Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Marge

Hmmmm… anyway, it's time for the church picnic.

Homer

What? They had a picnic last week.

Marge

No, they didn't. You just brought a bucket of chicken to church.

Homer

If God didn't wan't us to eat in church, he would have made gluttony a sin.

Wake up, Homer! Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers.

Homer

[examines a bar] Hey, Deng Xiaoping died.

Lisa

Are you sure you don't want to go to the doctor? I mean, a drawbridge did close on your head.

Homer

Nah, I'll just walk it off.

Shouldn't you be at work right now?

Homer

Uh yes sir, Mr. Burns, sir.

Well then, get back to wherever it is you work, whoever you are.

Homer

Maybe, but you don't know Lisa, I mean she's so smart they hooked her up to a big computer to try to teach it some things, but she had so much knowledge, it overloaded, and then it got really hot and caught on fire!

Carl

That never, uh, happened, did it, Homer?

Homer

Ah, yes, but now I have to leave on a totally unrelated matter. :[he starts to leave, then rushes out]: Oh, Lisa!

Hey Bart, what's your favorite thing about teachers conference day?

Bart

Hmm, well, I guess that we don't have to go to school.

Wow, mine too!

Bart

The world is completely different on a weekday morning. Banks are open, old people are walking the streets with impunity. And look, Barney's not even drunk yet.

Barney

Morning, boys, can't stop to chat, time is money.

Homer

Morning, Barney.

You know what makes it even sweeter? While we're out having fun and walking around like crazy, those teachers are cooped up in school like morons.

Principal Skinner

Hmm, here we go again.

Skinner!

Marge

You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?

Homer

I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong.

Marge

When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to buy a refrigerator motor?

Homer

Naw, I never thought I'd live this long.

Homer

Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit! Hahaha!

Marge

Heh, heh, mmm...yeah.

Homer

[to the audience; annoyed] Why don't you take a picture?! It lasts longer! [everyone begins taking pictures] D'OH!

Marge

It would have to be camera day...

Homer

Marge, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.

Marge

With cans of used grease?

Homer

[mockingly] No, through savings and wise investments! Of course with grease.

Willie

Not so fast, boyo. Hell, if it was up to me, I'd let ya go. [Raises his fists.] But, the lads have a temper, and they've been drinking all day!

Homer

Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful!

Willie

[Willie stops briefly] Okay, fine. I'll strangle ya for a while! [Willie strangles Homer with his hose, and one of Homer's eyes bulges out of its socket.]

Homer

Oh, I can't believe those goons muscled me out of my grease business. I've been muscled out of everything I've ever done, including my muscle for hire business.

Marge

Oh, poor Homey. Couldn't you try some other far-out, moneymaking scheme?

Homer

Alright son, we're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our head in prayer. Dear Lord, I know You're busy, seeing as how You can watch women change clothes and all that, but if You help us steal this grease tonight I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.

Bart

Dad, He's not stupid.

Homer

Alright, screw it. Let's roll! [floors it]

Bart

When you want grease, go to the source. Good old Krusty Burger!

Homer

I'll say! Look at that red-headed kid. There must be $40 worth of grease on his forehead alone.

Bart

Uh, I was thinking more of the deep frier.

Homer

Whatever, we'll try it your way.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

Can I help you, sir?

Homer

[leaning uncomfortably close to Squeaky-Voiced Teen] My... God, you're greasy.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

Mr. Maruka, help!