Mr. Burns quotes from The Simpsons

Mr. Burns

Get me Steven Spielberg!

He's unavailable.

Mr. Burns

Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent! [shortly afterwards...] Listen, Señor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.

Er, Schindler es bueno, Señor Burns es el diablo.

Mr Burns

Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit. Now get out there and win me that festival!

And the Oscar goes to...

Mr. Burns

I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.

...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".

[doubling over] Aargh! My groin.

Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.

Mr. Burns

Yes...but not completely full. For you see...

Kill two for matching clogs

Mr. Burns

See my vest... see my vest

I gathered, yeah.

Mr. Burns

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out.

[horrified] Good God!

Mr. Burns

Imagine it, Smithers: electrical lights and heaters running all day long.

But sir, every plant and tree will die. Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting. The town's sundial will be useless. I don't want any part of this project, it's unconscionably fiendish.

Mr. Burns

[gasps] I will not suffer this insubordination. There has been a shocking decline in the quantity and quality of your toadying, Waylon - and you will fall into line. Now!

...No. No Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity.

Mr. Burns

I'll do no such thing! You're fired!

Mr. Burns

Take that, Bowl-A-Rama! Take that, convenience mart! Take that, Nuclear Power Pl... Oh, fiddlesticks.

Homer

Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you! ...before.

Mr. Burns

[unaware] Shot? By you, my primitive friend, I'm afraid not. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to correctly operate a firearm. The one who shot me was...[scans the crowd; screams] MAGGIE SIMPSON!

Mr. Burns

Officers, arrest the baby!

Chief Wiggum

Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is gonna convict a baby... maybe Texas.

Homer

It's just a little dirty, it's still good, it's still good!

Homer

It's just a little slimy, it's still good, it's still good!

Homer

It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good!

Bart

It's gone.

Homer

I know.

Mr. Burns

You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly!

Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?

Mr. Burns

No, I'd still prefer not.

Mr. Burns

Homer, your quick-thinking and bravery have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!

Lisa

I think it's ironic that Dad's girth saved the day, while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.

Bart

And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga-

Marge

Bart!

Mr. Burns

Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know. [Homer looks at his family, and realizes his obesity is making life hard for them]

Homer

Can you please make me thin again?

Mr. Burns

I guarantee it.

Mr. Burns

1. 1. 1! [throws down his megaphone in frustration] Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction.

Homer

Woo-hoo!

Mr. Burns

Smithers, who was that corpse?

Homer Simpson, sir. [tearfully] One of the finest, bravest men to ever grace Sector 7-G... [calmly] I'll cross him off the list.

Troy McClure

[voiceover] A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr. Burns. In this very special outtake, Homer attempts a reconciliation with his estranged son. Watch.

Homer

Bart, you're coming home!

Bart

I wanna stay here with Mr. Burns!

Mr. Burns

[threateningly] I suggest you leave immediately.

Homer

Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead: Do your worst!

Mr. Burns

"My worst," eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!

Come on, big boys! Shake the butter off those buns!

Come on, come on, now. Shake, shake, shake. [continues dancing]

Mr. Burns

Smithers, he's out of control!

I'll take him out, sir. [extracts his shotgun from his jacket pocket and shoots the robot square in the eye; the blown out eye reforms and the robot continues dancing, only this time, the music is warped and the robot begins shaking violently]

His ass is gonna blow!

Lisa

And, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S, Waylon Smithers.

Mr. Burns

Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I am giving you a 5% pay cut.

Aww!

Troy McClure

But, of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence [chuckles] and that would be downright nutty! [The camera shows two photos of the Simpson family, one from an early Tracy Ullman short, the other from a mid-1990s episode] Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hardcore nudity!

Mr. Burns

I would like to join your bowling team.

Homer

You want to join my what?

You want to what his team?

Mr. Burns

Smithers, who is that lavatory linksman?

Homer Simpson, sir. From Sector 7-G.

Mr. Burns

Simpson, eh? Well, invite him to the country club. I believe I finally may have a challenge in golf. I have not lost a game since I let Richard Nixon win during his beleaguered second term.

That was very thoughtful of you, sir.

Mr. Burns

Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his [imitating Nixon] "Ohhh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!" [normal voice] Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is of any relation?

Unlikely sir, as they spell and pronounce their names differently.

Mr. Burns

Use an open faced club. A sand wedge.

Homer

Mmm, open faced club sandwich.