Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

It's time to take him down a peg. Or should I say down a pie?

Lisa

No, I think the expression is peg.

Homer

Maybe you're right Lisa. Maybe you're pie. Pie be your pie.

Homer

[After revealing to Lisa that he's the Pie Man] Any-hoo, this has to be a surprise, eh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson...

Lisa

You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored up and rude.

Lisa

[working as the judge in "Simpson Family Court"] Now up, the case of Simpson v. Simpson.

Homer

Mr. Simpson, do you think it's appropriate for a ten-year old boy to steal a beer with intent to kiss?

Bart

Do you think it was appropriate to bet against your son's little-league team?

Homer

Wh-? Permission to treat this witness as hostile? [takes out a baseball bat]

Now, Homer, if you're gonna go, you better take some protection. [gives him a switchblade]

Young Homer

Whoo, a switchblade! [eyes it closely] I see the switch, but where's the blade? [camera moves out of the cottage, we hear the blade opening] OOOOWW!! Found it.

Homer

This is so confusing. [turns to "judge" Lisa] I'd like a brief recess.

Lisa

Granted. [brings the gavel down]

Homer

Whee! Recess! [runs out and goes swinging on a swing]

Bart

Let me get this straight: when you were my age, you had the hots for mom and didn't even know it? Oh, that's cool! Or is that lame? I guess I'll go with lame. You're lame!

Homer

Why? Because I only kissed one girl in my whole life? That's still one more than you.

Bart

I've kissed three girls.

Homer

[cries] I'm so lame!

Skinner

Your child's behavior appalls me, not just as a principal, but as a veteran of America's only losing war!

Homer

To date.

Marge

I swear, Bart didn't know what he was doing. He was deaf!

Skinner

Oh sure Marge, [shows Homer and Marge a file of photos] just like Blind Bart, Wheelchair Bart, Pregnant Bart, and my personal favorite, Railroad spike through head Bart.

Homer

Yeah, kids love trains.

Lisa

[As the Simpsons swim away from Alcatraz] Swim for San Francisco!

Homer

We're not made of money! We'll swim for Oakland!

Bart

[being burned on a frying pan by Kang and Kodos] Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain?

Homer

[eating himself on a frozen dish] You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

Homer

Captain!

Lisa

Science officer!

Bart

Security!

Marge

Marge!

Mr. Burns

Now I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside. And while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can.

Marge

Why is my swimsuit so revealing?

Homer

Marge, that's what turns a mediocre voyage into a fantastic voyage.

Bart

I'm just spreading the Playdude philosophy... hi-fi's, Norman Mailer, gettin' some.

Homer

Um... what do you think "some" is?

Bart

Uh... toys?

Homer

[Preparing to teach Bart about sex] Son, do you know what a "boob" is?

Bart

Oh, yeah.

Homer

Oh, good. That will save us some time.

Homer

Okay, why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed?

Bart

Because we're poor?

Homer

Exactly, and we're poor because we have kids. And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is...

Bart

Then the man...

Then the woman...

Homer

Well, better they hear it from me, now, than from their parents when they're old enough.

Homer

Come on Lisa, say everything's fine. [in a squeaky girly voice] Everything's fine.

Lisa

That was you!

Homer

Prove it!