Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

SIMPSON, what in the blue blazes are you doing to my hop-scotching grids?

Lisa

[a bit worried] I made them into a crossword.

Oh, well ha ha, I'm a bit of a puzzlehead myself. They help me wind down after a day of dealing with SKINNER!!

Skinner

[Appears in the school window.] You called?

Made a reference.

Skinner

My mistake. [Disappears back in the window.]

S20 Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words

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Lisa

Dad, all the bees are dying.

Oohh no more bees! Now who'll sting me and walk over my sandwiches?

Lisa

But without bees there would be no flowers.

[scoffs] Flowers: The painted whores of the plant world.

S20 The Burns and the Bees

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Lisa

Hey Mom, can Juliet sleepover?

Are your parents okay with that? They've never met us.

We could be murderers.

Could have been, if we hadn't had kids.

S20 Lisa the Drama Queen

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Lisa

You can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'll... I'll disobey!

I'm Bart Simpson's mother, do you think you've got any tricks I haven't seen. [Leaves the room.]

[Lisa climbs out the window and slides down the tree only to land in a laundry basket being held by Marge.]

Bart Simpson: Age 3. [Marge takes the laundry basket with Lisa back inside.]

[Comes out of a hidden door in the tree dressed in black.] Bart Simpson: Age 10. Mhwahahahaha!

S20 Lisa the Drama Queen

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Lisa, like Captain Kirk I'm not supposed to interfere but like T.J. Hooker I say what is on my mind. If you don't know the answer, just guess.

Lisa

This test penalizes guessing.

It does? Alright NOBODY GUESS! Just be right! Get down on your knees, pray to your God, and ask him, no, DEMAND he tell you the answer and if he won't, he is no God of yours!

S20 How the Test Was Won

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MSMother Superior

Are you a bit of a Doubting Thomas?

Lisa

More of a Curious George.

MSMother Superior

Well, little monkey, you should spend some time with the man in the yellow hat.

[Cut to Lisa in front of a picture of Jesus with a halo that looks like a hat.]

S20 Gone Maggie Gone

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So if you weren't married, does that mean I'm a bastard?

Lisa

You were born when they were married, so in the literal sense, no. But in the sense of someone being angry at you, yes.

It's not a big deal. We'll just go to City Hall and get married there.

Lisa

[to Homer and Marge] I think it's romantic: you can pretend you're newlyweds, starting a life together!

Yeah, instead of exhausted zombies running down the clock!

[turns red in anger] Why you little bastard! [Grabs Bart and starts strangling him.]

Lisa

That's the angry one!

[chokingly] Uh-huh!

S20 Wedding for Disaster

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[At the Simpsons' house, Homer is sleeping on the couch; his stomach is rumbling.]

What's wrong, old friend? Can't sleep? [his stomach continues rumbling] Aww. Would some warm beer settle you down? [his stomach continues rumbling] Uh-oh. [gets up and runs off] Those barley burgers were tainted! Why did I eat twelve of them?! Why?! [runs to a bathroom door, only to find Marge using it]

Taken!

[Homer shuts the bathroom door, and runs upstairs to another bathroom door, only to find Bart using it.]

Occupied!

[Homer runs to another bathroom door, only to find Lisa using it.]

Lisa

Hurling!

[Homer runs, looks both ways, runs into Lisa's bedroom, and vomits into her saxophone; his mouth gets stuck trying to get it out.]

Uh-oh!

S20 Coming to Homerica

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Homie, I don't think we should build a fence. Haven't we always taught the children to make friends with those who are a little different?

Lisa

Yes!

Yeah!

Ja! [Marge gasps.]

Ja! Ja!

[in a tense voice] Now do you see Marge? [grasping Maggie] Now do you see why we must build that fence?

BUILD IT, HOMIE! MAKE IT AS TALL AS THE SKY AND DEEPER THAN HELL!

Maggie

Ja! Ja!

S20 Coming to Homerica

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Lisa

This goes against every feminist bone in my body, but Dad, can't you control your woman?

How can I control her? I have nothing to withhold.

S21 The Great Wife Hope

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Lisa

[sees a decapitated head of Mrs. Hoover] You killed her?

Right, like we agreed.

Lisa

I never said "kill"!

Yeah, 'cause you're smart. You don't say "kill," you say "prank." Like Mom and Dad say "snuggle" when what they really mean is "let's lock the door and hug."

Lisa

Well, I didn't kill Mrs. Krabappel!

So, all you did was ring her doorbell and run?

Lisa

Yeah, "ding dong ditch".

"Ding dong ditch" means you kill her. Then you throw that ding dong into a ditch.

S21 Treehouse of Horror XX

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We now see Kent Brockman outside Burger Squared

Kent Brockman

I'm here at Krustyburger for the launch of the highly anticipated "Burger Squared." Krusty, what can you tell us about this fantastic new sandwich?

Krusty

I'm glad you asked, Kent. We start with Grade A beef, feed that to other cows, then kill them and serve the unholy results on a seven-grain bun. Burger Squared!

The math checks out!

Lisa

Cows eating cows?! That's an abomination!

Now, Lisa, you're a vegetarian, but these cows have made a different choice.

Kent Brockman

And now, this lucky reporter will be the first human to sample this delicious crime against nature. Mmm. Juicy, flavorful, with just a hint of... [changes into a Muncher and takes a bite out of Krusty's elbow]

Krusty

Hey! That's my check-cashing arm, you stupid... [Krusty also becomes a Muncher. Kent kills a camera technician and then kills the camera man]

S21 Treehouse of Horror XX

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[Gasps] Bart ate a tainted burger!

I'll bash him with this book!

Lisa

Dad, No! That's the last book in the world!