SpongeBob SquarePants · Season 13
Avast ye. I be Captain Sponge-Hab. Argh! [his beard falls down, he blushes and excuses himself] Hmm? Oh. [chuckles nervously and puts his beard back on] I brought you all here for a special mission-- to hunt down the great white jellyfish, Dopey Dick.
[Pat-Buck gasps]
[worried] Meep, meep!
[afraid] Was Dopey Dick the beast who took off thy leg, Captain?
[laughs] I'll have a solid gold pipsqueak… [pulls out his sundial watch] …in about 4 hours.
[pops out of SpongeGoose's bottom] Peek-a-boo!
What!?
[jumps onto SpongeGoose's neck and grabs his cloak] Giddy up, galloping gooseflesh! Hya! [Jack whips the cloak and SpongeGoose runs away from his nest. Giant Krabs tries to stop them, but SpongeGoose jumps in between his eyes. SpongeGoose squeezes under the entrance door and runs away from the castle while dropping golden Krabby Patties. Giant Krabs crashes through his door and chases SpongeGoose and Jack to the beanstalk. SpongeGoose rides it down as Giant Krabs can only look down. As SpongeGoose and Jack ride down the beanstalk, they slip off and start falling to the ground.] [whimpers] Abandon goose! [Jack grabs a golden Krabby Patty and jumps off SpongeGoose. Just before he hits the ground, SpongeGoose flaps his wings and breaks his fall. Jack falls straight into the ground and is crushed by his golden patty.] [gets up with SpongeGeese circling his head] I forgot geese can fly. [Jack is caught off-guard as he sees Giant Krabs climbing down the beanstalk.] Alright, enough of this storybook stuff. [pulls out a laser] It's laser time, baby! [Jack activates his laser and it cuts down the base of the beanstalk.] Timber! [maniacally laughs]
[The beanstalk tips over and Giant Krabs drops his weapon to hang on.]
Ok, you can keep the goose! [falls off the beanstalk and lands on Jack's cottage, destroying it]
Oh no. Karen!
[rolls behind him] Jack! Look what you did to our house!
I just slayed a giant for ya, you wanna lay off?!
Well...oh! Maybe SpongeBob could give you the ol' [makes eating motions with hands] bite and chew.
[opens SpongeBob's mouth]
Ahh.
[looking inside SpongeBob's mouth] Great teeth, [SpongeBob's tongue turns into a flexing bicep] healthy tongue... [minty breath comes out of the mouth and kisses it] Minty-fresh breath. Spread my ketchup, the perfect mouth! It would be an honor, SpongeBob.
[eyes tearing up] Oh, no, Krabby Patty. The honor is mine.
Bon appétit, friend. [SpongeBob picks it up and starts putting it to his mouth]
Halt! [kicks SpongeBob out the way with his butt, picks up Krabby Patty] I deserve this patty. I'm clearly the hungriest. [holds out belly, then gets hit with pie, The clown picks up Krabby Patty and honks his horn. The other candidates start fighting over the patty, creating a fighting cloud.]
[backing away, but get dragged into the cloud] Whoa! [The fighting cloud jumps all over the place, while Squidward is ignoring the fight. Krabby Patty crawls out of the cloud.]
[last words] All this for little old me. Ha-ha. Why, if you'd told me when I was a lifeless pile of ingredients that someday I'd... [Gary eats it, everyone stops fighting]
Huh?
[swallows patty]
Welp, I guess it got what it wanted.
So, Gary, [nudges Gary with elbow] how was it?
[burps, slithers away]
Wow.
Halt! [points to Sandy, everyone else angry] I blame the squirrel for this fracas. She made us turn on each other with her wicked, wicked science. [everyone starts shouting at Sandy]
Well, science giveth, and science taketh away. [uses her Anthropomorphizer to turn a barrel sentient and rides away on it] Take me away, science. Yee-haw! [The customers all continue shouting at Sandy as they start chasing her. The camera irises out as the episode ends.]
We're here with "Baby Prunes." [to her] Now, you're the oldest resident of Bikini Bottom. Isn't that right?
What are you, a cop?
[shouting] Ma, behave!
[shouting] He's interviewing me, Mary, so shut up!
[laughs] You are too much.
Honey, you should have seen me 70 years ago when I was middle-aged and wild! [coughing]
Remember, every cut is sacred. [karate chops]
[tries to chop a piece of wood but he shatters entirely. He then picks up some logs]
Do not carry the wood; let the wood carry you.
Don't worry, Guru Greasetrap knows a shortcut. Close your eyes.
Ooh, i love suprises! [covers his eyes with hands]
[kicks SpongeBob] Surprise! [SpongeBob falls from the mountain as Guru Greasetrap returns to watching television as the game show dings and buzzes are heard "The Price is Right!']
[face palms and sighs] When I said your true spatula was inside you, I meant it was literally inside [opens SpongeBob's face like a cabinet to reveal a spatula inside of him] you.
[grabs the spatula and closes his face like a cabinet] Woah, it's beautiful! [sheds a tear]
Er, you might wanna wash that first.
Good night, Patrick.
Good night, SpongeBob.
Good night, Patrick.
Good night, SpongeBob.
Good night, Patrick. [Squidward open his eyes]
Will you two please shut up?! [SpongeBob and Patrick close their eyes]
Have you ever had to handle hot change? [close-up of claws, which have coin indents on them]
Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I guess we got carried away watching our animal double-gaggers all day.
That's doppelgangers.
[suddenly waking up] No, I believe it's pronounced bubble hangers.
What are you [facepalms] barnacle brains blabbering about?
[looks at SpongeBob's window where the light closes and sighs in relief] Now I can have the pool all to myself! [swims backwards into an inflatable chair] Oh, pool... [starts to sleep and the scene fades into his dream where many octopus guests are at SpongeBob's pool] Ciao, everybody!
Ciao, Squidwardo!
[with an Italian accent] Squidwardo, you must play your clarinet for us! You simply must!
I'll think about it! [gets up from the inflatable chair and dives into the pool]
[The guests awes in disappointment but then sees Squidward emerging from the pool playing his clarinet on many large white platforms. Squidward swims as he continues playing his clarinet and the camera pans out to a view of the floor of the pool, which is Squidward's head]
Ciao bella!
[As Squidward plays his clarinet, two mermaids appear on both sides and kisses his head, until the scene fades to reality with Squidward kissing until he falls off the inflatable chair and into the pool]
[looks around and sees a thermostat] Hmm. That thermostat, that'll do. Now all we need is a distraction.
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs! [takes out two ice cream scoops] I've got it handled. [jumps out and poses] Ta-da! [plays the spoons to upbeat music] Oh, yeah! Check me out! Uh-huh, uh-huh.
It's so lame, but I can't take my eyes off the guy!
I can feel the rhythm of his scoops in my soul!
Oh, this is the tricky part!
Goobfather and Mr. Krabs': The Ice Cream King!?
[speaking through megaphone] Cease your hostil-lily-- hostile-- quit fightin'! Ice cream isn't meant for brawling! It's supposed to bring sugar fueled fun, belly aches, and brain freezes to the world!
He's right.
We shouldn't be fighting.
There's plenty of saps-- er, customers in town for both of us. [Mr. Krabs and the Goobfather eat their weapons and hug.]
And if you don't quit fighting, I'll use my ultimate weapon, the ice cream bomb!
Ice cream bomb!?
[gasps] Wait!
We've already stopped fighting!
What? I-I can't hear you! Uh, hold on, I'll be right down. Bombs away! [hits button and rides down on a giant popsicle, waving his crown] Whoo-hoo! Yee-haw! Yee-ha-haw!
[The ice cream bomb lands on Mr. Krabs and the Goobfather and explodes, covering Bikini Bottom in ice cream. Squidward screams as he is sent through the air. A guy eats the ice cream.]
Hey, everyone, free ice cream! [Kids dive into the ice cream and eat it. SpongeBob and Patrick eat it.]
Is this a dream?
[with a wheelbarrow full of ice cream] Free ice cream forever! [giggles]
[pops out of ice cream and laughs] You're welcome!
[turns up the thermostat and laughs] This'll sizzle their sorbet.
Try and keep up, y'all! Oh, my scoops are on fire!
His funky scoops are so smokin' hot, I'm sweating! [as his ice cream melts]
[laughs] Ha, ha! Who's got the clam now? [points at butt] I do! [shakes butt] I got the greatest scallop! I got the greatest scallop!
Wow, Squidward!
Oh, they're so pretty! Look!
Huh?
[Squidward sees the giant clam spinning in place as the small ones circle around it. The giant clam jumps over the small ones as a jump rope. It moves up and down the smaller clams as a wavering string, playing a gentle harp melody.]
Hey! I bought you to scare those dumb clams, not dance with 'em! [Squidward picks up a rock and throws it. The giant clam is surrounded by the little clams in a heart shape. When the rock hits it, it growls. It screeches at the other clams, and they all rush towards Squidward.]
Incoming! [he, Patrick, and Squidward jump out of the way]
[The giant clam smacks into the ground. Squidward screams and rolls away from it. The giant clam spits a pearl. Squidward presses against Patrick's house, but SpongeBob pulls him away. The pearl pierces Patrick's house.]
Boy, is that guy gonna get mad when he gets home!
[comes through kitchen window with bag] Don't worry, SpongeBob. I figured you might have a little trouble [opens suit hatch] getting back to your homestead, [tosses bag into suit, several supplies start floating around in it] so I brung along some supplies.
Huh? Yeah!
And I couldn't forget [takes Gary from bag] this little feller.
Meow.
[narrating time card] Several days later...
[SpongeBob's suit is now a murky green, and several items are floating around in it.]
[murmuring, slithering around suit, SpongeBob is whistling while cooking patties]
[holding four large trays of patties, grumbling, then loses balance] Whoa! [falls down, and one patty lands onto a customer's table]
Mmm. [is about to eat the patty, then has an allergic reaction, and scratches hives] Oh. [flailing arms, screaming] Whaa! [puffs up, falls over]
[As Squidward walks by with a patty, all of the customers start having allergic reactions.]
Oh, no, the customers are allergic to patties, too! [turns suit arm into vacuum, then reaches it out from kitchen, Squidward yelps]
[sucking up old lady] Quick, get inside the suit! [sucks up customer scratching back on table] You'll be safe in here.
Whoa!
[Several customers run around screaming as SpongeBob uses the arm vacuum to suck them all up. Customers are inside suit, groan, Suddenly, the customers' allergies go away. Customers chattering]
My rash is gone!
Whoa.
Totally cured.
[yelps, bangs on office door] Mr. Krabs!
[opens door, money all over him, unimpressed] Yes? [eye stalks get grabbed by Squidward into kitchen] Oh!
SpongeBob lost his marbles! He sucked all the customers into that crazy contraption!
The patty allergy's spreading, Mr. Krabs. The customers are allergic too.
Calm down, lad! I'm sure you're just exaggerat-- [has allergic reaction] hmm? [screams, then gets sucked in vacuum]
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I'll save you! [Squidward runs away]
[enters suit, allergy goes away] That's better.
Yes, every year that Ringmaster Mudkrab rolls into town and steals me customers. But this year he's parked his shabby tent show right on me property.
[drives by with girl] Hey, let's get a Krabby Patty.
No, [points to circus] let's go to the circus instead. [they drive off, Mr. Krabs starts growling, on fire, slaps SpongeBob's watering can out of his hand]
Well, since there's no [points to the right] work, [begins to walk away] I'll be going.
To the circus. [sticks out tongue, takes ticket]
[stops walking] To the circus?
To the circus!
To destroy it. [laughs evilly]
To destroy it?
To destroy it! [record scratches, confused] To destroy it?
No, no, [pats SpongeBob's head] boy-o, not destroy. I said "enjoy." We're going to enjoy the circus.
Oh. [Patrick falls from the sky]
[grabs SpongeBob and Squidward] Yay! We're going to the circus!
And it'll be fun [face contorts] for all ages. [laughs wickedly]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
