God damn it Cartman, you're not gonna kill me off again!
Agh! You see guys, this is why you don't bring Jews along on the away team: they don't play along!
Shut up about Jews, fatass! You don't know anything!
“The Passion of the Jew” · Season 8, Episode 3
In this episode: Eric Cartman (6), Stan Marsh (5), Kyle Broflovski (4), Kenny McCormick (1)
People don't hate the Jews!
Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion, then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.
We want our money back.
TGTicket Guy
Huh?
That movie sucked ass. We want our money back.
TGTicket Guy
I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie.
That wasn't a movie! It was a snuff film! You should not charge people to watch a guy getting tortured for two hours!
TGTicket Guy
That "guy" happens to be Jesus. And he went through all of that to pay for your sins!
We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained so we want our money back!
TGTicket Guy
I'm not allowed to give your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaints up with the film's producer's.
What, Mel Gibson? You're saying we should get our money back from Mel Gibson?
TGTicket Guy
Yeah, I'd like to see you try.
Oh, we will! This is America. And in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back! Come on, Kenny!
[Kenny and Stan are trying to get their money back from seeing the Passion]
[searching the Internet] OK, search "Mel Gibson". Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson homepage! Here we go: "Welcome to 'Mel Gibson's The Passion. com! Your source for everything Mel". Pictures, philosophy, upcoming projects...darn it! No phone number! Oh wait! "For more information call our webmaster at 1800-4308" [Stan calls the number. It's Cartman's phone, which he answers]
Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan club.
Hi, my friend and I just went to see The Passion.
Uh-huh, so you want to join the fan club now? Our first meeting is tomorrow at 5.30pm...
No, no, no, we want our money back.
What?
We thought the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our $18. Do you know how we can get in touch with him?
You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do; he was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes.
Look kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so just tell us how we can get in touch with Mel Gibson and get our money back.
If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir. All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu, now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.
[furious] Hey don't take that tone with me kid, I'll kick your ass!
Yeah, I'd like to see you try asshole, I'm like six feet tall!
I don't care, you sound like a little bitch to me!
Bitch? Don't call me bitch, I'll pop your ducking head open!
Yeah, you want to bring it, you little pussy?
I already brought it bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table and opened it, bitch!
[realizing] Wait a minute. Cartman? [Cartman hangs up]
C'mon, Kenny, we're going to Malibu. We'll take the bus. Look. This isn't about the eighteen dollar ticket money anymore. This is about holding bad filmmakers responsible. It is just like when we got our money back for Baseketball.
[Kenny and Stan arrive Mel Gibson's home]
MGMel Gibson
Yes?
Oh, hi. My name is Stan and this is Kenny. Um, we saw your movie The Passion and we didn't like it, so can we have our money back, please?
MGMel Gibson
You can't not like The Passion. I just followed the Bible. Christ died for you. Go home.
Look, dude, we came a long way. We're not leaving until you give us our money.
MGMel Gibson
Oh yeah? Well you're going to have to find it first! But I won't tell you where I keep my money. You can torture me all you want but I still won't tell you.
Torture you?
MGMel Gibson
Ha, so you DO intend to torture me, huh?!! Well go ahead! Do you worst. You still won't get your taken money back.
Well, with these bus tickets, it looks like we spent about $87 getting our money back from Mel Gibson, but I think it's the principle that matters.
Yeah, I agree.
[Truck horn honking]
Oh, you've got to be shitting me...
MGMel Gibson
Give me back my money!
Töten Sie die Juden! Wir können nicht stillstehen bis sie alle tot sind! [Kill all the Jews! We cannot stand still 'till all are dead!] Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson.
Okay, now when I say "Es ist Zeit für Rache!" you respond "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!"
WWoman
What does that mean?
MMan
Oh, I think it's Aramaic, just like in the movie!
Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so close to completing my final solution!
I feel way better about being a Jew now that I know Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche.
RRabbi
And now, one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congregation.
Thank you, Rabbi. In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African-American community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus. [the others are outraged]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.