Can I have the secret formula?
No.
Okay. [walks away]
[voiceover] But he was persistent.
[comes back] Pretty please?
Uh-uh.
S3Plankton's Army
Krabs won't stand a chance against the staggering intellect of a million super-smart criminal masterminds! [doorbell rings] They're here! Welcome, brethren! [Plankton runs to the door and opens it with a big grin, which quickly fades into a look of disbelief; he sees a huge group of hick, redneck family members playing music; one of them begins to speak]
[hick drawl] Hey, look, everybody! It's cousin Plankton!
FFamily
Yee-haw!
I've been away from home longer than I thought. [Clem runs up and shakes Plankton's hand]
[hick drawl] Well, howdy, cousin! [Plankton stares at his hand, which is dripping after his cousin shook it]
Uh...
It's me, Clem. O' course, you remember Zeke, Rufus, Jeke, Billy Bob, Billy Jim, Billy Billy Bo Willy Banana Fana Fo Filly, Doug, Enis... [Clem continues introducing the rest of the family; Plankton is crawling on the ground in exhaustion] Julio, Fletcher McGee, Rainchild, Zeke Junior...
Alright! I get it! I mean, uh, come inside. Make yourselves at home.
S3SpongeBob Meets the Strangler
Oh, forget the key! Let's climb through this window. I can't reach it. Do you think you could hop up on my shoulders, kid?
[SpongeBob is wearing cleats] Sure! With these spiky cleats, anything is possible! [jumps onto the Strangler]
Cleats?! [SpongeBob's feet land on the Strangler's eyeballs. The Strangler screams in pain] GET YOU FEET OUT OF MY EYE SOCKETS!!
I'm trying, but my cleats are stuck in your corneas!
So. Patrick's the Strangler. Gee, you think you know a guy...
He's not the strangler!
He's not?
[rips off the fake mustache] I am!
Hey, how did you do that without a shaving cream?
Oh, it's a fake, you idiot! I bought it at the party store!
[Everyone suddenly came back]
Did somebody say "party"?
[The Tattletale Strangler screams and runs out of the house]
I can't take it!
[runs after him] Wait, bodyguard, I need protection! [the Strangler gets into a taxi]
Step on it! I'm being chased by a maniac! [SpongeBob chases after the taxi]
I'm not safe! Come back! D-ohh! [taxi goes to the Bikini Bottom Airport and an airplane takes off]
Finally, away from that guy.
[on the airplane a row behind the Strangler] Good idea, bodyguard. He'll never find us up here. [the Strangler jumps out of the plane hollering, he opens his parachute, but it is actually SpongeBob] Good thinking, bodyguard. The Strangler could have been on that plane. [the Strangler takes out a giant pair of scissors and cuts the strings off the SpongeBob parachute and plummets right into the Bikini Bottom Police Station jail. SpongeBob comes running up to him] Bodyguard, bodyguard!
Look kid! I'm not your bodyguard! [cries] I'm the strangler! See? [looks toward his "WANTED" poster on the wall]
AHHH! THE STRANGLER!
[the police officers walk up]
NOfficer Nancy
Good work, SpongeBob, you put the Strangler behind bars!
At least I'm safe from that yellow idiot.
Hey, Mack. [the Strangler turns and sees Patrick in the cell with him] What're you in for? [the episode ends]
S3Pranks a Lot
No.
Wow, invisible spray!
[looking confused] But I can see it.
Gee, Patrick, just think of the pranks we could pull with this.
Well, let's get started.
I think since spraying the park bench was my idea, I should get to spray it.
Patrick, spraying the park bench was my idea.
Yeah, but I said it was a good idea!
Give me that thing!
[SpongeBob grabs the can and he and Patrick wrestle over it. SpongeBob accidentally sprays their clothes and they disappear]
Hey, the invisible spray works!
[A tour bus drives up.]
TTom
And on your right, if you look, you'll see two naked guys fighting over a can of paint!
[The passengers and Tom laugh. The bus drives off. SpongeBob covers his lower half]
Oh my gosh, Patrick, help me find our clothes!
[SpongeBob pats the ground, trying to grab the clothes. Patrick sprays SpongeBob's right hand and it disappears]
I gotta hand it to you, SpongeBob. You look kinda funny.
[Patrick laughs and SpongeBob screams.]
Righty, where are you? [Patrick laughs again.] No one messes with Righty! [takes the spray can with his invisible hand.] We'll see how you like it! [sprays Patrick making a hole in the middle of his body] Kind of gives you an empty feeling, huh?
[Patrick takes the can.]
Yeah! [He sprays SpongeBob's upper left corner.] I see what you mean!
[SpongeBob takes the spray can and sprays Patrick's lower half.]
No guts, no glory! [laughs]
Several bad puns later...
[The scene changes to show Sandy's treedome. The scene then shows her reading a book in a rocking chair in her tree. She hears a noise, which is SpongeBob and Patrick's laughter. She checks to see what it is, but there is supposedly nothing there. She gets up and goes to her window.]
Huh? [the outside of her tree is shown] Well, that's funny, I thought I heard voices. Huh? [walks up to a glass of juice on the floor] I thought I left that glass of peanut juice on the table. [walks over to a table with a lamp covered in garbage] And didn't I toss that old lamp out yesterday? And since when did I acquire all these portraits of Patrick?!
[Photos of Patrick are on the walls and tables, and the rug has his face on it. Sandy turns around and sees SpongeBob and Patrick covered in white sheets over their heads as they wail.]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
We're ghosts.
[SpongeBob and Patrick wail again. Sandy laughs.]
I knew it was you guys! Alright, joke's over. Take off the sheets. [pulls off the sheets and notices there is nothing there, then gasps] It is ghosts!
[Sandy shrieks. She takes out a remote with a large red button. She presses the button and an escape pod that is in the shape of an acorn appears out of some panels. She enters the escape pod and presses a button. The escape pod flies out of her dome, above the water, past the Bikini Bottom island, and lands in Texas. The escape pod explodes in Texas. SpongeBob and Patrick leave Sandy's house, laughing.]
Boy, we really scared her!
[SpongeBob and Patrick laugh.]
Who's gonna be our next victim?
A better question would be, "Who isn't?"
[The scene changes to show Mrs. Puff's house, where she is preparing to eat a piece of cake.]
Double-dark deep-sea light diet cake! [laughs] You will soon be mine. [Patrick and possibly SpongeBob eat(s) the cake, making it look like ghosts have eaten it. Patrick's face is covered in cake. He belches loudly and wipes it off] Oh! [gets filled up with air and then lets it out flying all around] Ghosts!
[Her deflated body lands on the table.]
[shouts, runs out of the house after seeing the invisible SpongeBob & Patrick painting a mustache on his face] Ghosts!
[voice only, invisible] Krabs, we've come to haunt you!
[as the ball bounces on his paddle ball faster] Stay back! I'm well-armed! [the barrel floats by] I'm warning you! [scissors cut the string from the paddle ball he's using]
SPSpongeBob/Patrick
[voices only, invisible] Boo!
[Mr. Krabs breaks out of his armor and shrieks in horror.]
I gotta get out of here! [bumps into the door, only to find out the doors were glued]
[voice only, invisible] You can't escape, Krabs! We've glued the door shut!
Yeah.
S3 E11Party Pooper Pants
Hey, get off my lawn! Party? There ain't no party here! Go away!
The Plan Your Own Party Kit warns that unsupervised parties can lead to disaster. That's why I've taken the liberty of devising a schedule: 8 o'clock to 8:05: Guests arrive. 8:05-8:15: Opening remarks and general discussion. 8:15-8:27: Craft corner, followed by name tag distribution. At 8:27, we begin the qualifying rounds for our cracker-eating slash tongue-twister contest. 9:07: running charades. 9:38: charity apple-bob. 9:57: Electric jitterbug dance marathon, ladies' choice. [winks] At 10:09, things start cooking as I dip into my world-famous knock-knock joke vault!
A jolly idea, Potty! A little live music'll get me shindig dug! Who'd you get? Barnacle Bill and the Seven Seas?
No.
Seaweed Sally and her Cackling Turtle?
No.
Oh, oh, I know! The First Mates!
No.
Saltwater Sam, featuring the Brine Brothers?
No.
Uh, Rusty Hinges and the Boys from the Brig?
They broke up years ago.
Ohh, Potty, that's the worst sea shanty I've ever heard. I certainly hope it doesn't get any louder. Ohhhhh! [woman cheers] [a blast of music sends Patchy flying backwards out of the house, blasting him through six houses before slamming face-first into a metal telephone pole with a grunt. Back at the party, the band continues to play as the guests continues cheering; Patchy enters his house while covered with debris] No, no, no! Stop the music! [woman cheers] [yelling as he goes to the band as everyone stops dancing] Sto-o-o-o-o-o-o-op...! [music stops]
Look, boys. I know you fellas sound good around the birdbath, but this here is basic cable! This is the big time. I'm afraid it's time for you to walk the plank.
You mean we're fired?
Nooooo...
[Snap to the Bird Brains standing on a plank outside a window upstairs with Patchy pointing a sword at them.]
Go on! Start jumping, or you're gonna be dealing with the business end of me sword.
[Patchy waves his sword at them, laughing, but the birds just fly away]
No! I forgot that you're birds! [wails and whacks himself with the sword]
Okay, Gary. Get ready. It's almost 8:00! Here they come!
[reading his name tag that says, "HELLO, MY NAME IS PATRICK" upside down] Kirtap si eman, Y, M, O, 77, eh. I don't get it.
No, you dumb bunny! It says "Hello, my name is Patrick"!
[shakes his hand] Nice to meet you, Patrick!
[laughs] Good one, Patrick! [both laugh]
[he and Mr. Krabs laugh] Yeah.
What's going on here?! The laughter isn't scheduled until 9:03! You want to throw a party, do it at your house, Patrick.
Was he talking to me or you?
[looking at discussion cards]
What does yours say, Plankton?
Um...Oh, yes. "Discuss the secret formula for the Krabby Patty." [the card actually reads, "Where are you from?"] Ahem...How interesting.
Nice try, Plankton.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.