Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

That's it, boy! Go for the 'nards!

Lisa

Bart! [snatches Larry away] If you're not gonna take care of him right, then give him to me.

Bart

How come you don't get mad when I torment real animals?

Lisa

I do! It enrages me!

Bart

I thought you Hindus were supposed to love everybody.

Lisa

I'M A FREAKIN' BUDDHIST! A BUDDHIST! [kicks the side table]

Lisa

What is this, tough love?

Bart

It's a little more like "soft hate".

Lisa

You would mess up Mom and Dad's marriage just to get out of doing some homework?

Bart

Hey, hey! I would end all life on this planet just to get out of doing fractions!

Lisa

Fractions aren't that hard. You just have to find a common denominator. For example, one half plus one third equals three--

Bart

END! ALL! LIFE! ON! THIS! PLANET! [makes explosion noise and leaves]

Lisa

You'll need to know fractions to make that explosion!

Bart

[from offscreen] I don't care!

Lisa

You are now officially a sociopath.

Bart

Hey, at least I'm on a path.

Lisa

[about Flanders] I think he's trying to get Dad into Heaven.

Bart

Great, more Hell for me!

Krusty

I am trying to save myself from going to Hell.

Lisa

Jews don't believe in Hell.

Krusty

No Hell! Thank you, kid, you made my day.[heads over to the Gaza Strip Club]

Bart

I am so glad I'm not your kid.

Lisa

Well I'm so glad I'm not your mom.

Bart

You should be. If I was in your tummy, I'd poo in your throat.

Lisa

Eww, eww, eww! I'll never get that image out of my head!

Homer

Lisa, bring the car around.

Lisa

But I don't know how to drive.

Homer

Haven't you learned anything from watching Bart drive?

Lisa

A little...

Lisa

Those baby whales are doomed, just like their mom! Oh, I guess it's just nature's way...

Homer

[pulling up in a motorboat] Nature is a toothless, dying hag! We're gonna save those whale babies!

Lisa

Thanks for not letting me give up, Dad.

Homer

Hey, I'd do anything for a sweet, intelligent mammal. By which I mean you. [hugs her]

What if someone's driving an old, but functioning, car? Wouldn't the carbon required to create a new hybrid exceed the savings in gas?

Lisa

Initially yes, but...

And isn't most electricity in the United States ultimately derived from the burning of coal?

Lisa

Currently. However, solar and wind are...

Lisa

Mr. Flanders, how did you make these amazing fish?

Ned Flanders

Actually, God made some fish that were pretty close to these so naturally we selected those for further breeding.

Lisa

So that natural selection was the origin of this species?

Flanders

Yep, that's exactly--[laughs] You almost got me.

Flanders

Not on my watch [pushes it back into water]

Lisa

I finally found a place I belong.

Marge

Your week's up! Time to go home.

Homer

[gasps] It can't be Saturday already! [checks camera] Monday was orientation. Tuesday, we did mime. Wednesday, we did Mame. Thursday, we got attacked by bees. Friday morning, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Elaine Stritch helped us make wallets. Friday evening, we performed Angels in America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes. Part 1: Millennium Approaches. Part 2...

Marge

Perestroika?

Lisa

That's right! Strike the set, pizza party, Sunday morning and then-- [gasps] Nooooo!

Homer

Goodbye, Lisa! I'll miss you a lot! Then a little! Then not too much!

Bart

Fine, you can be our coach.

Lisa

Thanks. You can be the free safety.

Bart

Wrong sport.

Lisa

I mean, the point guard.

Bart

Also wrong.

Lisa

I'm gonna do a little research.

Bart

A little is not gonna be enough, honey pie.

Lisa

Don't call me "honey pie".

Bart

You got it, tootsie pop.

Lisa

[grunts]

Get a room, you two.

Lisa

We're brother and sister.

So are my parents, I think.

Lisa

Bart, this guy has walked the last two batters, and if he walks you, we win the game. Don't swing at anything.

Bart

But I'm on a hot streak!

Lisa

Hot streaks are a statistical illusion!

Bart

I wish you were a statistical illusion.

Lisa

Well, there's a 97% chance I'm not, so do what I say!