Mrs. Puff quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Mrs. Puff

[in her sleep] Must protect garden.

Mrs. Puff

Your grease gave me the pinkeye!

Mrs. Puff

You've shown the most spectacular improvement of any student I've ever seen. What's your secret? A little radio in your head? [she and SpongeBob laugh; cuts to Patrick at the pineapple also laughing] Oh, and under that hat is some kind of, uhh, antenna? [they laugh again] And some guy miles away from here is giving you all the answers? [the laughing sequence plays a third time] Oh, yes...But that would be cheating.

Patrick

Cheating! [laughs]

SpongeBob

I'm cheating. Mrs. Puff.

Mrs. Puff

Yes, my star pupil?

SpongeBob

I think I'm cheating.

SpongeBob

Cheating, I'm a cheater! Cheater!

Mrs. Puff

No, no, no! It's quite alright! You can cheat that way! [points towards the finish line]

SpongeBob

No, I'm cheating!

Mrs. Puff

SpongeBob, are you okay?

SpongeBob

I overdid the speech again, didn't I?

Mrs. Puff

I'm afraid so.

SpongeBob

Aw, tartar sauce! I guess I won't be needing this. [takes off uniform] I hardly knew you. [frowns and begins to walk away]

Mrs. Puff

Uh, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

Yes, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff

I can at least let you wear it until tomorrow.

SpongeBob

[flies back into the uniform with a shout of joy] Thanks, Mrs. Puff!

Mrs. Puff

[to herself] What are the consequences of what I've just done? [sighs as she walks back into her classroom]

SpongeBob

[takes a look at a wanted poster] Huh, this guy's not half-bad-looking for a maniac. Wait a minute, Patrick...I'm the maniac.

We'll take that as a confession.

Mrs. Puff

SpongeBob SquarePants, there you are. I turn my back on you for one minute and you destroy half the city. You should be ashamed of yourself.

You know this guy?

Mrs. Puff

Of course I do. I'm the one who gave him the uniform in the first place. He's my responsibility. Uh-oh...

Mrs. Puff

So, in conclusion, class. Red means "stop", green means "go". Oh, and SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

[nervously] Yes, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff

[shown on the monitor] I'd like to see you after class... 6 months from now!

SpongeBob

Okay, Mrs. Puff, what's my final score?

Mrs. Puff

Six.

SpongeBob

Whoo! And how many do I need to pass?

Mrs. Puff

Six.

SpongeBob

[raising arms slowly] Whoo.

Mrs. Puff

Hundred. [SpongeBob stops]

SpongeBob

What?

Mrs. Puff

600. You need 600 to pass. You got six.

SpongeBob

Don't worry. I'll be all right, Mrs. Puff. Besides, this means that I get to be in your class for a whole 'nother year! [he slams his fist down, which causes a piece of the motor to fly upward] Well, see you next Tuesday! [SpongeBob walks off and the piece crashes on Mrs. Puff. She inflates like she always does when SpongeBob crashes. SpongeBob runs out to his unicycle-like bike] Yeah! [singing] I'm gonna get my driver's license and it's only gonna take one more year, one more year, one more super duper year. [goes around in circles on his bike] One more super-spectacular, extra-magical, extra-fantastical year! [Mrs. Puff looks on, still inflated]

Mrs. Puff

[thinking] Oh, Neptune. Another year with him! Barnacles! Dirty barnacles! I've got to do something to save myself. Oh, there's only one way out: a teacher's ace in the hole! [starts to talk, when she does, she deflates to her normal size] ♪ Extra crediiiiit! ♪

SpongeBob

What was that, Mrs. Puff? [Mrs. Puff runs over and shakes him in joy]

Mrs. Puff

Extra credit, SpongeBob! The extra credit! [laughing wildly] I still have a chance! I mean, you still have a chance.

SpongeBob

[muffled] What's extra credit?

Mrs. Puff

It's when you get credit for the things you weren't able to do before.

SpongeBob

[singing] ♪ Oh… ♪

SpongeBob! I'm glad I caught ya. I want ya to buy Mrs. Puff--

SpongeBob

[holds up his arms] Wait! Don't tell me! You want me to run down to the store, and buy Mrs. Puff something she doesn't need! Then you want me to RUN back here, [flails his legs back and forth] so you can say, [pulls his eyes through the top of his head so they look like Krabs' eyes and mimics Krabs' voice] "Arrgh, SpongeBob, you're spending' all me money!" And then I'll say, "But Mr. Krabs! I'm only doing WHAT YOU SAID!" Then you'll say, "We're not talkin' about this [draws a triangle with dashed lines in the air with his finger], or THIS [draws a square with dashed lines], we're talkin' about THIIIIIIIS!" [draws a ton of directionless squiggly lines; pants]

But, lad, this time's different! Mrs. Puff needs this!

Mrs. Puff

[surrounded by all the nice gifts Krabs had SpongeBob buy her] Are we... going to the park soon?

Please, lad, I'm beggin' ya! I'm a lonely old crustacean who's found love! Don't let me lose her! [Starts to cry]

SpongeBob

Mr. Krabs, don't. Don't cry, Mr. Krabs! Come on. Okay, I, I'm gonna get it, see? [Walks off-screen, and comes back with a washing machine] Cheer up, Mr. Krabs, Here's that washing machine you wanted.

Cheer up? How can I cheer up... when you're spendin' all me hard-earned cash?!

SpongeBob

See? You just did it again!

Lad, I can't help it if you're loose with other people's money! [SpongeBob gets a blank expression on his face] Do you think Mrs. Puff will need a dryer to go along with that?

SpongeBob

[stoically] Well, Mr. Krabs, do you wanna know what I think? [cut to Mrs. Puff] ARRGH...!! REGGA FLEBBA BREEKA BRECKA SMULLEN-ELLEN MR. KRABS!!! YEGGA HEGGA MERGIN WALLET!!! DIMMY MIDDY SPEND!!! RIVY FLIVY DIVA SHIVA MR. KRABS’ WALLET!!!!!

Mrs. Puff

I didn't know SpongeBob had such a colorful vocabulary. Actually, there's something I'd like to say, too Mr. Krabs. [she kicks off her shoes] I'm afraid I just don't feel comfortable accepting all these gifts. [she removes her hat and coat] I'd rather go Dutch...if you don't mind. [She pulls out her wallet and gives Mr. Krabs some money]

Uh, ok.

Mrs. Puff

You're a very sweet man, Mr. Krabs.

SpongeBob

Hi. I'm SpongeBob!

Hi, SpongeBob. I'm gonna kick your butt.

SpongeBob

Whoa! [giggles] That joke was almost funnier the second time!

[gets close to SpongeBob] No, I mean it.

SpongeBob

[giggles again] That time it almost seemed like... [Flats tears off his chest hair revealing "I MEAN IT".] ...you did mean it. [Mrs. Puff is writing on the board] Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff

Yes, Spongebob?

SpongeBob

Can I be excused for the rest of my life?

Patrick

It must’ve been years since we seen each other. Oh, let me get going, he”s Gotta go back to school, soon, he says he’s gonna kick somebody’s butt.

SpongeBob

Aah!

Patrick

Hello, is this pizza castle?

Mrs. Puff

Come in, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob

Oh Gary, I'm too young to have my butt kicked! There are so many things in life I haven't gotten to do! [cut to SpongeBob in an office building at a desk, on the phone] Hang on, I'll transfer your call. [cut back to a knock on the door] Who is it? [door falls down. SpongeBob sees Flats and screams] Flats!

It's butt-kicking time!

SpongeBob

Gary, there's something I want you to know, but I'm too scared to remember what it is. [Flats cracks his knuckles more and more. SpongeBob breathes harder and harder. Flats brushes his teeth and gargles. SpongeBob breathes harder]

Let's do it!

SpongeBob

Go away, Gary. I don't want you to see this. It'll be ugly. [Gary gets out a camera from his shell]

Are you ready?

SpongeBob

Hold on. [puts a blindfold over his eyes] Okay, I'm ready. [Flats punches SpongeBob, but it doesn't hurt him] I said I'm ready. [Flats tries again but same result happens] Didn't you hear me? I said I'm ready. [Flats punches him again and this time SpongeBob giggles] That tickles. [Flats keeps punching him but nothing seems to hurt SpongeBob] Gary, I'm absorbing his blows like I was made of some kind of spongy material! Do you know what that means? I get to go to work tomorrow! [cut to next day where SpongeBob is in the Krusty Krab kitchen, grilling, and Flats is still punching SpongeBob, then scene cuts to him playing cards with Gary] You have any sevens?

Gary

Meow.

SpongeBob

[chasing jellyfish, walking out of the bathroom, sleeping, and eating breakfast, while Flats is still punching him. Cut to boating school as SpongeBob is sitting at his desk and Flats is punching, but is now exhausted. He passes out due to exhaustion] Flats, are you okay? [everyone cheers] Do not cheer me, my fellow adult classmates. Flats was the real victim here. A victim of a society that's riding down a violent road to nowhere; a road I call... [clenches fist] ...'violence road'.

Mrs. Puff

[walks in] Sorry I'm late, class, I... [gasps as she sees SpongeBob's fist and Flats on the ground] SpongeBob! I can't believe you beat up a new student! [zoom out of school] I'm going to kick your butt!

SpongeBob

Patrick, she has lost it! She's completely institutionalized. She's forgotten what it's like to live on the outside, to not be in prison!

Coming to bed, honey?

Yes, dear.

SpongeBob

We've gotta remind her that there is a life other than this! Mrs. Puff, if you come with us, I’ll stay after school, and decorate the whole classroom.

Mrs. Puff

For the last time, No! I’m not going with you, that's final! Oh, oh.

Talking to inanimate objects again, huh, Puff? Hmph. Get back to your cell. No more kitchen time for you.

What the barnacle is going on?!

Mrs. Puff

Get away from me! Get away!

What are you talking about, Puff?

Mrs. Puff

You can't fool me. You're SpongeBob and that guy who likes the chili. [rips off the guards' faces]

Let's face it, Puff. You've gone off the deep end.

Get in there, you! You need a nice long stay in solitary confinement! [slams the door, which makes a squeaking sound]

Mrs. Puff

Oh, well. Let's look at the positives again. I'm finally away from those two. Yes. All alone in my nice, soft room.

SpongeBob

Made of sponge! [laughs. The room is made of yellow sponge as SpongeBob's face appears on all sides of the wall. Mrs. Puff shrieks; the scene suddenly changes back to her hollering from SpongeBob's failed driving test]

Freeze! Your joyride's over, punk. [police officers walk over]

Mrs. Puff

No! What? [policemen arrest SpongeBob this time, because he now failed the driving test] Huh? What?

SpongeBob

No. No! What are you doing? Help! Help! [As the officers carry him to the jail vehicle, he kicks his legs.] No, no, please! No! I have a snail to feed. I can't go to jail now. This is not a good time. No, please, please! I'm not a criminal! [They throw him into the back of the police car, then drives off to jail]

Mrs. Puff

I can't believe it. It was all a dream. I'm not going to jail!

Why would you go to jail? You already did your time. [zoom out to reveal Mrs. Puff wearing prison striped clothes of black and white with a prison ball chained to her ankle. She squeals as the scene goes back to her hollering while the boat is in mid-air again as she's driving it with the police behind her]

Mrs. Puff

Huh? Oh... it's just my imagination again. [zooms out to show Donna driving the boat]

So, what's for dinner tonight, Puff Mama, chili? [Mrs. Puff hollers again as the scene goes back to her final hollering with SpongeBob driving the boat in mid-air one last time, but without the police cars behind them]

Mrs. Puff

Huh? What? Huh? Ah, forget it. [the episode ends]

Mrs. Puff

Today's first lesson will be turning...

Patrick

[whispers to SpongeBob] 24 : [they laugh quietly, Mrs. Puff stops writing on the board for a second, then keeps writing]

SpongeBob

[holding in laughter] Patrick.

Patrick

[also holding in laughter] What?

SpongeBob

I thought of something funnier than 24.

Patrick

Let me hear it.

SpongeBob

25.

Mrs. Puff

That's enough! Young one, this is your first day, so I will let you off with a warning. As for you, SpongeBob, I expect more from a good noodle. Pay attention!

SpongeBob

Yes, Mrs. Puff.

Mrs. Puff

Now then, turning: What every driver should know, when you are turning it's important to signal at least 20 feet from the turn pushing the drivers behind you.