Patchy quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Patchy

[to telephone] No, not now! Don't call 'til I tell you to! Roll the cartoon! Now, remember to vote at the end because...

Patchy

Hey, get off my lawn! Party? There ain't no party here! Go away!

Patchy

Like I was saying, prehistoric times were the greatest. It was a simpler time with simpler pleasures. Your clothes always match. [cut to him with a paintbrush] You can draw on the walls and nobody would yell at ya. [holds up a club] It was much easier to hit a baseball. Oh yeah, prehistoric times were the best.

Patchy

Well, that ends me tale, straight from the book.

Patchy

[finding out a gorilla shows up as an employee] What? They let a smelly, hairy fleabag like that serve food? [a gorilla goes on a rampage and throws burgers]

Patchy

Well, bad news, kids. Encino's still lost. [The radio starts playing] Oh! But, at least I got me radio fixed! [Patchy snaps his fingers while listening to it, then it explodes] Well, enjoy the rest of the show.

Patchy

"Ahoy!"

Patchy

[saddened] Hold on! [blows his nose] Sorry about that, kids! It's just that old Patchy can't help but get all choked up at the end of a show; but the good news is when you watch this cartoon land-lubbing style like you usually do, it'll have the ending you picked, so now you're an official big time decision maker! [cues some monkeys playing instruments at the zoo in greyscale] Just don't let it go to your head. Well, say good night to the folks, Potty! Potty?

Potty

[with suit and briefcase] I quit!

Patchy

[looking at the window] Three bells! We know what three bells mean...

[offset] Free ice cream!

Patchy

[laughs] No, you silly livers! No!

Patchy

This letter comes to us from --

Name and address withheld.

Patchy

And he writes: "Dear SpongeBob, I am ten years old, and I was wondering if you like Christmas as much as I do. Sincerely yours..."

Name and address withheld.

Patchy

A very good question. But you know, they didn't always celebrate Christmas in Bikini Bottom.

Potty

[squawks] They didn't?

Patchy

No sir, my fine feathered little neck pain!

Patchy

A jolly idea, Potty! A little live music'll get me shindig dug! Who'd you get? Barnacle Bill and the Seven Seas?

Potty

No.

Patchy

Seaweed Sally and her Cackling Turtle?

Potty

No.

Patchy

Oh, oh, I know! The First Mates!

Potty

No.

Patchy

Saltwater Sam, featuring the Brine Brothers?

Potty

No.

Patchy

Uh, Rusty Hinges and the Boys from the Brig?

Potty

They broke up years ago.

Patchy

Ohh, Potty, that's the worst sea shanty I've ever heard. I certainly hope it doesn't get any louder. Ohhhhh! [woman cheers] [a blast of music sends Patchy flying backwards out of the house, blasting him through six houses before slamming face-first into a metal telephone pole with a grunt. Back at the party, the band continues to play as the guests continues cheering; Patchy enters his house while covered with debris] No, no, no! Stop the music! [woman cheers] [yelling as he goes to the band as everyone stops dancing] Sto-o-o-o-o-o-o-op...! [music stops]

Patchy

Look, boys. I know you fellas sound good around the birdbath, but this here is basic cable! This is the big time. I'm afraid it's time for you to walk the plank.

You mean we're fired?

Patchy

Nooooo...

Patchy

Go on! Start jumping, or you're gonna be dealing with the business end of me sword.

Patchy

No! I forgot that you're birds! [wails and whacks himself with the sword]

SpongeBob

Okay, Gary. Get ready. It's almost 8:00! Here they come!

Patchy

[blows his harmonica first, then sings as he plays his one-man-band] OH! Scurvy ain't for the likes of me, Yo Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho... OOOH! Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho.... OH... Scurvy ain't for the likes of me-

Potty

Uh… It’s time for your flute solo.

Patchy

Thank you, Potty, I almost forgot... [suddenly realizes] Wait a minute. I don't play a flute. I play a fife. [realizes he's holding a lit stick of dynamite] AAAH! Potty, no! [explodes]

French Narrator

Hooray. It looks like our prehistoric pals have just discovered fire, but they will soon learn that when you play with fire, you may get burned. Stay tuned. [cut back to Patchy, who is laughing hysterically]

Patchy

I told you prehistoric times were fun! Hey! How's about I teach you kids how a caveman makes a fire with [holds up two sticks] two sticks? [rubs them together] Yeah... Doesn't get any cooler than that, huh? Chalk one up for Patchy! [a "I" is chalked up on the wall below a sign reading "Prehistory"] Rubbing... [he pants. Nothing is happening, and he eventually gives up] I guess this is a type of wood that doesn't burn. [a laser shoots through and lights the two sticks on fire, startling Patchy] Potty! [we see Potty with a laser cannon on his back]

Potty

[squawk] Laser technology. Score one for the future. [cut to the digital screen next to the prehistory chalk labeled "The Future." The score goes from "00" to "01"]

Patchy

Well, I have something that you'll never find in your little [air quotes] future: a real live caveman. Hmm... [the caveman walks in from behind] Hey, there he is! Come on in, big troglodyte fella. Come on… [the caveman is very slowly approaching] You see kids, I found him frozen in a block of ice and then I spent three days thawing him out with my mom's hair dryer. I call him Cavey. [the caveman approaches the camera, and recoils in horror. Patchy chuckles] Isn't he something? It's OK, Cavey. [another "I" is chalked up for "Prehistory"]

Potty

That's nothing, old timer. Make way for the future. [a door swings up and a robot named X-29488 enters the room]

Greetings. I am the X-29488. How may I serve you? ["The Future" score goes from "01" to "02"; beat]

Patchy

Where do you keep getting all this stuff!?

Potty

Never you mind, pops. Let's go see what Cavey thinks. [squawks. Cavey slowly approaches the robot, and touches it. The robot's eyes start flashing red. A siren goes off]

Attack! Attack! [Cavey starts to run off and the robot gives slow chase, shooting lasers at him. For every shot, "The Future" score keeps going up]

Patchy

Potty! You're ruining me caveman show!

Attack! Attack! [the robot continues to shoot lasers. Cut to the exterior, which is rumbling]

French Narrator

Will Patchy ever get control of the special? [cut to SpongeGar, mesmerized by the fire] What will SpongeBob do with fire? [cut to the SpongeBob B.C. screen] Stay tuned to SpongeBob SquarePants B.C. and find out.

French Narrator

Welcome back to SpongeBob SquarePants B.C. Sounds like things have gone from bad to worse for Patchy. Let's watch. [inside, the robot is still firing lasers, and Cavey throws a giant rock at him. Patchy is huddled behind the couch. Potty watches with a soda and popcorn]

Potty

[squawk] This is great.

Patchy

Ahoy, glad you're back. [ducks a laser] Let's watch the rest of SpongeBob B.C. while I get things straightened out around here. Whoa! [ducks as a giant rock falls on him. He comes up dazed] Or... maybe not. [collapses. Cut back to the freeze frame of Sponge, Pat, and Squog]

French Narrator

When we last saw our hungry troglodytes, they just discovered fire. How long will it take for them to mess it up? Let's see.

Patchy

Well, Potty, I guess you were right. The future is cool.

Potty

Just when to show you, there's no hard feelings and I got you a present from prehistoric times.

Patchy

Oh, what is it, a new loincloth?

Potty

No.

Patchy

An enlarged forehead?

Potty

No.

Patchy

Oh, what is it?

Patchy

Potty! [continues hollering as he runs off]

Potty

[watches from the window with popcorn and a soda, squawk] This is great.

Patchy

[hollering, then stops] Well, thanks for watching SpongeBob B.C., kids. Bye! [continues hollering, then laughing] Now he's tickling. Cut it out, you rascal! [continues laughing]