[The episode begins with a storybook entitled "Patnocchio." The book opens and the screens zooms into the picture of Karen in a beautiful fairy outfit holding her wand. She is seen standing outside of Bikini Bottom at night]
Karen[to the viewers] Greetings, children of Bikini Bottom. I am Karen the Computer Fairy. [waves her wand and a scallop flies on her hand; she sings really loud, which causes the scallop to shatter into bits, acting like glass.] And I have a magic tale to tell. [waves her wand and a picture of Patrick appears on her screen] Once upon a time, there was a dim-witted sea star [Patrick appears in a puppet outfit and looks a lot like the character, Pinocchio] who was about to stuff his fat face. [waves her wand with the word "Magics" fly by; her screen shows the Krusty Krab]
Any last words, SpongeBob SecretPants?
I just have to say I'm sorry I let Mr. Krabs down. I let all of Bikini Bottom down. But worst of all, I let you down, you delicate little Krabby Patty.
With your tasty, juicy, scrumptious, warm, steamy goodness.
I'll never forget your 100% all-secret patty, secretly assembled with undersea cheese, pickles, lettuce, tomato, onion, all secretly steaming between two fluffy seaweed-sea buns.
Yes... yes... YES! Come to papa! [bounces off the patty and lands in the analyzer] Oh, boy. [now zapped and the computer reads out the analysis]
Karen
Plankton: 1% evil, 99% hot gas. [Plankton appears on the screen]
Well, patty, I guess we can go home now.
SpongeBob, that's my Krabby Patty! Give it back, you porous freak! I command you! My patty! No! I'll settle for some fries.
What is he doing? All these tears... and the showtunes? Why isn't he making the patties? Forget it. I'm going with plan B, I'll put his brain in the robot chef.
Karen
You know that never works! The answer is obvious: to get to the SpongeBob, you must show him compassion and understanding, then he'll give you what you want.
Will you be quiet? I'm thinking! I've got it! To get to the SpongeBob, I'll show him compassion and understanding, then he'll give me what I want.
[Everyone is running around inside the Chum Bucket after getting kidnapped by the ChumBot]
Oh, good, the lunch rush. Now that my ChumBot has dropped you into my clutches, you'll be forced to eat at the Chum Bucket.
[Everyone stops in their tracks]
[furiously] What? You mean you kidnapped us just to sell us your fast food?
Come on, it's a standard marketing technique.
[People leave]
You little twerp! [leaves]
Karen
He's right, ya know.
Karen. [walks up to her] You think I'm a twerp?
Karen
Well, yes, but I was referring to the kidnapping.
Everything I do is always wrong in your eyes.
Karen
Maybe it's because you are always wrong.
Fine, I'm wrong and you're right.
Karen
You said it, not me. You know, you're lucky to have me.
[walking away] Why did I ever install that nagging software?
Karen
"Nagging software"? I heard that! Come back and dust my screen!
Why did I ever buy that computer wife? I need a real woman, not a girl in a cold-hearted shell. [hears Mama Krabs humming outside so he brings down his periscope on her] Such beauty. She's an angel, and no wires. I've never felt like this before. I don't even know her name and yet she's stolen my heart.
Karen
[angry] Plankton! You've fallen in love with another woman?! I'm your wife!
You're a W.I.F.E. [pulls out a chart] Wired Integrated Female Electroencephalograph.
Karen
Oh, you always pull that one out! [mocking voice] "You're not a real wife, you're just a computer!"
[sighing] Why don't you have an "off" switch? [sees it and smiles]
Karen
Plankton, don't you dare... [turns off]
And now to woo that beloved creature.
[scene cuts to the laboratory of the Chum Bucket with Kelpshake on a plate where a sample of the drink goes through a tube, into chemistry bottles, and finally into Karen where she begins a D-N-A scan]
What's the secret ingredient, Karen?
Karen
Well, it appears that the main ingredient is: Kelp Juice.
PKPlankton & Mr. Krabs
Just kelp juice?
And to think this whole time I could've been selling these meself!
You? What about me? If anyone, I deserve to make a buck of selling this stuff.
[removes the glass container and takes kelp juice] No way, pipsqueak. This gold mine is mine.
Not if I can help it. [jumps at Mr. Krabs, but goes between his eyes and splatters into the wall] Ow.
[cackling] Nice try. [about to take a sip]
Karen
I wouldn't do that if I were you; There's another ingredient.
Hey, I paid good money for this thing! Of course I'm gonna drink it. [takes a sip then spits it out] What the...?! I don't get what the big deal is. This tastes like a wet gym sock.
Really? Let me try that. [Plankton sips the drink and puckers his lips] Actually, there is a bit of a pungent aftertaste.
Hmmm. [sips again and puckers his lips] Hey, you're right. This ain't half bad. [takes another sip and laughs] This is amazing.
Well, don't be selfish. [sips and laughs] Oh yeah.
Karen
Oh no...
[he sips in the rest of the drink until he sucks in the cup] Krabs, we're all out of juice!
Karen
You're making a big mistake!
Ah, phooey! You don't know what you're talking about! [he walks out with Plankton] ♪Kelpshake, Kelpshake. Oh, how I love a Kelpshake.♪
[runs up crying covered in yellowish-green fur] What's happening to me?! [Mr. Krabs and Plankton gasp in shock when they see SpongeBob covered in green kelp and he's naked] They've shut down the Kelpshakes restaurants! [nearly crying as he runs off]
PKPlankton & Mr. Krabs
Huh? [they both see workers sucking out all the liquid which is toxic waste in the Kelpshake restaurant that says "CLOSED FOREVER"]
H1Hazmat #1
It'll take decades to clean this hazardous material up.
H2Hazmat #2
I sure feel sorry for whoever drank this. [Mr. Krabs screams as he is growing yellowish-green kelp fur just like Plankton is, then Plankton screams]
Now what are we going to do?
I don't know about you... [Plankton takes out a mini helicopter propeller] but I'm going back to what I do best. Stealing your recipe! [laughs]
Hey, wait a minute! Plankton!
[flies into Mr. Krabs office where the safe is. He tosses the propeller and laughs] Come to papa. [Mr. Krabs opens the door]
Hold it right there! You're not going anywhere... [opens the safe] without a ten second head start!
[laughing while he runs off as Mr. Krabs begins to chase him while having fun] I love being hated!
Hey, get back here you little booger! [laughs]
It's beautiful. I'm sellin' twice as many patties and I don't even have to cook 'em! This is the happiest, and most cost-effective day of me whole life! [hugs all the money and laughs]
Nooo! How is this possible?! I freeze his place solid and he turns it into an ice rink! He's making more money than ever!
Karen
That's because, unlike you, he's a good businessman.
Well, if it isn't the wind beneath my wings.
Karen
I don't understand why you don't just steal a Krabby Patty in all that confusion.
[realizes] I'll be right back. [chuckles and leaves]
Karen
[sighs] I don't know why I encourage him.
I know. Isn't it great? It looks just like the Krusty Krab.
It looks more like Plankton tryin' to steal me restaurant! [steps out of a taxi with suitcases in hand and a hat on his head]
Mr. Krabs! You've returned from your vacation. [the word "Exposition!" appears above SpongeBob's head]
And it's time for the Krusty Krab to return from its vacation. [He scuttles to the back of the building and as he grunts with effort, he pushes the Krusty Krab over to its original spot. Then flips it over to have the doors face the street]
[takes the safe out from his throat. It was covered with saliva. He takes out the formula for the patties] And I bet you tried to steal this, too.
[chuckles sheepishly] Well, steal is such a strong word. [Mr. Krabs grabs him on the side of his eye. He screams in pain]
You don't really think I'd leave me secret formula behind when I go on vacation, do ya? Now...
KPMr. Krabs and Plankton
"Stay away from me..."
"...restaurant, bug." I think we've been through this one before. Allow me to do the honors. [throws himself back at the Chum Bucket, but doesn't scream like he always does. He lets out a blank expressionless monotone scream. Plankton lands face-first on the ground, where the Chum Bucket previously was]
Karen
[upset] Oh, excellent job, genius. Ya really fixed the place up.
[muffled] Don't nag me, Karen. I've had a long day.
[back at the Chum Bucket, talking to Karen] …And then that blasted sponge called the cops! That's just not cricket. [pouts] Now I'll never be a tyrannical overlord.
Karen
Do I have to tell you how to do everything? Next time, spray SpongeBob, too.
Karen
Listen carefully. Spray...
Karen
...Sponge...
Karen
...Bob...
Karen
...Too!
Now, you're just talking gibberish. What I really need is to spray Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob.
Karen
That's just what I --
I don't wanna hear all your loony schemes, Karen. I've got work to do!
Those nincompoops are better salesman than I suspected.
[The alarm goes off]
Karen
Customer approaching.
Hello, little boy. Would you like a chum burger?
BBoy
Uh, does it come in raspberry?
Ah, come on, kid! You asked me that already! Now quit wasting my time!
MMable
Hey, you can't talk to my son that way! Who do you think you are?
I'm Plankton, you old hag! And your son smells like boogers!
TDTruck Driver
Hey, you can't talk about my wife that way! What do you think this is?!
I think it's time for you to lose some weight, fatty! That's what it is!
Hey, you can't talk to my grandson like that! Someone oughta put you in a mental hospital!
Someone should put you in a box floating down the river, Grandma!
...You're probably right.
You people are crazy. I'm getting out of here!
Happy day, Karen. That fool Krabs changed the name of his restaurant to The Closed Krab. Everyone will think it's closed, and come eat here instead. He'll be ruined by tomorrow. [chuckles] What an idiot.
Karen
It is closed.
Karen
Ms. Gristlepuss and her husband banned Krabby Patties for being fun and delicious.
Banned? Then that means, my day of reckoning has come at last. I won, I tell you. I've won. And what better way than by default.
Karen
Where are you going?
Oh, out to celebrate. Don't wait up for me!
Nat, back all ready? That's the fifth time today. Not that I'm surprised. Karen, babe, fetch Nat another plate of that sweet chum.
Karen
Yes, Your Diminutiveness. [goes in the kitchen]
Say, Nat, do you have any friends?
Nat: Nope.
[sings a little, then laughs] Would you hurry up with that chum, Karen?!
[imitating Karen] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep your tiny pants on, Plankton. Bleep, bloop. [throws a Krabby Patty] There's your chum, bleep blap blop.
Hey, this doesn't look like chum.
And that doesn't look like Karen!
[looks like Karen] Why, don't be ridiculous, my husband. Bleep, blap. Of course it's me.
What have you done with Karen, you brute?!
[Karen is taped up in the kitchen]
How many times do I have to tell you? [throws the Krabby Patty away] I don't want to eat your trash! Plankton's chum is my favorite breakfast, lunch, and dinner! I love chum, so forget it! I don't want to eat anything else!
[returns to normal, and speaks in normal voice] So you're saying that you love chum? And all that you ever eat is chum?
Karen
Call it a computer's intuition, but I sense your regular approaching, with an unusually large wad of cash.
That's right, Krabs, and you're going to have to keep looking when my customer comes in and pays me for my chum!
D'oh, just put me out of me misery!
[Nat walks in, angered]
Back for more of my delicious chum, I see!
PKPlankton and Mr. Krabs
Huh?
Not ever again! [throws all the money at Karen] The deal's off, computer! I can't eat another bite of that slop, no matter how much you pay me!
Ha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...Huh?
I have eaten 10 of those things, and I've all ready had to go to the doctor...twice! [groans in pain] If you need me, I'll be getting my stomach pumped...again. [gets carried out]
Karen
"The deal" was that I paid Nat to eat your chum, so you'd quit your constant complaining.
All this time, I never had one regular customer?
Karen
Duh.
Should have known! Why would anyone ever eat my slop?
Karen
Ugh, there he goes again. Cut it out, Plankton!
What? It's just obvious that I'm a complete failure, and wasted of a lower life form! Oh, woe is me! [cries]
Quickly, now is the time to make a hasty retreat!
What, and miss this? I've never enjoyed me self more! This irony is pretty good stuff. [laughs]
Karen
Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered.
[barfs on floor] Something's not right.
PPilar
Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working.
I'm outta here. [throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]
PPilar
[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]
[To Patrick who is sleeping] Patrick!
We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas!
[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet] Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it!
[Annoyed] NO! That's not it you FOOL! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like Chum is Fum! But different.
Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. [Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]
I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"!
PPilar
Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler!
Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a fighter plane shooting bullets]
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
