And these should give you the groundings you'll need in thermodynamics, hyperdmathematics, and of course, microbcalifragilistics.
HomerLook I just want to know how to invent things, tell me.
All you have to do is think of things that people need, but which don't exist yet.
Homer
You mean like an electric blanket-mobile?
Well, possibly. Or you could take something that already exists and find a new use for it. Like...
Homer
Hamburger earmuffs.
Well, I suppose that would qualify.
Homer
Thanks, sucker!
Homer
Now, here's my "Everything's OK Alarm." [picks up a device that looks like a smoke detector and presses a button. It starts beeping loudly, with a sound similar to an air horn.] THIS WILL SOUND, EVERY 3 SECONDS, UNLESS SOMETHING ISN'T OKAY!
Homer
IT CAN'T BE TURNED OFF! [The beeping starts weakening, then stops completely.] But it, uh, does break easily.
[after Homer shoots Marge with "The Makeup Shotgun"]
Homer, you got it set on "Whore."
Homer
Oh, sorry. [switches knob on gun] OK, this time, try to keep your nostrils closed. [Marge swats away gun, and the makeup hits a nearby wall instead] Oh, look what you did. Now I have to get my cold cream gun.
EMEd McMahon
Hi, I'm Ed McMahon. Tonight on Fox, from the producers of "When Shorts Fall Off" and "Secrets of National Security Revealed", it's "World's Deadliest Executions."
Homer
The chair? How come they only do crucifixions during sweeps?
EMEd McMahon
Snake played lacrosse at Ball State University.
So long, Snake. You'll never harm another person with secondhand smoke. [ Chief Wiggum pulls the switch. Snake is jolted with electricity. Smoke from his body fills the execution chamber, causing everyone to have a coughing fit]
[groaning, weakly] Dude... [dies]
All right. Now, let's get this carcass over the hospital and crave it up for organs.
Homer
Whoo-hoo! Marge, they found a donor. I'm saved.
Whoo! Ooh-la-la, Simpson. What can I do for you and your new do?
Homer
[posing as Snake] You sent me to the chair.
[gasps] Snake? But you're dead.
Homer
[in Snake's voice] I know you are, but what am I?
[Snake grabs Apu by the shoulder and pushes him into the squishee machine]
And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all thought the night. On a lighter note: a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Homer
Oh, god.
I can't believe it. That's horrible. Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?
I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.
[crunching] Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.
Aw, geez, Lou. How long were you going to let me keep drinking this thing?
Who would do such a thing?
Ah, morning, Homer. You're looking unusually focused this morning.
Homer
[in Snake's voice] Shut your squeal-hole, booze jockey. I'm going to, like, totally waste you.
Well, somebody's a grumpy Gus. What's--
Homer
[in Snake's voice, pulling Moe's heart out] Yoink.
Ah, for cryin' out loud. [Groans and dies into the cereal bowl]
Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Filthy old Bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.
Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!
It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.
I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next!
Homer
[puts his arm around Bart] Don't worry, I'll protect you. [in Snake's voice] Little dude. [normal voice] There. Now no murderers can get in. [in Snake's voice] Or out.
Homer
You are so dead.
Homer
Come here, you little...
KCKrusty the Clown Doll
[laughing] Stop it! You're killing me!
[screams] My school picture!
Homer
Daddy would like a word with you, Barty!
Help! Dad's trying to kill me!
Homer
It's hammer time, snitchy!
Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling...
Oh please, Lisa, everyone's already figured that out.
You've got to fight the hair, Dad.
Homer
But I look so youthful and hunky. [in Snake's voice] The kid's got to die. [normal voice] But I love my son. [in Snake's voice] More than a lush head of hair? [normal voice] Don't make me choose! [laughs in Snake's voice] [normal voice] No!
[Homer tears Snake's hair off of his head and discards it]
Homer
I love you, son.
I love you too, Dad. [screaming] Get off! Get it off! [muffled]
Homer
I'll show you, hair! [Homer punches Snake's hairpiece that's attacking Bart]
Ow! [turns red in furious] That's my face, you idiot!
Homer
Idiot? [turns red in anger] Why, you little... [Homer angrily strangles Bart, but two policeman burst into Bart's room]
Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... pasa... Ah, just Moe. Just Moe.
Homer
It wasn't me. It was the hair.
Freeze, hair ball! [after he and the other officers shoot and kill Snake's hair, Maggie picks the hair up and sucks her thumb] Now that's what I call a bad hair day! [everyone laughs].
May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh, wait. I just got it.
It's funny. [everyone laughs] Bad hair day!
[after turning off "Itchy & Scratchy"] Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons, I'd be a pretty lousy mother. Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me?
Nah. It's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness.
Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again?
Homer
Going where?
Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy & Scratchy. I better take these batteries just to be sure.
Homer
[singing] Mama took those batteries, she took 'em away. Mama took those batteries, size double-A!
There's got to be some batteries in here somewhere. Hmm...
Oh, Bart, that's plutonium. It's highly unstable.
Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?
What's wrong with the TV?
[After changing Lisa and the TV screen into red] Whoa! Cool!
[Holding the remote control] Bart, quit it! Hey Give--
Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon!
[to Bart and Lisa] Why are you laughing?
IItchy
[to Scratchy] Hey, they're laughing at your pain.
[Picks up his head and puts it back on his body] That's mean.
IItchy
Let's teach 'em a lesson. [shaking Scratchy's hand]
[A trickle of blood runs down his forehead]
[Itchy loads a cannon with all manner of deadly objects]
BLBart & Lisa
[eyes literally sockets] AAH! AAAH!!! [They run out of the house. The cannon fires, and the kids have to duck to avoid the flying arsenal]
[On the Jerry Springer Show, after Kang brings out flowers for Marge and kisses her hand. Homer begins wailing on him]
Homer
You one-eyed, two-timing [bleep, bleep]! I'm going to [bleep]!
Oh yeah?! Well, [bleep] hyperbolic paraboloid [bleep] your mama!
I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
Any-Hoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now!
Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington!
[not intimidated] Oh, you can't destroy every politician!
[Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally as they enter their spaceship and take off.]
Homer
Come on, Maggie. Let’s go home.
[In Kang’s voice] Very well, I’ll drive. [Maggie laughs maniacally as the screen fades to black and starting opening credits showrunner.] I need blood. [After the credits of showrunner, Halloween ending theme music is hear of end credits roll. After the credits, Regis Philbin yells]
RPRegis Philbin
My eyes! My beautiful eyes!
[As the organ music plays in Gracie Films logo, the same as "Treehouse of Horror II" and 20th Century Fox Television logos appears at the end of the episode]
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
