Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

I peed my pants....

Homer

I recorded that for private use!

I...AM...DEATH.

Homer

Death? We don't want any. [Closes the door, Death breaks through it with his scythe]

I HAVE COME FOR BART SIMPSON.

Marge

Bart, run like the "wine-d"!

Lisa

Mom, it's "wind"!

Marge

Well, I only read it in books.

Homer

This is for Snowball I and J.F.K.! [Hits Death with a bowling ball. Death's jaw falls out as he falls to the floor and dies. His contract for Bart disappears as well as his scythe, which was holding Bart up]

Bart

Cool.

Lisa

Dad, do you realize what you've done? You've created a world without death!

Homer

Does this mean they'll never cancel The Jim Belushi Show?

Lisa

I guess so.

Homer

NOOOOOOOO!

God

[voice only] Hey, wait a minute! [removes the sheet, revealing Selma with Marge's hair attached to it with tape on it] This isn't Marge, this is her fat sister; Selma.

Homer

It's Patty, chump! [takes off on his motorcycle]

Hello. Welcome to the United Kingdom.

Lisa

Prime Minister Tony Blair?

Bart

Why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport?

Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of 21st century Britain.

Homer

Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone?

No, but thank you.

Marge

Tony, I mean, Mr. Prime Minister, what should we see first?

There's so much to see here. Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, the White Cliffs of Dover, oh, and since you Americans love castles, there's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born.

Homer

The place where I was born is now a gator farm.

Smashing.

Lisa

Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country?

I'd love to. But I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio.

Homer

Wow, I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!

Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish and Chips, (inside) now completely free of mad fish disease.

Homer

Fish? I dunno, I'm not really a vegetarian.

Please order, or Miss Dench'll be furious. She'll beat us, she will.

Who are you talking to?

No-one, Mum, I swear!

I'll Mum you! (punches him)

Blimey--!

We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.

Homer

You mean MacBeth? (car splashes water onto Ian)

Quiet you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!

Homer

What, by saying MacBeth? (anvil falls on Ian's foot)

Stop saying it!

Homer

Saying what?

MacBeth! Uh! Now I've said it (Ian gets struck by lightning)

Bart

Oh, this is cool. MacBeth, MacBeth, MacBeth. (lightning strikes three times)

Marge

Bart! Stop saying MacBeth! (lightning strikes)

Lisa

Mom, you said MacBeth! (lightning strikes)

Homer

Mr. MacBeth, I'm so sorry! (lightning strikes)

That's quite alright, you didn't know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give.

Bart

Good luck!

It's bad luck to say that too! (MacBeth sign falls on Ian's head)

Marge

That was very sweet of the Queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.

[inside a zip-up bag] I'm telling you! I'm English!

Marge

English women don't pump gas naked.

Homer

See ya in Atlanta, jerk.

Bart

[to Lisa] I'm gonna pour caramel on my clothes, and then finally I can eat my shorts!

Lisa

What is that?!

Homer

[proudly] This is 85 pounds of tooth-melting sugar! Dig in!

Homer

That's it, kids, suckle Daddy's sugar ball.

Homer

[scared] The Bear Went Over the Mountain?! The Berenstain Bears?! [relaxing] Oh, Goldilocks... [scared again] AND THE THREE BEARS!

Homer

Oh god, they're in our food! Teddy Grahams! Gummy bears!

Homer

Are you a Care Bear?

[wielding a crowbar] I'm an Intensive Care Bear.

Homer

Why does a bear need a crowbar?

[shrugs] Eh, I don't like to get my hands dirty.

Lisa

Dad, you can't take revenge on an animal. That's the whole point of Moby-Dick.

Homer

Lisa, the point of Moby-Dick is be yourself!

Bart

You're sneaking off to fight that bear. I wanna go too!

Homer

No way. If something happens to me, you have to carry on the Simpson name.

Bart

Screw that! When I grow up, I'm legally changing my name to Joe Kickass!

Homer

That is so cool! Okay, you can come.

Carl

Hey, Homer. I'm your secret Santa. Merry Christmas, big guy.

Homer

Oh, my god! A DVD player!

Carl

And the first season of Magnum P.I., with commentary by John Hillerman. Apparently, working in Hawaii was a pleasure.

Homer

Oh, Carl, you remembered I like TV.

Lindsey Naegle

I dream of an America with nudity and F-words on network TV. Where the whole world doesn't stop because a school bus did. Children are the future... today belongs to me!

[with their fists raised] YAY!

Homer Simpson

You can’t change the rules in the middle of the game! We never would've had these kids if we thought we had to pay for them. Promises were made!

Luigi

Hey, tough tortellini! I am a-sick and a-tired of printing a-children's menu! Let Mickey Meatball find his own way out of the maze! [spits] Apooey!

Mel

We're sick and tired of buying overpriced tickets for your lousy school plays!

Marge

Then how would we ever get to see Camelot?!

Mel

We'll merely watch the movie on tape!

Marge

Hmm..., is that better? Well, to me, Ralph Wiggum is Sir Lancelot.

[singing] If ever I would leave you, it wouldn't be in summer!

BOOOOOOOOOO!

Lindsey Naegle

Ladies and Gentlemen! Let's kill every child... FRIENDLY THING IN TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!

[As they were dismissed to take actions] YAY!

Squeaky-voiced Teen

It's time to put away my childish things... [in a deep voice] ...and become a man!

Homer Simpson

Hey, what gives? He's not killing me!

Professor Frink

Ah-I'll tell you what gives, I'm afraid he is subject to Issac Asimov's Laws of Robotics, with the Sci-Fi, and the so many Books, not too many Good, my Robot is programmed never to harm Humans, you see, only to serve them.