential. [Mia leaves] I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-humping ass, as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be. As He meant all men to be! [one person claps but everyone else is silent] You guys are disappointing God.

Charlie

Hey, here's a fun fact. You're sleeping with a girl who was born when you were in junior high, and yet there's a good chance she lost her virginity before you did.

Charlie

And here's another fun fact. I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you too.

Alan

[scoffs again, and again does the math and smiles] That is a fun fact!

Alan

You're kidding, Rose has a boyfriend?

Charlie

Yep.

Alan

A real one or like Toby the astronaut?

Alan

Uh, well... uh, uh, you see Jake, um... In the Old West, uh, uh... cowboys, uh, could be out on the-- the dusty range... uh, uh, for months... at a time, and, uh, they get mighty dirty. Um, so they'd, uh, they'd, uh, mosey into town, uh, with nothing but the-- the clothes on their backs, uh, and th-- they'd need to, to, to wash them. So what-- what they'd do is, uh, they-- they would go down to the-- the, the... "crick", uh, and, uh, strip down until they were wearing, uh, nothing but their boots.

Charlie

Why'd they keep their boots on?

Alan

Rattlesnakes. [to Jake]: Uh, anyway, um, in order to... to, to warn, uh, people who were swimming that, you know, a-- a naked... cowboy was, uh, on his way, he would yell, or, uh, or, if you will, uh, call, uh, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the "booty call".

Kandi

Wow. Alan, you really make history fun.

Alan

Well, thank you.

Kandi

So when did it start meaning casual sex?

Charlie

Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice; does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, now fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass.

Alan

What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous twenty-two year old woman I'm having sex with."

Charlie

Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it! You just want them to know where yours has been. Oh, yeah, one more thing.

Alan

Yeah?

Charlie

"Booty! Booty!"

Alan

Sorry we're late, but... I was having sex with this gorgeous twenty-two-year-old woman!

Charlie

Wait, wait-wait-wait-wait... [grabs a camcorder] OK, come in and say that again!

Alan

Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?

Jake

I was tired!

Alan

OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?

Jake

In your medicine cabinet.

Alan

I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.

Jake

Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.

Charlie

Oooh.

Judith

What's going on? I don't understand.

Berta

The kid's gonna need another party hat.

Charlie

With his [Jake's] grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.

Alan

Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?

Charlie

No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.

Evelyn

Charlie, I need a favor.

Charlie

Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, and there's a long waiting list for both.

Evelyn

This event isn't televised, is it?

Charlie

No.

Evelyn

Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards.

Charlie

[hands his keys to Alan] Congratulations, you've just been elected tonight's designated driver.

Alan

Come on, just ignore her.

Charlie

Ignore her? It'd be easier to ignore blood in my urine!

And now, before we present the Jingle of the Year award, we have a special treat.

Charlie

Please tell me they're gonna pass out guns.

Charlie

Enough!

Alan

C'mon, it's catchy.

Charlie

So is diphtheria.

Jake

How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?

Charlie

'Cause I don't.

Jake

In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.

Charlie

Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life. In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness, and death.

Alan

Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?

Charlie

Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.

Kandi

Alan, should I try it [starting her car] again?

Alan

Uh, no, I'm gonna call Triple-A.

Kandi

Good, no sense drinking over this.

Charlie

You must be so proud.

Alan

Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's... street-smart.

Charlie

Sesame Street-smart.