[Homer is working at Boris' Car Loft as a sales rep, he is in the sales office with a couple]
HomerYou probably want to talk this over, so I'll leave you two "alone" [laughs maniacally] Excuse me. [Homer joins the manager in the adjacent room to spy on them]
MMan
Well honey, what do you think?
WWoman
Did that salesman cut one during the test drive?
MMan
Yeah, and for some reason, he turned on the radio to cover up the smell!
WWoman
Let's get out of here. I'm not shaking that guy's hand! [they leave, the manager glares at Homer]
Homer
They'll be back. [looks nervously and turns on radio, the manager then grimaces at Homer]
NFNed Flanders/Sir Thomas More
[to Homer/Henry VIII] Divorce! Well, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church! But it's the only church we got, so what are you gonna do?
HHHomer/Henry VIII
I'll start my own church!
NFNed Flanders/Sir Thomas More
Whaaaaaaaa!?
HHHomer/Henry VIII
Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of all marriages will end in it!
NFNed Flanders/Sir Thomas More
Your Majesty, I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.
HHHomer/Henry VIII
[as aides are slicing his crown and other royal items in half] No fair! I invented divorce! How come you get half of everything?
PFPasty-Faced Lawyer
You should have invented the pre-nup. Now, one half of your kingdom, please.
[Homer/Henry VIII holds up of map of the British Isles. He rips it in half and gives the left part to Marge/Margerine of Aragon]
MMMarge/Margerine of Aragon
[groans] I get Ireland?
HHHomer/Henry VIII
Ha ha!
[Bart heads into the bathroom, Homer comes out giggling.]
Homer
Wait 'til he puts his unsuspecting butt on that toilet seat. [He giggles again, while looking at "Squat-n-Squirt" box cover. A toilet flushing is heard.] Huh? Where the "ee-yow"?
[exits the bathroom] All yours, Homer.
Homer
But you didn't sit on the toilet.
I didn't have to-- I'm a dude.
Homer
[snatches Bart back to the bathroom, forces him to sit on toilet] Butt on bowl, little man!
[struggling to sit on toilet] Hey, my pants aren't down!
Homer
It doesn't matter!
[Bart gets through his legs and forces him on toilet, which it sprays water.]
Homer
Ee-yow! [sputters]
[Bart laughs at it.]
Homer
[turns red in anger] Why you little--! [angrily strangles Bart] Joke's on me, isn't it?!
[Bart stucks the electric toothbrush up Homer's nose, makes him vibrate on inside. Then Homer grabs shower hose and sprays it in Bart's mouth. Then Bart grabs the toilet cleaning brush and brushes inside Homer's mouth, which makes him strangle him again. The shower hose flies with water still on hits things off.]
[offscreen] What's all that racket?!
Homer
[gasps] It's old lady Simpson! Run! [he and Bart runs out of the bathroom]
[as she and Marge enters] What's going on?
Homer
Uh... I'll tell you what's going on. I'm taking you all out for pancakes!
[Marge, Bart and Lisa cheers]
Homer
Yeah!
[As Artie is going to prison] I have to admit. I'll miss having him around.
Homer
[Chuckles] I don't think we've seen the last of Artie Ziff.
[Snake walks up to Artie]
Yo, hobbit! I'm, like, your roommate. [Blows cigarette smoke in Artie's face]
Oh, smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you. [Pulls out a spray bottle, dousing Snake's cigarette] Squirt, squirt, squirt! Your lungs will thank me!
Kids, you better take your last look at Uncle Artie.
[Artie notices more prisoners smoking]
Oh, look! There's a whole bunch of you! [He douses their cigarettes, too] Squirt, squirt, squirt! [The other inmates get up and start circling around him] That's it! Circle around me! Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt! Squirt, squirt, squirt! Oh, I'm gonna need more water!
[sobbing] My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world.
Homer
It's not all your fault. All of these years I've watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim...of you.
[Marge continues sobbing]
You're a great mom. You're always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was caused by negative reinforcement! [They both glare at Homer]
Homer
Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph!
WWarden
So, why do you want to be a guard here?
Homer
I believe the children are the future... Unless we stop them now!
WWarden
Welcome aboard. [Holds a nightstick] This ends for beating. This ends for holding.
Homer
When does training start?
WWarden
It just finished.
[at Moe's]
Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Could you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?
Homer
Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun!
Who are all of you people?
We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kid's principal, have a beer.
I can't; I might be called upon to give directions later.
SKINNER! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug!
[chugs beer] There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time! Am I a good principal?
CChalmers
You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.
[everyone cheers]
HPHost of Promiscuous Idiot's Island
Now, ladies, when you agreed to do this show, you were told you would be living with a millionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we've misled you. [the women gasp]
[watching show] Get ready, skanks! Here comes the Truth Train!
HHost
This isn't an island at all. It's a peninsula!
W1Woman 1
[walking away] This was supposed to be about trust!
W2Woman 2
[crying] I just want to get on that boat and go home!
HHost
Well, you don't need a boat, because you can walk.
[Watching the show] What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX, you know you're going to be betrayed and humiliated!
Homer
Quiet, the commercials are on! [Everyone looks at him] If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing TV!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
