Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Sir you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.

Homer

Oh, that sounds like a wager to me.

Homer Simpson

Hear ye, hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed!

Principal Skinner

15 years of loyal service and this is how they tell me? A jester with an invisible proclamation?

Homer Simpson

Good morning, Starshine, Seth.

What's going on?

What happened to our crops?

Homer Simpson

I picked them, juiced them, and delivered them to every store in town. Your business is saved.

But there weren't enough vegetables left to fill that order.

Homer Simpson

That's what I thought of first. But then I found the other garden behind the barn, the one with the camouflaged netting.

Uh-oh.

Homer, those were our personal vegetables.

Homer Simpson

But now the town can benefit from their own nutrients.

How could you let me turn into you?

Homer

But-but-but the poncho--

Young Homer

"But-but-but the poncho!" Hit the road, square.

Marge

Doctor, will he be all right?

Dr. Hibbert

Yes, he was lucky. If that were a gladiola, he'd be dead right now.

Bart

Why don't you just pull it out?

Dr. Hibbert

[laughs] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.

Homer

Couldn't you prune some of the leaves so I can watch TV?

Dr. Hibbert

What did I just say?

Homer

Hurry up, my arms are getting cold.

Marge

Oh my goodness! Homer, get her out of there!

Homer

Aw! [pulls Lisa out of the freezer shivering holding an ice cream can]

Homer

[Picks the ice cream can from Lisa] Sherbert Hoover? [throws it back on the freezer]

Marge

[grumbling and mopping in the kitchen] Who left these muddy claw prints on my clean floor?

Homer

Sorry, Marge. Pinchy got all dirty in the yard chasing birds. But don't worry! I put him in a nice hot bath.

Bart

[sniffs the air] Hey, what smells so good?

Homer

Yeah... [with growing realization and horror] Pinchy? Pinchy?! Oh...! PINCHY!!!!!!

Homer

Oh, man, that's good...! [sob] Pass the butter?

Bart

[passing it] Are you gonna eat that all by yourself?

Homer

Uh-huh. Pinchy would've wanted it this way. My dear, sweet Pinchy...! [takes a bite] No more pain where you are now, boy. [breaks the lobster's body in half and sucks out the meat] Oh God, that's tasty! I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this! [sobs and takes more bites] Oh, Pinchy...!

Grampa

Can I go to the bathroom before we leave?

Homer

Oh, we gotta get home. I don't wanna miss Inside the Actors Studio. Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham.

Grampa

But I really...

Homer

F...MURRAY...ABRAHAM!

Well, I gotta hand it to you, Homer, you're really brave to go through with this operation.

Homer

It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor says it's just a procedure.

No, no, no - making polenta, that's a procedure. You're talking about deadly life-threatening surgery here.

Homer

[worried] Really? You think It's dangerous?

Carl

Oh yeah, and even if you survive the operation--

Homer

Procedure! Deadly procedure.

Carl

Whatever; the point is, with only one kidney, you won't be able to drink yourself stupid no more.

Homer

Now you're just trying to scare me.

Plus, they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists. Everyone who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after ya!

Homer

But I don't want that!

Listen, I'm just gonna get right to the point here - can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die. They look pretty comfortable.

Homer

Yeah, I guess...

Carl

And, uh, are those your original lips?

Homer

Well, actually I-- Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes! [storms out of the bar]

[watching him leave] Oh yeah, that would look so good on me!

Homer

Marge, I've been thinking - what if instead of donating one of my old worn-out kidneys, I gave Grampa that artificial kidney I invented?

Marge

Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it.

Homer

If I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me?

Marge

Oooh, anything, sweetheart.

Homer

[serious tone] Blow up the hospital.

YEEEEEESSSSSS?

Homer

Do you have a table for the mayor?

YEEEEEESSSSS!

Homer

Why do you talk like that?

I had a STROOOOOOKE!

Homer Simpson

[to Bart and Lisa] Hold it, what's your clearance?

Bart Simpson

We just wanna get a snack.

Homer Simpson

Access denied.

Bart

But, Dad... [Homer pinches the kids on the shoulder, sending them to the floor, unconscious]

Marge

Homer, I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children.

Homer

They'll be fine in half an hour.

Bart

If I was Fat Tony, and God willing someday I will be, I'd just be stewing in my jail cell getting madder and madder.

Homer

I don't have to worry about that, he's already out on bail. Well, I'm off to work.

Marge

You're guarding the mayor tonight, after Fat Tony swore revenge?

Homer

It's my duty, Marge. Besides, those mobsters don't scare me. Bart, will you start daddy's car?

Marge

Homer!

Homer

What? There's nothing to worry about.

Bart

Well, then you start it.

Homer

Alright, fine, I'll take a cab.

Homer, use the-!

Homer

The Force?

The forks! Use the forks!