A character in The Simpsons
Played by Julie Kavner
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in The Simpsons: in 677 of its 3,477 quotes
Most scenes with: Homer Simpson (400), Bart Simpson (206), Lisa Simpson (169)
[Homer is staring at a bowling ball, trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley]
Of course!
[Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming]
Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!
[in the present] Mom, make Dad tell the story right!
MargeThat's what really happened.
Oh.
[As the family leaves the compound, they pass a sign reading "You are now entering Australia".]
Hey, G.I. Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.
Actually, Sir, the embassy is considered American soil, Sir.
Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia. [hops over the line] Now I'm in America. Australia! America!
I get it, Dad.
Australia! America!
MargeHomer, that's enough.
Australia! America!
[The Marine decks Homer, knocking him down.]
Here in America, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!
[in a bar]
Ooh! Give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about. [the bartender lifts a can of Foster's the size of a half keg in front of him]
Something wrong, Yank?
[disappointed] Noo... It's pretty big, I guess.
MargeI'll just have a cup of coffee.
Beer it is.
MargeNo, I said coffee.
Beer?
MargeCof-fee.
[still not understanding] Be-ear?
MargeC-O...
B-E...
[sweeping a bunch of toads out] Get out, get out! Shoo, shoo. Get out of here, yuck! These bloody things are everywhere. They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bond wizard, and all over the malonga gilderchuck.
They're like kangaroos, but they're reptiles, they is.
MargeWe have them in America. They're called bullfrogs.
What? That's an odd name. I'd have called them "chazzwazzers".
[Homer's debt to Patty and Selma has been revealed, meaning Homer is no longer bound by agreement to be subservient to his in-laws.]
MargeHomer, is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters?
I don't know, Marge. I can't be expected to keep track of all wheelings and dealings.
He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns.
[gasps] You told!
[Homer throws Patty outside first then accidentally throws Marge by mistake; Homer runs to get Marge into the house.]
Sorry, Marge. (kiss) [Homer then throws out Selma] I never want to see you again! You either.
OK, Marge, I'll plan everything: we can have the reception at Moe's. Wait. Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks.
MargeHomer, don't be offended, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding.
[looks through the papers of the court order] Well, these seem to be in order. I'll be out back in the hammock.
[Skinner shows up furious with Bart's class]
Well, children, I don't know what you did to all those substitutes, but it's going to stop now. Leopold!
[Vice Superintendent Leopold quickly walks in and intimidates Bart's class.]
All right, you listen up, you little "freaks"! The fun stops here: you're going to shut your stinking traps and behave, dammit! This is one substitute you're not going to screw with!
[Martin and Wendell swallow uncomfortably]
[pleasantly] ...Marge Simpson!
[Marge happily walks in and Bart swallows uncomfortably.]
MargeHi, class! Hi Bart...over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi! Hey! Hello?
[Bart groans in embarrassment as his class [save for Milhouse] laughs at him.]
[Bart makes his case clear to Marge]
Look, Mom, it feels really weird having you on my turf. How would you feel if I started mopping the floor?
MargeI'd be thrilled. You can start right now.
[angry] D'oh!
MargeAnd I'm going to keep teaching your class, like it or lump it.
Well, then, I guess I'll just have to get into the crawlspace again.
[Bart is disgusted that Marge isn't listening to him about not teaching his class and runs off in the crawlspace to hide from her]
MargeI hate it when he [Bart] gets in there.
[She pounds the wall with a broom, while Bart refuses to leave.]
Man, these are primo seats. I could really go for a hotdog.
MargeHomer, this is an operation!
Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs here!
Woo-hoo!
And I won't rest until all of Springfield knows the name Bleeding Gums Murphy!
And I won't rest until I've gotten a hotdog.
MargeHomer, this is a cemetery.
Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs here!
Woo-hoo!
MargeWhat do you do, follow my husband around?
Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
MargeHello, Mr. Hutz.
I'll have you know the contents in that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.
MargeI just wanted to say hello.
Oh. Hello..heh... [Marge walks off; Hutz torches the contents in the dumpster]
Mom, I know your intentions are good but aren't the police the protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?
Marge[pauses] Look Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog! [uses a hand puppet] Hey, Lisa, help me bite crime, ruff, ruff!
[Homer and Marge enjoy a day at the spa, lounging in a sauna]
MargeThis is soooo relaxing. Homie, this is a wonderful idea.
Hehehe, yeah. If that Mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.
[off-camera] Aw don't mind-a me. Look, I do it first.
[The sound of a towel dropping to the floor is heard. Homer and Marge stare uncomfortably]
MargeHmm. Bart, what's wrong? There's something a little off about your hug.
Mom, I need to tell you something. I kind of --
Marge[interrupts] Let me guess. A mother can always tell. [hugs him a bit] Hmm. It's not fear of nuclear war. [hugs him more] It's not swim-test anxiety. It almost feels like you're missing something...something important.
[eager] Like I don't have a soul?
Marge[chuckles] Aw, honey, you're not a monster.
I would like to say grace. [saying grace, while knowingly poking fun at Bart] Lord, have mercy on my soul... and Mom's soul, and Dad's soul, and Maggie's soul. And let every soul in Christendom-
[Bart furiously throws a meatball at Lisa]
MargeBart!
I can't take this anymore! I want my soul, and I want it now! [runs out]
Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls!
Silence, you fool. It can be ours.
[eats Bart's spaghetti, mouthful] Run, boy! Run! Run for your life... boy.!
Homer SimpsonDan Castellaneta · 1,595 quotes
Bart SimpsonNancy Cartwright · 792 quotes
Lisa SimpsonYeardley Smith · 585 quotes
MSMoe Szyslak164 quotes
Mr. BurnsHarry Shearer · 140 quotes
Ned FlandersHarry Shearer · 107 quotes
MVMilhouse Van Houten97 quotes
Krusty the ClownDan Castellaneta · 81 quotes
NMNelson Muntz79 quotes
WSWaylon Smithers73 quotes
Chief WiggumHank Azaria · 72 quotes
Principal SkinnerHarry Shearer · 66 quotes
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