Scenes with Marge Simpson 593
I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
[conga beat while Lisa folds her arms] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/
BHBart and Homer
[doing the conga] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/
Marge[joins her husband and son] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad...
Marge
I don't mean to take sides. I just got caught up in the rhythm.
[Lisa is using the riding lawnmower to push the barbecue pig out of the yard.]
Marge
Bart, no!
[standing next to her] What?
Marge
Sorry, force of habit. Lisa, no!
Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge
[sighs] Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?
Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge
Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge
Homer, you're not-not talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Why don't you just eat him, Dad?
[turns red in anger and gets frustrated] I don't need any serving suggestions from you! You barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
[enraged] THAT'S IT! I CAN'T LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH THIS PREHISTORIC CARNIVORE. I AM OUT OF HERE!
[Lisa furiously leaves the house and angrily slams the door]
THAT'S IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Marge
Homer! Where did you get that?
Marge
That giant donut.
Well, I acquired it legally. You can be sure of that.
[after Lard Lad continues destroying the town] Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?
Marge
[thinks to herself] Sometimes...
Hey, Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of...Monster-itis? Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!
PAPaul Anka
[singing] To stop these monsters 1-2-3, Here's a fresh new way that's trouble free, It's got Paul Anka's guarantee...
[singing] Guarantee void in Tennessee.
PAPaul Anka and Lisa
[singing] Just don't look! Just don't look! [people turn away: the monsters turn to look] Just don't look! Just don't look! [more people turn away] Just don’t look! Just don’t look! [the monsters try to destroy things faster, but start collapsing. Paul Bunyon falls on the Springfield General Hospital, his ox Babe destroys the birthplace of Jebediah Springfield, and a flying magic carpet destroys the birthplace of Norman Vincent Peale.]
It worked! They're all dead.
Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there.
[everyone turns and gasps and Lard Lad tempts Homer with the giant donut]
Marge
Homer! Stop looking.
Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad. [they drag him away]
[Lard Lad collapses, he falls, his donut rolls away. Kodos and Kang, meanwhile, are trying to hitch a ride in the middle of the desert with a sign saying "Earth Capital"]
Remember the story: we're newlyweds on our way to Earth Capital. [the donut rolls by as Kang smiles] Oh, Shazbot.
Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town! Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!
Marge
[voice over] It all started on the 13th hour, of the 13th day, of the 13th month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.
[shivering, looking at the calendar] Oh, lousy Smarch weather. [spies the thermostat with a note from Willy over it and reads it] "Do not touch. Willie." Good advice! [cranks it]
[In echo voice] Hello? Can anybody hear me?
Marge
Homer, where are you?
Uh... I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am!
Marge
Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again.
Just a second! ... No, it's a place I've never been before!
Heh, the shower! [Patty and Selma laugh]
Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there?
Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Marge
No.
Yes. I no. I mean, no. No.
[Frink draws a strange diagram on the wall]
Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, n'gee, that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... [lights off] the third di-mension.
[switches the light on] Sorry.
[draws a square on the chalkboard] Here is an ordinary square.
Whoa, whoa! Slow down, egghead.
But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there.
This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer, n-gl'hey, n'hey.
[in echo voice] Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on?
Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.
Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake. We need action!
[Wiggum takes out his gun and fires into the wall]
Take that, you lousy dimension!
[in echo's voice, disembodied] Help! I don't have much time.
That does it! I'm going in!
Marge
Bart! No!!
[Bart runs into the dimension, but Marge catches him and fails. He keeps running until he turns 3D too and looks around]
[the camera rotates and zooms out into a bird's-eye view of the green grid, Homer is nearing the edge of the green grid]
Oh, my God! I'm gonna be sucked into a black hole! I'm gonna be sucked into oblivion! And what's gonna become of me of the other side? I don't know!
[Bart climbs onto the XYZ street sign]
I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump!
[runs into a hole, breaks into pieces]
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap--
[the world exploses as Bart gets pulled back]
Marge
Bart! What happened?
Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But dad seemed cautiously optimistic!
[in echo's voice] Craaaap!
Marge
Oh, Homie.
Be strong, Marge. I'm sure he's gone to a better place.
Homer, your quick-thinking and bravery have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!
I think it's ironic that Dad's girth saved the day, while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga-
Marge
Bart!
[Deleted scene from Treehouse of Horror IV.]
I'd sell my soul for a Formula 1 racing car.
[Devil Flanders appears with a Formula 1 racing car.]
DFDevil Flanders
Heh, heh, heh, that can be arranged.
[Devil Flanders vanishes.]
Marge
Bart, stop pestering Satan!
Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell!
Marge
BART!
Young man, in this house we use a little word called "please".
Marge
What's the matter with your face? Is that a fake nose? Are you wearing chin putty?
I don't have to listen of these wild allegations! [nose putty falls off and lands near Santa's Little Helper. He eats it]
Marge
[removes the chin putty and hat off Bart] Please, Bart, no more pranks. It would mean so much to me if we could have just one nice family photo.
[She shows Bart three of their last Christmas photos with his previous misbehaviors: one with Bart making a cross-eyed funny face, another with Bart using a comb to simulate a Hitler mustache, and a third with Bart holding a cardboard speech bubble that reads, "I stink!" next to Homer.]
Hey, I don't remember saying that!
[Marge exits the bathroom and joins Homer who's wearing half-moon glasses. He has found a proper punishment for Bart, while she is still distraught by his shoplifting at Try 'n' Save.]
I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.
Marge
I always thought I understood my special little guy, but somewhere along the road, his hand slipped away from mine.
[looks at a handprint of "Bart, age 4"]
Ehh, what are you going to do?
[Marge looks over Homer's notepad, which reveals a drawing of a robot cooking a hot dog over a flaming trash can. Still, she is depressed over the whole shoplifting episode.]
Marge
[pause] Mmm. He's not my little baby anymore. Maybe I mother him too much.
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
