Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.

Lisa

Dad, all you circled were the I's and A's.

Homer

Those are words.

Bart

Dad, you were great!

Lisa

And you contributed to our culture!

Homer

[worried] Well, I didn't mean to.

Lisa

No, no, it's a good thing.

Homer

Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.

Lisa

The dance isn't 'til next week.

Homer

Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.

Lisa

There must be a website that can help you deal with a clingy baby.

Marge

Oh, I don’t want to bother the internet with my problem.

Bart

Aw, come on, Mom. We’ll help you surf.

Bart

Click that one, Mom.

Lisa

No, go up.

Bart

Keep going--up, up, up!

Lisa

The blue ones are ads.

Bart

That’s the toolbar.

Lisa

No you’ve opened Word; close it!

Bart

Close it. Do-don’t save it!

Lisa

Stop clicking.

Bart

Don’t go there!

Lisa

Why are you buying a freezer?!

Bart

Don’t click the cart or you’ve bought it!

Lisa

Aw, you clicked the cart!

Marge

[Upset] If you’re so smart, you do it!

Marge

[Groans]

Marge

That's funny. There's nobody here.

Homer

More ribs for me!

Bart

There are no tables or chairs.

Homer

More ribs for me!

Lisa

And there's no sign of an oven, kitchen or food anywhere.

Homer

[uneasy] More ribs for me?

Hello, Simpsons! [laughs evilly]

Homer

Finally, some service. Now listen, we want to sit under a cool state license plate; Michigan or better!

[Sideshow Bob's actual voice] Silence! You've all stumbled into my ingenious trap.

Lisa

That voice...[groans] I knew that commercial was a trick, specifically designed to lure our family here, and Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts is actually an anagram!

Welcome to "Sideshow Bob's World Famous Family Style Return!" [rearranges the letters, then tears off his cowboy hat, wig and false moustache to reveal his true identity as Sideshow Bob]

AH! Sideshow Bob!

Sideshow Bob

Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on! [He turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally.] This time, I've made no mistakes. [leaves]

Lisa

Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly."

Sideshow Bob

Yes, I'm sure you've studied the Immortal Bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover". [Leaves and shuts the door.]

Lisa

Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up.

Sideshow Bob

[re-entering] I shall! [He takes the laptop.] Come on, Wikipedia, load, you unwieldy behemoth! [The laptop explodes.] Oh, dear, Sideshow Bob, "Hoist on his own petard".

Lisa

It's "hoist with his own petard".

Sideshow Bob

Oh, get a life.

Homer

Yet another new restaurant fails.

Lisa

Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss!

Homer

Now who was it with?

Bart

Uh...Apu.

Homer

Right!

Dr. Hibbert

To raise the money, we'll need a bond issue.

Lisa

But won't that shift a burden to your children?

Bart

No, you idiot. We just pay with another bond issue. [points to Maggie] Let her figure out someone to dump it on.

Lisa

Ralph can't be President! He's the dumbest person in the slowest reading group!

Homer

Lisa, being President is easy! You just point the Army and shoot!

Lisa

And Ralph is only eight years old! It says in the Constitution you have to be 35!

Bart

The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the PATRIOT Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.

Homer

[mockingly] Ooh, the PATRIOT Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out! What's next, finding out what operas I go to? [High-fives Bart.]

Lisa

Mom, I didn't know you went to college.

Bart

Yeah. You've always said that after high school, Dad "blessed" you with the unplanned miracle of me.

Marge

Hey, parents are allowed to keep some secrets.

Homer

Like which kid's their favorite. [whispering] It's Lisa.

Bart

Mom, why did you stop talking for two and a half minutes?

Lisa

It seemed like twenty.

Bart

Yeah, nothing's up, nothing's down, except for Martin, who died.

Lisa

Idiot! [slaps Bart]

Bart

D'oh!

Lisa

Bart, Martin could be seriously hurt or worse! We have to do something!

Bart

You're right. Let's watch TV.

Homer

I can't believe you were smoking! Do you know that sturgeon general says you're not supposed to?

Lisa

A sturgeon is a fish.

Homer

And a very wise fish he is.

Homer

[turns red in anger] You stupid kid! What if I walked in here barefoot?

Bart

You did, Dad.

Lisa

[off-screen] Happy birthday, Mom.

Marge

[groans sadly] Thank you, dear.

Lisa

[seeing what her parents are up to] Tracking software? [gasps] You're spying on Bart!

Marge

Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong. It shows you care.

[Listening to Marge via his own bugging device in the basement] That's right my beautiful, beautiful Midge. [Laughs] Soon, you'll be mine.

[observing Moe via spy camera] Keep talking, creepo.

Every word buys you a year in the slammer.