[Scene: the podium at the Special Olympics. On the stage are Jimmy, Eric, the event organizers, Marc McGuire, Berry Bonds, and Jason Giambi. Jimmy, having won* the Special Olympics, is furious that Cartman feigned a disability to participate]
Just what the hell do you think you're doing Eric?!
[nervously] Uh, heh-heh, d-derr...
You faked being handicapped to win?! I should k-kick your ass right here you lousy, no good, ch-ch-cheater!
...oh my god. You're right, Timmy. You're totally right.
[Jimmy takes the podium to speak and confesses to doping.]
Everyone, the truth is, I haven't been playing fair either. I've been using s-steroids. I was willing to do anything to be the best, and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting.
[Cut to Jimmy's girlfriend in the crowd, in bandages. She smiles.]
A good friend even tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't listen to him.
[Cut to Timmy, smiling.]
Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics, because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But now I know that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner; you're just a p-pussy. [cut to McGuire] You're just a big, fat p-p-p-pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say: [Cut to Bonds] "Remove me from from the record books, because I am a big stinky, p-pussy, [cut to Giambi] steroid-taking jackass". [cut back to Jimmy] That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you let me, I'll be back next year, to compete with honor.
[The crowd erupts into applause]
That movie sucked ass. We want our money back.
TGTicket Guy
I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie.
That wasn't a movie! It was a snuff film! You should not charge people to watch a guy getting tortured for two hours!
TGTicket Guy
That "guy" happens to be Jesus. And he went through all of that to pay for your sins!
We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained so we want our money back!
TGTicket Guy
I'm not allowed to give your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaints up with the film's producer's.
What, Mel Gibson? You're saying we should get our money back from Mel Gibson?
TGTicket Guy
Yeah, I'd like to see you try.
Oh, we will! This is America. And in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back! Come on, Kenny!
[Kenny and Stan are trying to get their money back from seeing the Passion]
[searching the Internet] OK, search "Mel Gibson". Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson homepage! Here we go: "Welcome to 'Mel Gibson's The Passion. com! Your source for everything Mel". Pictures, philosophy, upcoming projects...darn it! No phone number! Oh wait! "For more information call our webmaster at 1800-4308" [Stan calls the number. It's Cartman's phone, which he answers]
Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan club.
Hi, my friend and I just went to see The Passion.
Uh-huh, so you want to join the fan club now? Our first meeting is tomorrow at 5.30pm...
No, no, no, we want our money back.
We thought the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our $18. Do you know how we can get in touch with him?
You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do; he was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes.
Look kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so just tell us how we can get in touch with Mel Gibson and get our money back.
If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir. All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu, now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.
[furious] Hey don't take that tone with me kid, I'll kick your ass!
Yeah, I'd like to see you try asshole, I'm like six feet tall!
I don't care, you sound like a little bitch to me!
Bitch? Don't call me bitch, I'll pop your ducking head open!
Yeah, you want to bring it, you little pussy?
I already brought it bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table and opened it, bitch!
[realizing] Wait a minute. Cartman? [Cartman hangs up]
[Kenny and Stan arrive Mel Gibson's home]
Oh, hi. My name is Stan and this is Kenny. Um, we saw your movie The Passion and we didn't like it, so can we have our money back, please?
MGMel Gibson
You can't not like The Passion. I just followed the Bible. Christ died for you. Go home.
Look, dude, we came a long way. We're not leaving until you give us our money.
MGMel Gibson
Oh yeah? Well you're going to have to find it first! But I won't tell you where I keep my money. You can torture me all you want but I still won't tell you.
MGMel Gibson
Ha, so you DO intend to torture me, huh?!! Well go ahead! Do you worst. You still won't get your taken money back.
RRabbi
And now, one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congregation.
Thank you, Rabbi. In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African-American community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus. [the others are outraged]
