Scenes with Mr. Burns 108
[at Mr. Burns' desk] Uh, Mr. Burns? I need to borrow some money.
Mr. BurnsOh, please. Do go on. [about to press security button under desk]
I know you're a good man, [Burns pauses, takes hand away from button] but I have a dog that's very sick. [Burns presses button repeatedly]
Mr. Burns
[acting innocently] Oh, please. Continue.
I thought maybe you- [notices security guards] Oh. [being dragged out of Burns' office] Well, thanks for your time.
Mr. Burns
What makes a man endanger his job and... yes, even his life, by asking me for money?
People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns
Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
[pause] If you did it, Sir?
Mr. Burns
Exactly! You'd be fit to be tied! Dogs! [scoffs]
Mr. Burns
Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office, right next to mine. [laughs]
But sir, that's my office.
Mr. Burns
Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.
[In the men's restroom, Smithers is cleaning the urinals with a toothbrush.]
Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?
[bursts in and unzips his fly.] Aw man, I really gotta...
[Mr. Burns and Smithers watch Homer tear up the union contract on a hidden camera]
Mr. Burns
Who is that firebrand, Smithers?
That's Homer Simpson, sir.
Mr. Burns
Simpson, eh? New man?
Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns
...Eh, doesn't ring a bell.
Mr. Burns
We don't have to be adversaries, Homer! We both want a fair union contract!
[internally] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns
And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!
Wait a minute... is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns
I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
My God, he is coming onto me!
Mr. Burns
After all... negotiations make strange bedfellows! [chuckles, clicks his tongue and winks]
[gets up] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered – maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!
Mr. Burns
[bursts thru the ward] This man is costing my health plan $5000 a day! I demand that Joe die with dignity. [he plugs the plug]
Now, look, I'm the doctor here.
Mr. Burns
Well, I demand a second opinion.
AAll
Hi, Dr. Nick! [Nick pokes Homer's abdomen with a reflex hammer]
Oh dear, I see no signs of life. Just to be safe, we better pull the plug.
Mr. Burns
Yoink!
[Homer is sitting in a nuclear inspection van]
MNMale NRC agent
Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station.
MNMale NRC agent
Now, we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight.
What the hell are you talking about?
[The agents slam the door of the van shut, and slide open a peephole to watch Homer]
[blubbering] What do I do? What do I do? In the name of God, you've gotta tell me!
MNMale NRC agent
Relax! It's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong.
[to himself] Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go.
[Homer shields his eyes and pushes random buttons, inexplicably causing a meltdown]
MNMale NRC agent
No, no! This... can't be happening!
[Smithers and Mr. Burns run to an escape pod. Burns seals the door; Smithers desperately pounds on it]
For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!
Mr Burns
[reopens the door] I like to put my feet up.
[Homer emerges from the crater, glowing a radioactive green.]
Raargh! Must... destroy... mankind! [his watch beeps] Ooh, lunchtime. [Homer shakes off the radiation and walks off]
MNMale NRC agent
I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!
Mr. Burns
Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.
MNMale NRC agent
The box, the box!
FNFemale NRC agent
Look, Burns, this is a big problem. You can't just throw money at it and make it go away.
[Mayor Quimby appears, wearing a fur coat that still has the $5,000 price tag attached to it.]
Gentlemen, I've decided there will be, uh, no investigation. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go away. [departs]
MNMale NRC agent
You're in big trouble, Burns. Homer Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. Now you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action.
Mr. Burns
Is that so? Well, I have a feeling you'll be... dropping the charges.
[Burns presses a button on his desk. A trapdoor opens a few feet behind the NRC agents, who stare at it in confusion.]
The painters moved your desk, sir.
Mr. Burns
Ah, yes.
Mr. Burns
You [Homer] must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.
Actually sir we found the Jade Monkey; it was in your glove compartment.
Mr. Burns
And the road maps and ice scraper?
They were in there too sir.
Mr. Burns
Excellent, it's all falling into place.
Mr. Burns
Bobo? Oh I meant Lobo, uh, Sheriff Lobo. They never should have cancelled that show. What were they thinking?
Oh, I see. On another topic, the preparations for your birthday have begun.
Mr. Burns
I won't get what I really want.
[Smithers briefly imagines Burns popping out of a cake naked and wearing only a sash like Marilyn Monroe]
FBFantasy Mr. Burns
[singing] Happy Birthday, Mr. Smithers...
[At the Simpsons' house, Homer is tossing and turning in his sleep]
Lobo...Lobo... Bring back Sheriff Lobo!
[Homer is doing comedy at Burns' party.]
MIMan in Audience
Ugh, that poor dog.
I said, are you ready to laugh?!
WIWoman in Audience
Quiet, you awful man!
You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap--
Mr. Burns
What?
Er, I mean you know, Mr. Burns is so old--
Mr. Burns
[pounds the table] How dare you!
Whoa! Tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns... [clears throat] Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find, a little "cheeky".
[Homer moons the crowd, revealing a face painted on his buttocks; everyone in the audience gasps]
[mockingly] I'm Mr. Burns, blah, blah, blah! Do this, do that, blah, blah, blah! I think I'm so big, blah blah blaaah!
Mr. Burns
Destroy him. [one of Burns' security staff whacks Homer over the head with a baton, leaving him unconscious] This party is over. [the security staff start attacking other party guests at random]
[Smithers and Mr. Burns are crawling across the ceiling of the Simpson home, using suction cups. They freeze when Homer walks to the refrigerator]
Mmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. [sits at the table and begins eating one at a time] 64...63...[Time passes to morning] 2...1.
[entering] Have you been up all night eating cheese?
[Smithers and Mr. Burns fall the the floor and get up]
Mr. Burns
Good day to you.
[They both leave]
[The Simpsons arrive at Mr. Burns' castle. Homer rings the doorbell.]
Mr. Burns
[via intercom] Welcome, come in. [sinisterly, still heard on intercom] Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.
Sir, you have to let go of the button.
Mr. Burns
Oh, son of a bi-- [door opens]
[The Simpsons arrive at Mr. Burns's crypt. Homer opens his casket and is ready to stake him.]
Take that, vile fiend! [starts staking Burns repeatedly]
Uh, dad? That's his crotch.
Oh.. sorry. [puts stake to his heart] BAH!!
Mr. Burns
[screams]
[He quivers then stops and melts into mold]
Mr. Burns
[comes back to life] YOU'RE FIRED!!! [melts into mold and dies again]
Mr. Burns
And I'm really enjoying this so called... iced cream!
Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, I'd just like to say that.... I... love you.
In those colors! [to himself] Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time!
[Charlie is explaining to Mr., Burns about the gas leak]
CCharlie
Well, sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit.
Mr. Burns
Why, that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? [hands Smithers a notebook] Smithers, throw this at him. [Smithers throws the book at Charlie. Mr. Burns right hand reaches under his desk and presses a button. A tube covers Charlie and sucks him upwards] Smithers, where does that tube go?
I'm not sure, sir; it was here when we moved in.
[Charlie then finds himself in an unnamed foreign country inhabited by cackling men wearing turbans. He is forced to dance to sitar music.]
MMen
Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! [Charlie does so. The men start ululating maniacally]
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
