Squidward, he has lost something near, and dearer at him, haven’t you-
[Laughs as he plays jumprope with his eyes]
You’re right. How do we get out of here?
If we're real quiet, we can sneak over to the lifeboat.
Okay. [he and Squidward take a step, but then start screaming as they sprint over to the lifeboat. They jump into it but then come back onto the boat tied up; Mr. Krabs pops his head out of the lifeboat]
[angrily] So, you thought you'd skip out on old Krabs, did ya? Even after you promised to help me. I know what you're thinking. "It's just a dumb old dollar. Let's just leave the old man. He won't notice." [sobs] Well, it's not going down like that. There's only one use for a backstabbing crew like you: [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs hanging his line over the boat. SpongeBob and Squidward are attached to the line] live bait.
You're crazy. If that clam didn't come before, what makes you think he'll come now?
[dressed up as a conductor] Ohh, he'll come. [taps the book using his baton and the doors open up to the live-action orchestra and begins to play the 4/4 string ostinato in D minor; SpongeBob and Squidward shake and scream in terror]
Mr. Krabs, listen, I work with SpongeBob all day long, so I know what I'm talking about when I say... [yells] you are completely out of your mind! [Mr. Krabs laughing maniacally while conducting the orchestra. The giant clam emerges above the lagoon coming closer to the two on the line; Squidward screams] Get us out of here!
Come on, fresh meat! [SpongeBob and Squidward scream as they try to wiggle back and forth to avoid the giant clam] Keep thrashing! He likes it! [both continue to scream and bounce up and down really fast] Come on, boy! Closer. Closer. Almost there. [a giant clam shows the dollar on its tongue] That's it! [closes the doors to cause the music to stop. The giant clam stops in mid-air and Mr. Krabs jumps inside it to take the dollar] Aha! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Look, boys, I finally got it! [rubs his dollar on himself] I finally got me millionth dollar!
[The cabin doors strangely open by themselves to play the ominous music again. The giant clam closes its mouth, with Mr. Krabs inside, and dives into the lagoon. The cabin doors close as the conductor takes a bow.]
Oh, poor Mr. Krabs. Gone forever out of our lives. [a tear falls down his cheek] Why couldn't it have been me?
Yes, why couldn't it have been you? [sobbing]
Why did he have to go like this, why? [crying]
Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot? [both sob loudly]
Hello, boys! [SpongeBob and Squidward stop sobbing]
SSSpongeBob and Squidward
Mr. Krabs? [Mr. Krabs' head is above the lagoon]
Have you boys met... [holds his millionth dollar up] ...me millionth dollar? [laughs]
Wow, how did you get it back?
It wasn't easy. Old Blue Lips is quite the fighter, so, eventually, we settled on a trade.
What did you give him? [Mr. Krabs jumps back up on the boat, revealing himself as only having a head and left arm]
Nothing important. [laughs. SpongeBob and Squidward look shocked]
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? [Gary imagines himself watching TV] No, no, no! I'm thinking about entering you in that race and beating Squidward's snail! [SpongeBob runs off. He then returns, wearing a coach's outfit] Looks like we're going to start our training now, ladies! [laughs] I call you a lady to humiliate and demean you. It's a motivational tool we coaches use.
[Scene cuts to Sandy walking down the street; she stops and hears what SpongeBob said]
Hmm... I don't know why, but I think I'll kick SpongeBob's butt tomorrow.
AAnnouncer
Oh, looks like number 7 has a blowout! [Gary's other eye explodes] Oops, make that two, folks.
[Gary's shell breaks, showing a machine inside]
AAnnouncer
: Plus, a blown head gasket! Oh, and the poor creature's still going for it.
[getting worried] Umm, Gary, you can stop now!
[Gary is leaving skid marks on the track]
AAnnouncer
He's losing control!
[Gary is running into the walls, making a bunch of sparks]
You can take a break now if you want to, Gary!
[Gary is spinning on the track]
AAnnouncer
He's spinning out of control! [crowd gasps] He's heading straight for the wall!
[Gary runs into a wall of tires and explodes. The crowd gasps again, then they cheer]
No! [two firemen come up and extinguish the smoke. Squidward laughs] Hold on, Gary, I'm coming! [runs onto the track]
AAnnouncer
Whoa. One of the coaches seems to have raced onto the track. That is an automatic disqualification. Looks like number six has this race all wrapped up, ladies and gentlemen.
[Snellie is coming up on the finish line]
Come on, Snellie, it's all you, baby!
[runs up to Gary, crying] Oh, Gary, I'm sorry! Why didn't you just say I was pushing it too hard?!?!
You did? [cries more] Oh, Gary, why didn't you tell me I wasn't listening?!
You did? [cries some more] Oh, Gary! Oh, Gary!
I can't believe it. My purebred, which cost me $1,700, lost to a rock. [Patrick walks over with the trophy he won]
Don't worry, Squidward, I know how much you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you.
Gosh, Patrick, thanks. [reads the engraving] The 1st Place Snail Racing Cup Presented to Squidward... [we see the engraving and the camera zooms in on Squidward's misspelled last name] ...TORTELLINI?! Will I ever win?
[He, SpongeBob, and Patrick laugh. Suddenly, Sandy comes on-screen and kicks SpongeBob in the air. He and Patrick stop laughing]
[angrily] That's for yesterday, SquarePants!
[walks into the Krusty Krab] Good morning, Krusty Krew!
[pokes his head out of the kitchen window, shouts] Hey, Patrick! You all ready for the big night out tonight?!
[shouts] Yeah, it's gonna rock!
Are you ready to go crazy?!
I'm already hearing voices!
[angrily yelling] SPONGEBOB! PATRICK! DO YOU MIND?!
Let's continue this conversation in private, Patrick! I think some people are eavesdropping!
Well, how rude of some people!
You guys wouldn't know a good time if it bit you in the aft! I'm going home! You guys ain't cool, you're lame!!
Lame! You're nerds, geeks, creeps and babies.
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Not 'babies.' [suck their thumbs]
I may be old, but even an old bag of shells like me knows that you haven't suggested one cool thing all night. So good night to ya. [starts to leave]
I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
I said I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
Panty raid? [walks back to them] You're talkin' about girls, right? [pause] Girl girls?
And you're talking about raiding their dressers...for their underpants, right?
Well, count me in. If this works, I'll take back what I said about you two bein' lame.
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Not lame!
Wait just a burger-flipping second!
[turns around angrily] Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman?!?!
That would be me: SpongeBob BacksassPants. I say you got the wrong crab. This Mr. Krabs is the most generous, big-hearted, non-skinflinted crab in the whole sea. [While SpongeBob speaks, Mr. Krabs is happy at SpongeBob's words]
He'd sell your soul for a couple of bucks.
I'd bet my soul he wouldn't.
You got yourself a bet. [to Mr. Krabs] Okay, Krabs, I'll let you stay, but first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between SpongeBob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take?
That depends. How much money we talking about?
[shows some coins] 62 cents.
Here you go, Krabs. 62 cents. [hands him the change and picks up SpongeBob] Next stop: Davy Jones' locker! [SpongeBob screams as they both disappear]
[runs to Squidward, happy] Look, Squidward, money!
Mr. Krabs, I can't believe I'm saying this, but how could you trade SpongeBob for 62 cents!!??
You think I could've gotten more?
He stuck up for you, and you sold him out. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!
You said you would bring Krabby the Clown. But all I saw out there was Cheapy the Cheapskate!!
Hey, I ain't cheap! [rubs the clown nose on his shirt, which turns red] Now, take this tomato back in the kitchen before it spoils.
But what about the true meaning of summer? What about the children?
[walks to the window and climbs out] The children? I don't care about the children. I just care about their parents' money. Ah, the fact that their feeble minds are easily manipulated by cheap playgrounds and talentless clowns is no skin off my nose. Survival of the Fittest, SpongeBob. Survival of the Fittest. [laughs]
Huh? [the children are standing behind him] Oh, hey kids. [smiles nervously] Uh... Uncle Krabs has to go to the bank now. Heh.
Get him! [all the kids run after him]
Are you crazy?! A dirt circle won't stop that monster! I'm running for my life! [does so]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
No!
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
Don't run! Sea bears hate that!
Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then. [does so]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
No!
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
They hate limping more than running!
[offscreen] Well, I guess I'll just have...
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
I should have warned you about crawling!
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
[offscreen] What'd I do that time?!
I don't know, I guess he just doesn't like you!
Pretend to be somebody else!
Here, draw a circle! [tosses Squidward the stick]
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
That was an oval! It has to be a circle!
Move over! [gets inside the circle; the sea bear comes up to Squidward in the circle, then notices the circle itself below before snarls as it points a threatening claw at him, and leaves] Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life! [everyone cheers "hooray"]
Yeah, I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros.
The sound of a sea bear attack. [a sea rhinoceros appears, snorting]
Heh, good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea-rhinoceros undergarments. Right, Squidward?
The most important meal of the day; serving it up Gary's way! Baa! Enjoy buddy. Hmm, you know, I've been feeding this to Gary for years and I don't even know what it tastes like. [tastes the snail food; his face turns green] BLEH!!!! [echoes]
[In snail food headquarters]
WWoman
What is it, Peterson?
I don't know, I feel... a disturbance.
And that's how I got my identity back. Well, that's my story. [Ted yawns while the waitress checks her watch]
WWaitress
Well, you managed to kill eleven minutes.
[laughs] Thanks, uh... [looks at her name tag] Betty.
WWaitress
What? [looks down at her name tag] Oh, sweetie, I'm not Betty. I just borrowed her uniform while mine's at the cleaners. [SpongeBob looks at the camera, confused. The episode ends]
