South Park Season 9 quotes

Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies! [teasing] Two daddies, two daddies!

Kyle

Do you really think my hat is stupid?

Stan

As a matter of fact, I think it is the nicest hat I have ever known.

We need to tell the Governor and the world that gay marriage is not OK! That homosexuals cannot muddy our traditions! And there is only one way for us to make that message very clear! We need to round up three or four queers and beat the living hell out of them! [the crowd is silent] Come on, everybody! Let's get some queers and some trucks and have us a good ol'-fashioned Fag Drag!

Well, er, we were thinking we could just go appeal to the Governor.

Appeal to the Governor?! Come on, where's your balls?! Fag drag!

We don't hate homosexuals... We just don't want them to get married.

Yeah, we were just thinking of asking the Governor to veto the bill.

[less confidently, disappointedly] F-fag drag?

...while gays can still live together as "butt buddies" and straights can keep the title of marriage sacred. And everyone is happy.

What about lesbians?

Well like anyone cares about fucking dykes!

Cartman

[to Kyle] Shut your goddamned daywalker mouth!

Cartman

The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!

Cartman

I'm not gonna be part of a fucking minority!

Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.

Stan

I am?! I didn't know that!

Well, there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology.

Stan

Dad, Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!

What?!

Stan

Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out.

[knocks on closet door] Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.

No!

Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous.

I'm never coming out!

[to Stan] What did you say to him?

Stan

I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.

Oh boy.

[singing] But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun! [the crowds screams and panics]

Oh geez, here we go with the gun again. [R. Kelly grabs a nearby woman]'

[singing] If Tom Cruise and John Travolta don't come outta DA closet, I'm gonna cap this bitch!

Cartman

Don't be such a Jew, Stan.

Kyle

So what should we do now? It's Saturday! we have to have as much fun as possible.

Cartman

Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag at Fun-Plex.

Kenny

Hey, yeah!

Stan

No, I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.

Cartman

Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.

What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?! [Stan draws a blank] Having them PAY you for it, stupid!

[to Stan] I'll sue you in England!

Tom? Don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.

But I'm...I'm not in the closet.

Yes, you are, Tom, and you need to just end this and come out.