Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

You know why I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client and forget to report it, which I do. It was because no one at the IRS could believe I was paying as much alimony as I claimed! It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a schmuck!

Charlie

Oh, boo-hoo. You want a real fun time? Try finding an extra-small Ben Franklin costume at 9:00 in the morning.

Alan

Oh, right! The play, uh, how was it?

Charlie

Boffo. A smash. Among the highlights were a twelve-year-old Chinese George Washington with a powdered wig and a snot bubble, and your kid in a bald cap and granny glasses holding a Tweety Bird kite and announcing he's discovered "elasticity".

Jake

I just want to go home, I'm cold and I'm wet.

Charlie

And if you kick the back of my seat again with those dirty cleats, you're going to be colder and wetter.

Charlie

Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something!

Alan

Really? You want my help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it... "urban voodoo"?

Charlie

I need someone who can give me drugs!

Berta

I'm not holding, but I can make a couple of calls.

Alan

Drugs just mask the problem.

Charlie

Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it and let it fight crime!

Alan

If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.

Charlie

Well, I don't agree.

Alan

It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!

Charlie

Oh, I agree with gravity.

Alan

Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites.

Charlie

So you think I have a shot with that doctor or what?

Alan

It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.

Jake

Dad?

Alan

Yeah?

Jake

Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]

Charlie

Well, Alan, do you?

Alan

Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?

Jake

Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?

Alan

Right.

Jake

And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.

Alan

Did you ever try any of those [erectile dysfunction] drugs?

Charlie

Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.

Alan

What did you think?

Charlie

It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?

Alan

Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer.

Alan

And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.

Charlie

Who's gonna believe you're the husband?

Alan

Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.

Charlie

You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?

Charlie

So, how you getting to the restaurant?

Alan

Sherri's picking me up.

Charlie

Ah! Very convenient.

Alan

Why? Because she's been here before? Because she's been here with you? Because you've had sex with her in every room in the house?

Charlie

No, because you can't drive. But it's interesting to see how your mind works.

Alan

She [Sherri] invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.

Charlie

With who?

Alan

With me.

Charlie

With you. Hang on a second. [looks at the newspaper] Nope, no snowballs reported in Hell... no sightings of flying pigs...

Charlie

When you're making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.

Alan

What do you think of?

Charlie

You.

Charlie

You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.

Alan

We don't know that.

Alan

[Having an argument with Charlie] No no, Charlie, you see, to know what goes on inside my head, you would have to be familiar with the world that exists, beyond the tip of your penis.

Charlie

Don't talk about my penis, you have not earned the right.

Charlie

Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse.

Alan

Excuse me?

Charlie

You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!