Mr. Burns quotes from The Simpsons

This plant violates every labor law in the book! We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core!

Mr. Burns

That plane crashed on my property!

Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.

Mr. Burns

Well we'll just see about that! [uncovers a cage hold several winged monkeys] Fly, my pretties! Fly! [the monkeys leap out of the window, only to plummet to their deaths] Oh...[to Smithers] Continue the research.

Mr. Burns

Thank you for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.

It was fun.

We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.

Yes well, I'm sure I left them in the car. [thinking] No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords.

I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.

Mr. Burns

Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

Lisa

[to Bart] And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.

Homer

[breaking a lamp] D'oh!

Bart

Ay, caramba!

Marge

[groans]

Maggie

[sucks her pacifier]

Flanders

Hi-dilly-ho!

Barney

[belches]

Ha, ha!

Mr. Burns

Excellent.

Lisa

If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room. [She walks away.]

Homer

What kind of catchphrase is that?

Mr. Burns

Hello, Smithers. You're. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On.

Uh, you probably should ignore that.

Mr. Burns

Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because... I crippled him myself to inspire you.

I hope they win or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

I got a mink chamois, sir. I hope it-- [gasp] Oh, my God, Mr. Burns is dead! Aw! Why do the good always die so young?

Mr. Burns

[emerges, strangles Smithers] You almost killed me!

Please, sir... [places towel on Burns' shoulders] you'll catch..cold.

I have nothing to offer you but my love.

Mr. Burns

I specifically said no geeks!

[dejected] But my mom says I'm cool...

Mr. Burns

Next!

Give me your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!

Mr. Burns

Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.

Martin Prince

[Singing] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley! Ring, ring, ring went the bell! Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings--

Mr. Burns

Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.

Lisa

[clears throat] I propose to you that your heir not need be a boy. In this phallocentric society of ours -

Mr Burns

I don't know what 'phallocentric' means, but no girls!

[offstage, in a dress and wig] So much for Plan B.

Mr. Burns

Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

I think it is a rock, sir.

Mr. Burns

We'll see what the lab has to say about that.

Mr. Burns

Heh heh, look, Smithers -- a creature of pure malevolence. He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teat. [opens window] You there, boy! What day is this?

[with an exaggerated Cockney accent] Today, sir? Why, it's Christmas Day!

Mr. Burns

I was talking to him. [points at Bart] You! What day is this?

Bart

Huh?

Mr. Burns

I'll tell you what day this is: today is the day you become my heir!

Mr. Burns

Ooh, I like him a lot.

Mr. Burns

People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "Boh", he says... [Flips through a script to he gets to a page.] Doh!

Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment like Rain Man or Awakenings. I mean, what the hell am I doing here?

And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown.

[Takes off his mask and smokes his cigar] Hey, you know we are getting into Golden Time.

Mr. Burns

Yes well just get it right, or you'll be back doing Come Blow Your Horn at the Westport Dinner Theatre.

Oh, Monty, I swear you're the devil himself.

Mr. Burns

I...Who told you?! ...Oh, ah, yes.

Mr. Burns

I specifically requested no romantic music! What…?

[stops playing organ, trying to pounds the window] Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier! [Glass breaks, he falls to the church floor, saved Jacqueline] Mrs. Bouvier!

Homer

Oh, I hope I haven't upset you... bongo-head!

Mr. Burns

Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

Carl

Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer!

He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.