Potty the Parrot quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Potty the Parrot

You've got rats in the kitchen!

Potty the Parrot

"Squawk."

Patchy

[saddened] Hold on! [blows his nose] Sorry about that, kids! It's just that old Patchy can't help but get all choked up at the end of a show; but the good news is when you watch this cartoon land-lubbing style like you usually do, it'll have the ending you picked, so now you're an official big time decision maker! [cues some monkeys playing instruments at the zoo in greyscale] Just don't let it go to your head. Well, say good night to the folks, Potty! Potty?

Potty

[with suit and briefcase] I quit!

Patchy

This letter comes to us from --

Name and address withheld.

Patchy

And he writes: "Dear SpongeBob, I am ten years old, and I was wondering if you like Christmas as much as I do. Sincerely yours..."

Name and address withheld.

Patchy

A very good question. But you know, they didn't always celebrate Christmas in Bikini Bottom.

Potty

[squawks] They didn't?

Patchy

No sir, my fine feathered little neck pain!

Patchy

A jolly idea, Potty! A little live music'll get me shindig dug! Who'd you get? Barnacle Bill and the Seven Seas?

Potty

No.

Patchy

Seaweed Sally and her Cackling Turtle?

Potty

No.

Patchy

Oh, oh, I know! The First Mates!

Potty

No.

Patchy

Saltwater Sam, featuring the Brine Brothers?

Potty

No.

Patchy

Uh, Rusty Hinges and the Boys from the Brig?

Potty

They broke up years ago.

Patchy

Ohh, Potty, that's the worst sea shanty I've ever heard. I certainly hope it doesn't get any louder. Ohhhhh! [woman cheers] [a blast of music sends Patchy flying backwards out of the house, blasting him through six houses before slamming face-first into a metal telephone pole with a grunt. Back at the party, the band continues to play as the guests continues cheering; Patchy enters his house while covered with debris] No, no, no! Stop the music! [woman cheers] [yelling as he goes to the band as everyone stops dancing] Sto-o-o-o-o-o-o-op...! [music stops]

Patchy

[blows his harmonica first, then sings as he plays his one-man-band] OH! Scurvy ain't for the likes of me, Yo Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho... OOOH! Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho.... OH... Scurvy ain't for the likes of me-

Potty

Uh… It’s time for your flute solo.

Patchy

Thank you, Potty, I almost forgot... [suddenly realizes] Wait a minute. I don't play a flute. I play a fife. [realizes he's holding a lit stick of dynamite] AAAH! Potty, no! [explodes]

French Narrator

Hooray. It looks like our prehistoric pals have just discovered fire, but they will soon learn that when you play with fire, you may get burned. Stay tuned. [cut back to Patchy, who is laughing hysterically]

Patchy

I told you prehistoric times were fun! Hey! How's about I teach you kids how a caveman makes a fire with [holds up two sticks] two sticks? [rubs them together] Yeah... Doesn't get any cooler than that, huh? Chalk one up for Patchy! [a "I" is chalked up on the wall below a sign reading "Prehistory"] Rubbing... [he pants. Nothing is happening, and he eventually gives up] I guess this is a type of wood that doesn't burn. [a laser shoots through and lights the two sticks on fire, startling Patchy] Potty! [we see Potty with a laser cannon on his back]

Potty

[squawk] Laser technology. Score one for the future. [cut to the digital screen next to the prehistory chalk labeled "The Future." The score goes from "00" to "01"]

Patchy

Well, I have something that you'll never find in your little [air quotes] future: a real live caveman. Hmm... [the caveman walks in from behind] Hey, there he is! Come on in, big troglodyte fella. Come on… [the caveman is very slowly approaching] You see kids, I found him frozen in a block of ice and then I spent three days thawing him out with my mom's hair dryer. I call him Cavey. [the caveman approaches the camera, and recoils in horror. Patchy chuckles] Isn't he something? It's OK, Cavey. [another "I" is chalked up for "Prehistory"]

Potty

That's nothing, old timer. Make way for the future. [a door swings up and a robot named X-29488 enters the room]

Greetings. I am the X-29488. How may I serve you? ["The Future" score goes from "01" to "02"; beat]

Patchy

Where do you keep getting all this stuff!?

Potty

Never you mind, pops. Let's go see what Cavey thinks. [squawks. Cavey slowly approaches the robot, and touches it. The robot's eyes start flashing red. A siren goes off]

Attack! Attack! [Cavey starts to run off and the robot gives slow chase, shooting lasers at him. For every shot, "The Future" score keeps going up]

Patchy

Potty! You're ruining me caveman show!

Attack! Attack! [the robot continues to shoot lasers. Cut to the exterior, which is rumbling]

French Narrator

Will Patchy ever get control of the special? [cut to SpongeGar, mesmerized by the fire] What will SpongeBob do with fire? [cut to the SpongeBob B.C. screen] Stay tuned to SpongeBob SquarePants B.C. and find out.

French Narrator

Welcome back to SpongeBob SquarePants B.C. Sounds like things have gone from bad to worse for Patchy. Let's watch. [inside, the robot is still firing lasers, and Cavey throws a giant rock at him. Patchy is huddled behind the couch. Potty watches with a soda and popcorn]

Potty

[squawk] This is great.

Patchy

Ahoy, glad you're back. [ducks a laser] Let's watch the rest of SpongeBob B.C. while I get things straightened out around here. Whoa! [ducks as a giant rock falls on him. He comes up dazed] Or... maybe not. [collapses. Cut back to the freeze frame of Sponge, Pat, and Squog]

French Narrator

When we last saw our hungry troglodytes, they just discovered fire. How long will it take for them to mess it up? Let's see.

Patchy

Well, Potty, I guess you were right. The future is cool.

Potty

Just when to show you, there's no hard feelings and I got you a present from prehistoric times.

Patchy

Oh, what is it, a new loincloth?

Potty

No.

Patchy

An enlarged forehead?

Potty

No.

Patchy

Oh, what is it?

Patchy

Potty! [continues hollering as he runs off]

Potty

[watches from the window with popcorn and a soda, squawk] This is great.

Patchy

[hollering, then stops] Well, thanks for watching SpongeBob B.C., kids. Bye! [continues hollering, then laughing] Now he's tickling. Cut it out, you rascal! [continues laughing]

Narrator

Last week, a never-before-seen episode of SpongeBob SquarePants was discovered under a desk at Nickelodeon Studios. [black and white footage of a large crowd of excited people is shown] Now all the world is waiting in fevered anticipation to watch... [the title appears on screen] the SpongeBob SquarePants Lost Episode. [an aerial shot of the town of Encino appears] Now, to present the Lost Episode, from Encino, California, the president of the SpongeBob SquarePants fan club, Patchy the Pirate. [inside his house, Patchy is inside the shower, humming; Potty flies up]

Potty

Patchy, Patchy, the kids are here. [flushes the toilet]

Patchy

Wagh! [opens the curtain in panic] Hot! Hot! Hot! Potty, don't you know this is Patchy's private time? [looks at the camera] Oh, hello. Dahh! [covers himself with the curtain] What are you all doing here?

Potty

They're here to see the lost episode. Brawk!

Patchy

But I haven't got the lost episode because I... well, I lost it. [breaks down sobbing]

[off-screen] No, Patchy, please! Don't say that, Patchy. Please!

Patchy

But it is. It's lost and I have no idea where it is, so it's best if you forget all about old SpongeBob. [shuts the curtain and wails. Cuts to a montage of SpongeBob's greatest moments]

Patchy

I don't believe I lost "The Lost Episode". [screws in his peg leg] I never lose anything.

Patchy

Hey, it's a map. It's a map to the lost episode of "SpongeBob" I lost.

Patchy

[grabs the popcorn] This is gonna be great. [a countdown, starting at ten, appears on the screen] I can't believe it, more SpongeBob. [starts eating the popcorn; the countdown makes its way down to five] This is so exciting! [laughs, shaking the popcorn, which flies everywhere; the countdown ends] Here it comes.

Patchy

That's it? That's the Lost Episode? That was just a bunch of cheap walk cycles!

Potty

What a rip. [This makes Patchy very angry.]

Patchy

[enraged] SpongeBob betrayed us! [disposes all of his SpongeBob merchandise as he breaks down in tears] I'm sorry I ever started this stupid fan club in the first place. I'm gonna get rid of all my SpongeBob stuff. All of it! All of it! [rips his underwear out of his pants] All of it! I'm gonna run away. That's what I'll do! Run away! [sobs as he runs out through the door]

Potty

Jeez, what a hothead!

And now the real Lost Episode.

Potty

[noticing the countdown is going to start] Patchy, come back, there's more.

Patchy

[realizes] Really? [goes back inside the house and reverses everything he did, then he sits back down] Hooray! Let's watch.

Patchy

No! [trying to stop the VHS tape reel from spitting out of the VCR] Stop, stop! Go back, infernal machine! [tangled up in black tape reels, television statics and Mariachi band members approach him] Oh, no. I've ruined the Lost Episode! Now it's lost forever!

Potty

[squawks] Lost forever!

French Narrator

Oh, boy. What a loser. Well, I guess the Lost Episode will remain lost but tape or no tape as long as there are stars in the sky, SpongeBob will always live in our hearts and in our minds. [a constellation of SpongeBob appears] Now get lost. I mean, bye. No, really. Get lost.

Patchy

Let's go! [honks his horn] Hey, kids. Rush hour traffic here in Encino is a real bringdown. [grumbles in frustration] A little music should soothe me jangled nerves. At least my in-dash hi-fi still works. [Patchy puts a cassette tape in the radio, which breaks and the music stops. Patchy shows the broken cassette tape.] Oh! Me ultra-rare "Frampton Comes Alive" 8-track destroyed! [Tosses it into the car] And I'm gonna miss the new SpongeBob cartoon if this traffic doesn't move soon! [Patchy growls and cries while he moans. Patchy's cell phone rings. The ringtone is SpongeBob's piccolo from the theme song] Who's calling? [answers the phone] Yes, Patchy here. Start squawkin'.

Potty

[squawks] Hey, Patchy, the new SpongeBob cartoon's about to start. Where are you, brawk?

Patchy

Stuck on the 101. Be a dear and record it for me, would you?

Potty

Oh, I threw out that old Betamax machine in the garbage. [squawks]

Patchy

You what?!

Potty

Oh, calm down. beardy.

Patchy

Potty, you know how important this cartoon is to me. [someone honks his horn at him] Do you mind?! I'm trying to talk to my parrot! [the man looks at Patchy in shock as he gets back on his phone to talk to Potty] Sorry, Potty. Just some landlubber. [Potty hangs up] Potty? Hello, hello, hello, hello!? [looks at his phone's screen. It says "call dropped" with a Jolly Roger symbol; groans] Dropped again. [closes his phone] Curse this traffic! [the traffic starts moving again] Ooh! [pulls up his anchor, much to the man's confusion. He drives into a desert-like area] Arrgh! Home at last! What the--? [his eyes pop out from behind his pair of sunglasses, breaking them] Encino...it's gone. No! [sobs] You know, kids, this kinda reminds Patchy of an old story. Another story of a...lost city. Why don't you check it out? [as he continues sobbing] Oh, Encino.

Merry Christmas, kids! I bet you're wondering why ol' Patchy has this mail truck. Well, this year, I wanted to be absolutely sure Santa got me letter, so I gave Mr. Mailman the day off.

Potty the Parrot

Do you even know how to get to the North Pole?

Patchy

Oh, Potty, you silly parrot. Everyone knows that the directions to the North Pole are in the lyrics of the song "Jingle Bells." ♪Dashing through the snow, in a... [Mumbles] Through the fields we go. Fa la la la la.♪ Okay. So we're looking for some fields here.

Potty

No, Patchy, the directions to the North Pole are in the song, "There Goes Santa Claus." ♪There goes Santa Claus. There goes Santa Claus. Left on Santa Claus Drive.♪ Scurvy brain.

Patchy

Yeah, well, we ain't turnin' till we see some fields.

Potty

Look out! There's a fork in the road!

Patchy

I don't see no fork.

Patchy

While we wait for the truck to stop spinning, let's see what SpongeBob is up to this Christmas.