Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Homer, your half ass under-parenting was better than your half ass over-parenting.

Homer

But I'm using my whole ass!

Lisa

Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.

Homer

Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.

Bart

I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking".

Lisa

That's what I assumed.

Bart

Cheer up, Homer.

Homer

Can't.

Bart

Okay!

Marge

What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh?

Homer

I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.

Lisa

Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?

Homer

Yes! Cris-a-tunity. You're right. I've been wasting my life away in that dump for years. That's it! I'm going to find a new bar to drink in, and I'm going to get drunker than I've ever been in my entire life! Bart! Where's my wallet?

Bart

[pulling it from his own pocket] Right here, Dad!

Homer

Thank you!

Bart

You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something...

Grampa

[still on the airplane] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Homer

Eh, I'm sure it's nothin'.

Lisa

Mom, are you feeling any better?

Marge

Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.

Homer

Permit me to solve the mystery: your mother has a fear of flying.

Bart

So much for the days when I could say, "At least my mother's normal."

Marge

Everyone has a fear of something.

Homer

Not everyone.

Marge

Sock puppets!

Homer

Where!? Where!? [screams]

Homer

Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.

Marge

[walking in] Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these globus monkeys. Somebody's going to get parasites.

Homer

Oh Marge, kids, I miss my club.

Marge

Oh, Homey. You know, you "are" a member of a very exclusive club.

Homer

Black panthers?

Marge

No, the family Simpson, which has just five members -- and only two of those members have special rings.

Yeah!

Marge

I meant our wedding rings!

Homer

Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!

Marge

Bart, let your father tell the story!

Homer

Yeah!

Bart

Okay, but I know funny.

Lisa

I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against is what burned up the comet.

Bart

But what's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.

Lisa

Yeah, Dad was right.

Homer

I know, kids. I'm scared too.

Lisa

Bart, water will only go the other way in the southern hemisphere.

Bart

What the hell is the Southern Hemisphere?

Lisa

Haven't you ever looked at your globe? [Tears off wrapping paper on a gift with a tag reading "Happy Birthday! Love Grampa" on it] See, the Southern Hemisphere is made up off everything below the equ... [stares at Bart] this line.

Bart

So say in Argentina, and Rand McNally [pointing at Rand McNally logo on globe], all their water goes backwards?

Lisa

Uh-huh. In fact, in Rand McNally, people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.

Bart

[impressed] Cool!

Please to repeat again, so I can translating for the el presidente.

Bart

[on the phone] Which way does the water turn in your toilet?

[gasps, in Spanish with English subtitles] ¡Él dice que las mareas están cambiando! (He says the tides are turning!)

[gasps] ¡Ay carumba! ¡Entonces los rebeldes pronto se llevará a la capital! ¡Necessito huir! (Oh, no! Then the rebels will soon take the Capital! I must flee!) Yaaiiee! [President jumps out the window]

Bart

Mom, Dad, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.

Homer

That's no reason to block the TV.

Bart

Hey, G.I. Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.

Actually, Sir, the embassy is considered American soil, Sir.

Homer

Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia. [hops over the line] Now I'm in America. Australia! America!

Bart

I get it, Dad.

Homer

Australia! America!

Marge

Homer, that's enough.

Homer

Australia! America!

Here in America, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!

You call that a knife? This is a knife. (takes out spoon.)

Bart

That's not a knife. That's a spoon.

All right, all right, you win. Heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

Bart

Oh, no, it's PE signup day!

Lisa

[in a hockey uniform similar to the one she wore on Apu's team and has an increased interest in hockey] How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library.

Better sign up for something fast, man. Baseball just filled up [gets kicked by Nelson] --oof!

So did Tae Kwon Do.

Skinner

Heh heh, there's only one class left, but it happens to be the coolest one of all. [ballet]

Bart

Ballet?! Dancing is for girls.

Skinner

[clearly enjoying his revenge on Bart] Well, you should have gotten here earlier.

Coming up next, The Flintstones Meet The Jetsons.

Bart

Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon crossover.

Homer

[enters] Bart Simpson, meet Jay Sherman, the critic.

Hello.

Bart

Hey, man, I really love your show! I think all kids should watch it! [shudders] I suddenly feel so dirty.

Bart

Hello, I'm Bart Simpson. In the past, I've brought you such classic films as Homer in the Shower and Homer on the Toilet. And now, I give you, The Eternal Struggle.

Homer

"Relaxed fit," my Aunt Fanny! Stupid Dockers! Oh, the belt is buckled. Heh heh... [struggles more]